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  1. #1

    Musings of Decades

    I am currently undergoing a period of self reflection, and have things I feel I need to externally express, and so I have chosen this forum as my channel. I am currently considering seeing a therapist/counsellor. I have had one bad experience of this in the past, but I am maintaining an open mind and feel that I may be ready for it again. This thread may come across as self-indulgent, and indeed it is, but hopefully it will help me, and in turn, any insights may help others.

    My depression is generally quite mild, but this continuous low mood does eventually drag me down further and further. It doesn't stem back to any particular incident or trauma in my life, and on paper my current life is not at all bad. But I just can't seem to shake it.

    As a teenager I went through the usual emotional ups and downs, and in some ways I feel I've never grown up since then (I'm in my early forties now). Those years were indeed not easy for me. I was not a loner, but I was hardly the model of confidence either. In fact, I'm quite sure I had some sort of diagnosed social anxiety disorder. I found talking to people hard (as I still do now) but at that age it came with the added complication of the toxic teenage 'coolness' contest - the endless strive for popularity which curses those years for many. For some this is not such an issue, such as those to whom coolness comes easily, or that section of society often labelled (for lack of a better word) as 'nerds' - those for whom coolness is not such a priority, but who are happy with their own interests. But I wrongly believed that achieving the approval of others was the be all and end all, and I was not very good at it. And so talking to anyone that I felt I needed approval from became an awkward and clumsy act, and as they were the only ones I tended to interact with, my social interactions were generally very negative. When all you are focused on is how well you are presenting yourself to the person you are interacting with, you forget to just relax and chat.

    So now I'm in my forties, and 'cool' is no longer a goal. And also, no longer a possibility. There is still a part of me that is obsessed with other's opinions, but I am learning to move on from that. It is very liberating to do something, or go somewhere because you want to, not because it is the 'thing to do' or 'the place to be seen'. But my social skills, and my social mindset have suffered. I still struggle to interact with people. I am no longer desperate to impress, but I do tend to assume people won't like me. But now I have reached the point where I do not particularly crave company - I prefer to sit on my own at lunch, as it is less effort than interacting with people. I feel on the surface I am happy with this, but I also feel that under the surface this detachment from people contributes to my depression. It feels in a way like a form of self imposed solitary confinement. Sometimes I go through phases where I force myself to integrate, particularly when I start a new job (I am a contractor so I move around a lot) but after a while it just feels draining and I revert to type. There are specific situations where I do embrace social interaction (I will cover these in a later post) and I come away from these with a glow that lasts many days, so I feel there must be some kind of effect I'm missing.

    So I think the TLDR is that I ruined my ability to enjoy the company of others by being obsessed with trying to be cool as a teenager, and this has partly contributed to my depression.

  2. #2
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    To be honest with you, I think most teenagers are obsessed with being ‘cool’ aka being the popular one. Having a 21 yo who was always the popular one, and an 18 yo who never was, both of them have grown into their own person. And both of them are happy with who they are. Is that, perhaps, what you need to look to achieve?
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

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  4. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Paula View Post
    To be honest with you, I think most teenagers are obsessed with being ‘cool’ aka being the popular one. Having a 21 yo who was always the popular one, and an 18 yo who never was, both of them have grown into their own person. And both of them are happy with who they are. Is that, perhaps, what you need to look to achieve?
    Yes, I absolutely need to just be happy with the person I am. I am no longer obsessed with the pursuit of 'cool', a term which is shorthand for the acceptance and approval of others. But it has left something behind, an inability to enjoy the company of people as a general rule.

  5. #4
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    I'm with Paula. I have 3 children. 2 with Aspergers and one with severe anxiety and they all struggle socially. It's something that I struggle with too - I've never been in with the popular kids or adults, like you it's easier to sit on my own rather than try to join in with people. However, I've started to try to push myself and push my girls to push themselves to do simple things like order a drink or go out and ask a question..... It's small changes and challenges and I'm hoping it builds up...
    But my girls are happy to be who they are in their own bubbles and if people don't like it then they aren't worth bothering with!
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


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  7. #5
    Knight of Spamswotting by Highest order of Chufty Badges Jarre's Avatar
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    I have social anxiety and that can be interesting with the job I have when I have to go on construction sites I just focus on the work there and it helps block out other things though i am mentally tired after the day. I do make an effort when we have a work night out to attend and then after a few drinks after a meal I will make my exit but at least then the effort was made to try and be social. its not easy but it helps a little. I've never been the popular cool kid quite the opposite but I have found friends who click with me and if anyone else doesn't like it they can just themselves.


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    Suzi (30-09-19)

  9. #6
    The social anxiety is not so bad now. I have a work outing coming up. I'll go, I won't have a panic attack, I'll get involved in the conversation, and I might even enjoy myself. But I'd rather be at home, either with my partner or on my own. It all just seems like such an effort, and not really worth it.

    I could say that once I lacked confidence, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe I'm just better at faking it and that is what's so draining.

    I was always in awe of confident people, and I often thought confident was synonymous with happy. I got the idea in my head that I needed to emulate them. that way I could obtain the things in life I had convinced myself brought happiness. It felt like there was some big secret they were let in on and we weren't. Nothing you could put into words, but a state of mind. I thought one day I would 'get' how to be that way. At times I felt I had make a kind of breakthrough, and with it a kind of smug self satisfaction. But you can't know the big secret, you can only know yourself. As long as you know that you're getting somewhere. Never believe you've suddenly broken the shackles, or scaled the wall, You're probably deluding yourself. These things just don't happen that fast. Only trust the feelings you truly believe, and build on each one of these.

    I feel like I've been striving for the wrong thing for much of my life. But then I don't know what I'm striving for now, or whether striving for anything it's the right way to think about it.

  10. #7
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    I’m confident. I also suffer with depression and anxiety, have done all my life, but most people who meet me don’t know unless I say something. There is no secret, I’m afraid
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  11. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Paula View Post
    I’m confident. I also suffer with depression and anxiety, have done all my life, but most people who meet me don’t know unless I say something. There is no secret, I’m afraid
    Yes, I've come to meet a few people like that.

  12. #9
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Actually I appear really confident and yet I rarely feel it anymore. I used to be, but I'm out of practise! But you wouldn't know that I struggle with things without talking to me!
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  13. #10
    Guardian of the North and kipper holder Angie's Avatar
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    I dont have confidence but 99% of anyone who has met me or spoken to me wouldn't know that, there is really only one person who has heard how I can really be, as I just down show how I am feeling,
    If you can’t fly, then run, if you can’t run, then walk, if you can’t walk, then crawl, but by all means keep moving.
    Quote by Martin Luther King JR

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