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Thread: How do I help my depressed girlfriend?*TRIGGERS*

  1. #1

    Question How do I help my depressed girlfriend?*TRIGGERS*

    When I first met this girl I knew she was struggling with some demons. I moved into a house-share with her and she was at the time with another guy who she'd dated on and off for a year and was also living in the same house rent free. I later found out that this was a pretty toxic relationship that the two of them had. The guy she was with had forced her to stop seeing her friends, and wasnt allowing her to even speak with the other housemates as he was incredibly jealous and controlling. She built up the courage on her own to stand up to him and get him out of the house and out of her life. But to say he pestered her for months afterwards is an understatement. He came to our house and she called the police, she blocked him on everything and he continued to email her for weeks on end, he even messaged her from his mother's account, 4 months after they'd broken up, telling her that he'd committed suicide by jumping off a bridge, this of course turned out to be a lie and subsequently she has informed the police and this boy is now on bail after being arrested and having a hearing in November.

    The boy not being around meant she integrated back into the social group of the house and we really hit it off. I was there for her when she was sad and eventually I ended up asking her to be my girlfriend. We went away on a short trip and most of the time she seemed really happy and like her true self again.

    But we've been together a couple of months now and it's clear that she is still massively struggling and probably more depressed then I've ever seen her at times. The fact that she has still been dealing with the police matters surrounding her ex has clearly not helped. But on top of this she has just started her 3rd year of uni, as well as a new part time job, she's really been brave and tried to push through this hard time but shes struggling.

    Our relationship has always been so enjoyable for me, we have a great time with one another and im completely head over heels in love with her, we like all of the same things and make eachother laugh. As someone who has suffered with depression as well over the last 3/4 years, she has truly helped me feel comfortable, safe and excited in a new city with a new job and no friends.

    We now live in different houses, and about a month after we officially got together, she came to my house one evening after I asked her to bring me my phone charger on her way home and she instead brought every single item of mine that was in her house, put it in a bag and gave it to me and said 'I didn't know what else you would need'. It then turned out that this was an attempt to end the relationship without saying anything and pretty much never speak to me again. But I went to hers, re-assured her and we fixed it.

    Since then I've tried constantly to be as supportive and catering as possible, I've told her that there is no need to worry about me in any sense, she can see me as often or as little as she likes, so long as we communicate and try to work towards making her happy again. I've let her know that I am here to talk to, but also just here to be around as a distraction or a happy face when she needs one, but she has never really open up with me massively about the true core of her depression.

    On occasion I feel like I really do help make her feel better, when she smiles, laughs and has a good time with me it's euphoric. But when I leave to go to work sometimes I will not hear a single word from her for a whole day, or two or three. If I choose not to message her or call her for a day or two, she will not make any attempt to speak to me. Sometimes she will just ignore the messages and calls that I do send, and will then be very blunt and cold with me.

    She's also messaged me some pretty concerning stuff like 'I just can't do all of this anymore' or 'Everything is just too much'. One time I even got a message saying 'I want to die'. Sometimes she'll wake up in the night, crawl up into a ball on the edge of the bed and just start crying, but she cant explain to me what it is she's crying about.

    She went to therapy last month but came away and told me she didn't open up alot, I think she is used to telling people she's fine and people just accepting that, but I know she's not fine. I'm trying not to dig too much into it because I know how hard it is when you're depressed and people are constantly trying to find the root of it, and I genuinely dont believe that she truly knows the full reason or reasons for her depression.

    I've felt a couple of times that she might just try and break up with me so that she can be alone and not bring anyone else down, but I worry that if she does that then she will just fester in her flat until she gets so depressed that she does something stupid. I know she's self harmed before, but not since i've known her.
    Last edited by Jaquaia; 31-10-19 at 05:12 PM. Reason: Trigger warning added as per DWD procedure

  2. #2
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    East Riding of Yorkshire
    Hi and welcome. I've edited your thread title so I could add a trigger warning. It's nothing to worry about, it's just some people may find what you've discussed will trigger them and this just gives them a warning to avoid here if they're feeling vulnerable.

    I really empathise with your girlfriend. I went through very similar with my ex and it makes it very hard to trust again. It sounds like you're doing a lot to support her though, it may take a lot of time but what you're doing will help. With regards to the counselling, I'm afraid she won't get the most out of it unless she engages fully, it could be a trust issue which stopped her opening up and that will take time to overcome with a therapist.

    You're doing a lot to be there for her, but don't forget to look after you too
    Tn prdu, jhami s rcbro

  3. #3
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Jane Austen country
    Hi and welcome . How do you help her? By doing exactly what youre doing - listening to her, not pressuring her, giving her space but also a listening ear when she needs it. But, shes been through a lot and very recently so the chances are she really doesnt know what she wants right now. Heavy conversations might be beyond her at this moment in time but she does need to talk so try to encourage her to keep up with the counselling.

    And look after yourself .....
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  4. #4
    Guardian of the North and kipper holder Angie's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    South Yorkshire
    Hi and welcome to DWD
    If you cant fly, then run, if you cant run, then walk, if you cant walk, then crawl, but by all means keep moving.
    Quote by Martin Luther King JR

  5. #5
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Surrey. UK
    Hi and welcome! I can't add any more to what my amazing team have already said... You sound like you are being amazing and kind and supportive, which is all anyone can ask of you.
    Please always remember that I am always right. I have a framed certificate to prove it.

    When in doubt, stop and think... WWSS? (What Would Suzi Say?)
    For more info please see
    THIS thread

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