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Thread: I Despise Myself *SU TRIGGERS *

  1. #1
    Penguin
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    I Despise Myself *SU TRIGGERS*

    Hi everybody, new here just joined. So I might as well get right into it.

    I'm 29 years old, live with my partner and our 4 dogs. I have been bodybuilding/weight training since the age of 16. I mention this as it is literally the only thing that is keeping me chugging along at the moment.

    Pretty much all through my life I have never known what I wanted to do/be. I got enough GCSEs to get into sixth form college and I lasted a single day before quitting. I just hated the whole classroom environment (was deeply unhappy in secondary school from year 8 to year 10.) I wouldn't call myself a lazy person, I have worked pretty much since leaving school and I do want to work and be productive. This here is where my biggest problem lies I think.

    For over ten years now I have worked in a warehouse, I am currently a cleaning Supervisor there and I just feel a total failure. I hate the job I am in, the people I work with, I am embarrassed with the lack of achievement I have at almost 30. Please understand, this is not about money or status at all. I would work gladly for minimum wage if it meant I was happy to go into work. I can't even drive. Due to leaving college my education is limited to GCSE level and a Diploma in Level 2 Fitness Instructing I took when I was 24.

    The issue is I know all the answers to my problems. Start taking driving lessons, pursue a career in personal training or something similiar, I just do not have the motivation to go and do it. I allowed myself to take the easy option of a 'safe' job, I have had these feelings for a while but always told myself ''you're lucky to even have a job, be grateful' so I stuck my head in the sand. Now it has all hit me like a brick wall. I have researched ways on how to kill myself and putting it bluntly to do a guaranteed job but I just don't have the bottle to do it.

    Furthermore, I am unhappy in my relationship. We have been together 5+ years, had some fantastic times but it just seems now we have nothing in common and no shared interests. Our weekends are mostly spent hardly speaking, not through dislike but because we have nothing to speak about. It is just a case of watching garbage TV, heads stuck in our phones or me going upstairs very early and just sitting around miserable. I do think however a big part of this is down to my self loathing, I must be awful to live with and I feel bad about that too. We have horrendous rows frequently, both to blame in some parts but I know it certainly isn't healthy. Again, the answer to this would be to split up and move on, though again I have no life inside me to do that either.

    I really do hate the person I am. Due to my own failings (which I know are entirely my fault), I can be very a very nasty, cold individual and of course for this I feel hugely guilty for. I constantly make resolutions to myself to at least be a better person if nothing else but this just fails constantly and I don't really know why.

    I have never been an outgoing person and I am very socially awkward. I don't drink often at all but if I do decide to go to a birthday party, say my brother's, I have to be drunk before turning up. This is a person I should be comfortable to be around, we grew up together after all.

    I just feel my existence is very futile. The most frustrating part is knowing the answers to how I can change but as said not having the determination to do so. I have put an act on most of my life, I'm known kind of like the big guy who doesn't care about much at all. It couldn't be further from the truth. I am very insecure, anxious but just don't have that grit to turn things around.

    Thank you if you have had the patience to read this. I just felt the urge to write something down as I regularly have bouts of rage/depression/anxiety/despair, I'm not even sure what it would be medically described as to be honest. I feel incredibly alone and have isolated myself but this again is MY doing. I have friends and family but I just mainly stay quiet and in turn have pushed a few people away. I do prefer to be alone as socially, even if its just with one person, I can feel very uncomfortable and awkward. This has been the case since I was young though, no idea where its manifested from. My brother is a confident person and we had the same upbringing, I have no sob story. Our dad was an alcoholic and our mother ended up leaving him when I was 16, which was a good thing. We have had massive problems with our sister and her lifestyle but I want to get across I know there are a ton of people out there who have had it so much worse than me.

    Again, thanks for reading and feel free to comment, anything, I appreciate the truth no matter how blunt. Hope everyone is coping.
    Last edited by Jaquaia; 01-09-19 at 12:12 PM.

  2. #2
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome. I've added a trigger warning as you mention suicide. It's nothing to worry about, it's just so people can avoid your thread if it would trigger them.

    The first point I want to make is it doesn't matter if people have had it much worse than you. If it affects you than it's important. I can't remember the exact words but I saw a great analogy on fb of all places! It was basically saying that we shouldn't compare suffering, that some people have paper plates and some have ceramic and those with paper plates can't carry as much as those with ceramic. It made a lot of sense to me. Suffering is very personal and what some can cope with, others can't and that's ok.

    Have you seen a doctor about how you're feeling? They can signpost you to services that could help. Maybe contact Mind or Andy's Man Club if you have those locally. There's also Recovery College, they often do courses to help with things like self-esteem.

    For what it's worth, I'm 35, and although I have a degree, I don't work because of how ill I got. With the right help, I'm only just getting my life how I want it. I've started driving lessons and I've gone back to uni to start retraining. In just over a week I start doing my practical qualifications. It's not how I imagined my life but I have adapted and it's how I will live it now. My driving instructor has a brilliant way of putting it. "We can get to Bridlington a couple of different ways. It doesn't matter how we get there as long as we get there".
    Tên përdu, jhamâi së rëcôbro

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  4. #3
    Knight of Spamswotting by Highest order of Chufty Badges Jarre's Avatar
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    Morning Penguin. Firstly Jaq just added a little trigger notice to your post as forum guidlines, don't worry you've not done anything wrong its just for people who it could trigger they can make a decission about reading or not. Welcome to dwd, were not health professionals but we are a community of like minded people who help each other and share experiences good and bad.
    Have you ever considered visiting a Dr to start the ball rolling with some counselling sessions to be able to download alot of whats making you feel this? Do you know whats caused the low feeling at the begining? You say you just do safe jobs but they are very boring, what would be an unsafe job for you? Have you thought about looking into a job where you can have some achievement and something to show at the end do you think this would help you? I know due to being in the industry construction can be very rewarding and the industry is in need of alot of people, most local colleges do training courses in trades and you don't need alot of qualifications to do them and you get a good sesnse of achievement afterwards that lasts as a building could be stood up for your lifetime and longer. Do you find spending time with the dogs a calming experience, rather than sitting in the room have you thought aboout taking a walk with the dogs to clear head?


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    Suzi (01-09-19)

  6. #4
    Penguin
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jaquaia View Post
    Hi and welcome. I've added a trigger warning as you mention suicide. It's nothing to worry about, it's just so people can avoid your thread if it would trigger them.

    The first point I want to make is it doesn't matter if people have had it much worse than you. If it affects you than it's important. I can't remember the exact words but I saw a great analogy on fb of all places! It was basically saying that we shouldn't compare suffering, that some people have paper plates and some have ceramic and those with paper plates can't carry as much as those with ceramic. It made a lot of sense to me. Suffering is very personal and what some can cope with, others can't and that's ok.

    Have you seen a doctor about how you're feeling? They can signpost you to services that could help. Maybe contact Mind or Andy's Man Club if you have those locally. There's also Recovery College, they often do courses to help with things like self-esteem.

    For what it's worth, I'm 35, and although I have a degree, I don't work because of how ill I got. With the right help, I'm only just getting my life how I want it. I've started driving lessons and I've gone back to uni to start retraining. In just over a week I start doing my practical qualifications. It's not how I imagined my life but I have adapted and it's how I will live it now. My driving instructor has a brilliant way of putting it. "We can get to Bridlington a couple of different ways. It doesn't matter how we get there as long as we get there".
    I apologise if I broke any rules, I've just joined and didn't realise.

    I do enjoy time with the dogs, funny how before we met I wasn't a 'dog' person, again though it just comes down to that lack of motivation. I know there is a lot of moping going on I just don't know how to reverse it. The answers are there I just can't give myself a kick up the arse, excuse my language!

    I've looked into a few home study courses as I work full time, a few I'm greatly interested in. Again though its that 'thinking of' part rather than getting it done. I'll admit I've always been very scared of change, yet I really do want to change the direction of my life. Very contradictory I know.

    I appreciate your reply and what you've shared and both the analogy and quote make a lot of sense.

  7. #5
    Penguin
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    I saw the Doc once, was referred to Healthy Minds but never followed it up. I feel very uncomfortable talking about these things, always choke up, this has been easier as I am typing if that makes sense.

    I would say it started a few years ago, probably at 24 when I did my Level 2 at college in fact. The feelings were just nowhere near as severe though and I made the mistake of blocking them out. Its great to have gratitude but its been like a double-edged sword for me. On the one hand I'm eternally grateful I can go to the gym, have a roof over my head, pay my bills etc. On the other it has lead me to not pushing myself more when I am unhappy and of course has resulted in where I am now.

    Money genuinely means nothing to me as long as I can cover the basics, my goal is to find a job where I am happy to go everyday. Then of course there is my relationship, other niggly things in my life but I need to deal with one thing at a time as I feel very overwhelmed. I get extremely angry with myself as I know I am the one who has let it build and done nothing to change it when the warning signs were there.

  8. #6
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    No rules broken! It's fine!
    Hi and welcome to DWD! This is a good place to talk, to get things out of your head and to not be judged at all.
    I promise you that you are able to completely change your life if you want to do so - but would you do me a favour (I know, we've only just met and all that!) and go and see your Dr. Either tell them or print out what you've written here, or take some bullet points that you can just hand them and tell them everything. If your choice is an appointment in 3 weeks or an emergency appointment on the day, take the emergency appointment.

    Once you are on a more even keel so to speak you can work on everything else, one step at a time. Have you thought about something like relate about your relationship?
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


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  10. #7
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    No rules broken lovely! Just guidelines. Admin will always put trigger warnings in if they feel a post may upset people. And don't worry about language, we have a swear filter in place

    I know how scary change is. You're talking to a girl who stayed in a cleaning job for 10 years because the thought of having an interview for something else absolutely terrified me. Same reason for why I've started to learn how to drive so late and then it was a case of necessity. That first step is always the hardest. I'm currently studying through the OU and loving it.
    Tên përdu, jhamâi së rëcôbro

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  12. #8
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Have you thought about taking on a client for personal training at the weekend or something? Then you can build it up slowly and see if it helps?
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


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  14. #9
    Penguin
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    Is relate relationship counselling I'm guessing, I've never heard of it?

    I have considered Docs, counsellors etc on many occasions its just that I know as soon as I start talking I'll break down like a little kid. Its hard to explain I'm not ashamed of feelings, like playing the macho type or whatever, I'm just totally ashamed of myself and where I am in life and I find that really hard to speak about in person.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jaquaia View Post
    No rules broken lovely! Just guidelines. Admin will always put trigger warnings in if they feel a post may upset people. And don't worry about language, we have a swear filter in place

    I know how scary change is. You're talking to a girl who stayed in a cleaning job for 10 years because the thought of having an interview for something else absolutely terrified me. Same reason for why I've started to learn how to drive so late and then it was a case of necessity. That first step is always the hardest. I'm currently studying through the OU and loving it.
    That basically sums up my work situation. I've been cleaning and supervising for just over a decade and it just isn't for me it doesn't fulfil me at all. Then the loathing starts like with something as trivial as driving etc and I just shut myself off. All the stuff I've looked at is with the OU too.
    Last edited by Suzi; 01-09-19 at 02:25 PM. Reason: Merging posts, please try not to double post! :)

  15. #10
    Penguin
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    Quote Originally Posted by Suzi View Post
    Have you thought about taking on a client for personal training at the weekend or something? Then you can build it up slowly and see if it helps?
    I was actually doing this previously but then when the bad feelings really started to hit I just knocked it on the head. I struggle with being around people when feeling like this so even something like that, which I can talk about all day and is the one thing I am confident and interested in, I just let it fall by the wayside. I do give nutrition/training plans for free still as its my major passion and its brilliant to see someone getting happier when their physique changes but it is online as to be perfectly honest, with all this negativity at the moment, I'm not the greatest person to be around and I know this wouldn't look good to potential clients either.

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