Hi,

I read many threads on here from people who've suffered extreme trauma in their lives that I'm wondering if I have right to post here The truth is I don't know why I am the way I am, there is not cause. I just feel like I don't fit in and don't belong.

People talk about the 'impostor syndrome' at work. Well I feel like I have the impostor syndrome on life. It just seems that life comes naturally to everyone but I just don't get it. I suppose I felt inadequate as a child because I was terrible at sports and not exactly a shining star academically either. But it really kicked in as a teenager, when peoples opinions mattered more than anything, but although I had a kind of circle of friends, I never felt comfortable interacting with people. This developed into full on social phobia by the time I was 19.

I was on Prozac for a time by 22 which made me less depressed but didn't really feel like it helped at all.

I'm 43 now, and I'm still not socially competent, but it just manifests in not being interested in social situations. I have my lunch on my own and I'm happy like that, so to speak. But I feel wrong and that I'm missing out. Is this just how my brain has come to cope with social anxiety? I suppose I do prefer to feel less anxious.

I can hold a job together, and I'm grateful for the fact that I'm good at what I do and it pays the bills, but that is pretty much the only thing I'm good at. It doesn't really give me any fulfilment. I've always had a created urge but I've been terrible at everything I've tried which always leaves me frustrated. I just constantly feel empty and meaningless.

I have a partner who has had her own problems and I don't think either of us has been particularly understanding of each other's issues. I think I might have blown it with here anyway.

I don't buy all this stuff about how you should 'just talk to someone' or 'open up'. I don't think anyone is interested, it's just an inconvenience to them.

Sorry for just ranting on, just feeling really down right now.