Help needed

[Paula]

Well done for upping the dose. Keep talking - that really does help and we all understand

[Suzi]

Hope that your Dad is OK lovely. It's so hard when they are hours away...

Well done for upping the dose. Remember that it'll take a while to get into your system...

[Mira]

Good job on increasing the dose. I hope it will have an effect as well for you.

Family can have a huge impact on how we feel. Both good and bad. Sorry to hear your father is in hospital. Its weekend now. Can you make it there?

Hope your weekend will be a bit better.

[chris61]

Hi

And again thanks for the posts. Not been up home this weekend as was up there last weekend and siblings have been in to see him regularly. He's feeling better apparently but my mum who is at home alone now and 84 not great either with a terrible chesty cough she seems to have had for over a month. Also not eating properly and very down - tbh I think she could do with some Ads but she would never go to the docs for them I don't think, may talk to her about it next time we're face to face.

Meds upped for 4 days now and moods (and stomach) all over the place. Really feeling isolated and a bit scared abt what is going on in my head. Mostly very down. Just got back from a family thing pre xmas with the wife's folks and cousins etc and their kids and I really struggled not to run for the car and head off - felt so uncomfortable and wanted so badly not to be there. We got a couple of kittens on Fri after losing our cat about 7 weeks ago and despite the fact that they are extremely cute (what kittens aren't?) I just don't feel connected to them. Its horrible not to feel compassion for a lovely defenceless animal that you hope is going to be part of your life for a long time.

The only part of the day I enjoy is the feeling of getting into bed at night and knowing another one is done. Dim lights and a book are abt all I can enjoy. All feels so out of step with whats going on everywhere with xmas and the ideal families being thrust down your throat at every commercial. Plus feel like a complete grouch for feeling that way - so miserable and guilty for feeling miserable.

Thanks again, not sure if anyone feels the same way right now but I do know that some people on this board def have or do and that's such a relief

[Paula]

have you talked to your wife yet?

[Suzi]

It's not going to be like this forever. Hang on in there. Definitely talk to your wife and those around you. It might be Christmas, but you are still allowed to be poorly and self care is even more crucial right now...

[chris61]

Thanks again

Yeah have talked to her and she has been pretty supportive tho I still think she that she is more of the 'you just have to get on with it' school. Sounds really awful but my folks being ill is helping in a sense as she knows that that is painful for me and sympathises. Its so hard tho when you feel so incapable of just getting on with it. Seems like every day is filled with so much effort - just to get through it and eat and try and get outdoors at some point. And it looks so weak when I write it down like that but it is the case. I feel totally exhausted, mentally and physically, when I get to bed even if I've done very little.

The lying in bed in the morning is the worse time. Wife wakes up abt half 6 and if I have had some sleep then i'm usually awake from then, trying to get back to sleep but usually just lying thee alone after she has left for work thinking some very dark thoughts.

There's been over a month of that now.

Having said that this morning was not quite so bad and managed to get out of bed abt 9.15 which is good. Got stuff to do today as well which helps.

Thanks again

[Paula]

Is that how she feels or how you think she feels itms?

[Suzi]

If staying in bed means you're just thinking dark thoughts, why not try hard to get up and maybe have a cuppa with her in the morning.... It'd be hard, but it might make a more positive start to the day?

[chris61]

Been a couple of weeks and happy to say that the upping of the dose seems to at last have kicked in and levelled things out a bit. The total darkness has lifted at last. Wish I had come on here first and taken some advice from people who know about the way I was attempting to change the dosage with the pill cutter. Might have been better to just up the dose full stop and not do it gradually.

Sadly on Christmas Eve heard from the hospital where my dad was being treated that he passed away in the middle of the night. It was a really big shock as I had been up to see him the fri/sat before and he seemed v much better and on the mend. Not sure I am dealing with the grief too well, after the initial tears there has been little crying since. Also my mum was released from the same hospital on the same day and isn't too good either. Very frail and having waterworks problems. Was up there taking care of her til 28th and going back up tmrw til Saturday (siblings been helping out to). The first night she was back in her home she had a fall getting out of bed at 3 in the morning and I needed to get up and try and help her up as she couldn't get up on her own. Not sure what might have happened if no one had been there.

Obviously also now worrying abt sinking back into the black. I loved my dad but just don't seem to be able to connect with the sadness and I worry that the suppressing of emotions and not being able to register/manifest them in a 'normal' way is what is behind my bouts of depression

Not sure why i'm writing this but, ridiculous as it might sound, just wondered if anyone had any thoughts?

As always, grateful for the help