I Despise Myself *SU TRIGGERS *

[Penguin]

Hi everybody, new here just joined. So I might as well get right into it.

I'm 29 years old, live with my partner and our 4 dogs. I have been bodybuilding/weight training since the age of 16. I mention this as it is literally the only thing that is keeping me chugging along at the moment.

Pretty much all through my life I have never known what I wanted to do/be. I got enough GCSEs to get into sixth form college and I lasted a single day before quitting. I just hated the whole classroom environment (was deeply unhappy in secondary school from year 8 to year 10.) I wouldn't call myself a lazy person, I have worked pretty much since leaving school and I do want to work and be productive. This here is where my biggest problem lies I think.

For over ten years now I have worked in a warehouse, I am currently a cleaning Supervisor there and I just feel a total failure. I hate the job I am in, the people I work with, I am embarrassed with the lack of achievement I have at almost 30. Please understand, this is not about money or status at all. I would work gladly for minimum wage if it meant I was happy to go into work. I can't even drive. Due to leaving college my education is limited to GCSE level and a Diploma in Level 2 Fitness Instructing I took when I was 24.

The issue is I know all the answers to my problems. Start taking driving lessons, pursue a career in personal training or something similiar, I just do not have the motivation to go and do it. I allowed myself to take the easy option of a 'safe' job, I have had these feelings for a while but always told myself ''you're lucky to even have a job, be grateful' so I stuck my head in the sand. Now it has all hit me like a brick wall. I have researched ways on how to kill myself and putting it bluntly to do a guaranteed job but I just don't have the bottle to do it.

Furthermore, I am unhappy in my relationship. We have been together 5+ years, had some fantastic times but it just seems now we have nothing in common and no shared interests. Our weekends are mostly spent hardly speaking, not through dislike but because we have nothing to speak about. It is just a case of watching garbage TV, heads stuck in our phones or me going upstairs very early and just sitting around miserable. I do think however a big part of this is down to my self loathing, I must be awful to live with and I feel bad about that too. We have horrendous rows frequently, both to blame in some parts but I know it certainly isn't healthy. Again, the answer to this would be to split up and move on, though again I have no life inside me to do that either.

I really do hate the person I am. Due to my own failings (which I know are entirely my fault), I can be very a very nasty, cold individual and of course for this I feel hugely guilty for. I constantly make resolutions to myself to at least be a better person if nothing else but this just fails constantly and I don't really know why.

I have never been an outgoing person and I am very socially awkward. I don't drink often at all but if I do decide to go to a birthday party, say my brother's, I have to be drunk before turning up. This is a person I should be comfortable to be around, we grew up together after all.

I just feel my existence is very futile. The most frustrating part is knowing the answers to how I can change but as said not having the determination to do so. I have put an act on most of my life, I'm known kind of like the big guy who doesn't care about much at all. It couldn't be further from the truth. I am very insecure, anxious but just don't have that grit to turn things around.

Thank you if you have had the patience to read this. I just felt the urge to write something down as I regularly have bouts of rage/depression/anxiety/despair, I'm not even sure what it would be medically described as to be honest. I feel incredibly alone and have isolated myself but this again is MY doing. I have friends and family but I just mainly stay quiet and in turn have pushed a few people away. I do prefer to be alone as socially, even if its just with one person, I can feel very uncomfortable and awkward. This has been the case since I was young though, no idea where its manifested from. My brother is a confident person and we had the same upbringing, I have no sob story. Our dad was an alcoholic and our mother ended up leaving him when I was 16, which was a good thing. We have had massive problems with our sister and her lifestyle but I want to get across I know there are a ton of people out there who have had it so much worse than me.

Again, thanks for reading and feel free to comment, anything, I appreciate the truth no matter how blunt. Hope everyone is coping.