Musings of Decades

[decades]

Perhaps I'm looking at this the wrong way? Maybe I'm no good at interacting with people because I just don't like people, and maybe that's what makes it such hard work. Maybe I assume people won't like me because usually when I met someone, I have little interest in them. Or maybe I just convince myself of that as a defence because I assume they won't like me. This is a real chicken and the egg situation.

I'm not even sure this is my biggest problem anymore. It certainly was when I was younger but now I have enough people around me I care about.

[Paula]

Then what do you think is your biggest problem?

[decades]

Then what do you think is your biggest problem?

That's what I'm trying to get to the bottom of. I don't even know why I am the way I am

[Paula]

Because you’re ill, hunni. Depression isn’t a character flaw, it’s an illness...

[Suzi]

You're ill lovely...

Maybe you are trying to keep on a mask which is actually hiding which issues are the ones you are struggling with most?

[decades]

I've given a lot of thought recently as to why I am the way I am. Possible reasons I've come up with include:

My life genuinely isn't that good?

I have a partner I love, a nice house and a well paid although boring career, so I don't think it's that.

I have a good life, but not the one I wanted?

I think this is closer. I had dreams of being an artist or musician, or of having a wide circle of friends or an exciting lifestyle. Wild sex. Money was never a goal, oddly. That's one area I've done alright in, but it's not made me happy (although it has helped protect me against other problems) But none of this is me, I'm not that person. I'm not the sort of person who can make these things happen in my life. I feel like my life doesn't have any excitement, but I don't really know how entitled I should feel to that.

Low self esteem?

I don't even know anymore. I used to have low low self esteem when validation from others was important, but it isn't so much now. And sometimes I even think I can be somewhat narcissist, and have noticed traits of the Dunning Kruger effect on my personality, so on that level my self esteem was artificially high. Also as a logical and a slightly socialist person, I don't believe anyone is more important than anyone else, so from that point of view my place in the world is pretty flat. But I do sometimes view myself as something of a loser because of my lack of ability to shake my life the way I want.

I just don't find enthusiasm or happiness in anything?

This definitely feels more like a symptom than a cause. I just really struggle to find happiness in anything. I have hobbies that distract me, and sometimes I even look forward to things, but there's no real enjoyment.

Sometimes I remember a feeling from when I was excited or happy and try to think of ways to get back to that. But then it just makes me sad that I don't feel like that any more. I just don't get the same excitement from simple things like when I was young.

Brain chemistry?

This would be a nice easy answer that can be fixed with pills. I like this answer because it means it's not my fault. but the answer I like is not necessarily the correct one. Medical science does not yet seem to have agreed on whether chemistry can be a cause in itself, and not just a symptom so this can only be concluded as a maybe

[Suzi]

Just saying... It's not your fault no matter what the cause. No one chooses to be poorly and it really isn't your "fault" at all.

[decades]

Really, I think it comes down to my life not being the what I wanted. I know how much of a first world problem this sounds, and I've tried to work against it, but just never managed.

I've heard it said there are two ways to be contented: fulfil all your desires, or desire less. I think this usually refers to material possessions, but could also be applied to desiring your idea of what life should be, or who you should be. Maybe even to achieving happiness itself.

I've thought for a while I should stop thinking of happiness as a goal. Can you be happy being unhappy? I've certainly known people who I would apply this to. If happiness is a goal, add you are always reminding yourself what you haven't got. People say dreams are a positive thing, but I'm not so convinced, as it is a constant reminder that your life could be better.

This also makes me think of another concept I think is dangerous - the 'happy place' I learned to go to whenever I felt sad, a fantasy world I developed to distract me from my own life. Again, I end up comparing my life to this, which has negative consequences. And what is worse, it becomes a mental habit, and because it gives a brief burst of happiness, it is drug-like: addictive, giving short-term pleasure for long term sadness.

[Suzi]

What is it that is lacking in your life? What is it that you feel you are missing?

[decades]

Two things I believe: excitement and purpose.

Excitement, because I always wanted my life to be a rollercoaster ride. i wanted it to be an exciting story from the outside, even if no one was observing, like a rock star. I always wanted that destructive life people fall into of sex and drugs because it sounded like it would make me feel alive at least. But as I am a fundamentaly boring person, my life never went in that direction. it seems strane, actively pursuing a life people were trying to get away from. I often looked down on people who were happy with a simple life, whereas now I am jealous of them. I still struggle to get to that point where I am happy with simplicity. I still chase self destructive behaviour. I sometimes achieve it and sometimes it is out of reach which creates frustration, which further drives me towards quick fixes of happiness.

Purpose, because I always had the urge to create, to leave behind great works of music or art, although in reality I have a very modest talent and certainly nothing that would be of any interest to the wider public. I can't finish things. My life is littered with unfinished projects, ones I started and then just thought 'what's the point?'. The point, of course, should be to create for your own pleasure, not just to impress others. But as I've mentioned, I seem to suffer from a certain level of anhedonia. I don't get pleasure from creating. Even though I have the urge to do it. I derive satisfaction from the occasional thing I create, but it has to be something that serves a purpose or otherwise it seems pointless. The actual process of creation is just stressful.