New here. Need help please *TRIGGERS*

[Ibby]

Hi Suzi, I definitely will let you know how it goes. Whilst I am there I am going to ask for help for quitting cocaine too.
I have found a narcotics anonymous group near me so will go there too.

I said I would survive till I get this appointment but over the last 2 weeks I have felt the worst I have ever done. All I keep thinking about is death. I finished work yesterday at 5, got home at 6 and been in bed since, now it’s saturday 4pm and I’m still in bed. And I have also been thinking i have never been truly happy. The last time I was jhappy I was probably about 9 years old, just before my dad was murdered.

[Jaquaia]

I've added a trigger warning as your last post may trigger some people. Definitely nothing to worry about, it's more a "just in case" thing.

It may not feel like it but that is so positive! It takes a huge amount of courage to admit that there's a problem and even more to actively seek help. Well done lovely! If staying in bed is what you need to do to stay safe until you get that help then so be it.

I'm sorry about what happened to your dad. Did you ever get help to deal with it?

[Ibby]

Hi we never had any help or anything when my dad was killed. It was like 30 years ago. Back then it was different.

And I think because I am going to the go on Thursday I think my thoughts are just working overdrive, where normally I just block it out. I even cried before, I think the last time i cried I was a little boy.

My niece has just got married in Pakistan yesterday too but I donÂ’t even feel happy about it. I feel more sad.

Like I remember when I went to Pakistan when I was 15 and I think the last time I was 21. I was a quiet kid back then, I had nothing in common with these people and I didnÂ’t know these people so I barely spoke to them as I had nothing to say.
I remember my uncle saying this one is stupid and a mute, IÂ’m not stupid at all.

I still remember the hurtful comments they made. IÂ’m sure they donÂ’t but I have not been back since. I have not even spoken to him for 20 years. I canÂ’t forgive him.

The other farce was I was 15 wh

I was 15 when I got married they didnÂ’t put the date on the certificate till I was 20. Then took my payslips and applied for her visa forging my signature etc. ThatÂ’s how she came .

I think there is so much I have never got over and donÂ’t think I ever will. I hope they are all happy cos they ruined my life and donÂ’t even know it.

I have always kept it simple with my family since. Very rarely go round even for birthdays etc. I donÂ’t want to celebrate anything with them,

[Jaquaia]

That's an awful lot you've had to deal with. Have you ever had anyone to talk to about it all?

[Ibby]

First time I’ve told anyone today.

There’s more too lol.
The gp is going to think he’s drawn the short straw with me

[Jaquaia]

The GP will have heard all sorts before. There's a good chance they will suggest counselling at some point. Talking can help get things out of your head and can help relieve a lot of pressure. We will always listen

[Suzi]

You've opened up hugely today, be warned that can be exhausting! It can also feel like popping the cork on a champagne bottle with when you start getting it out of your head it's almost like you can't stop and have to get everything out...

[Ibby]

That is so true.
Yesterday when I was getting it off my chest made me feel a lot better.

Not long to wait for the GP appointment now
I was thinking if i am diagnosed and on meds etc should I tell my manager at work?

I am also going to have to tell her about the narcotics anonymous meetings as will need to finish early on Thursdays, and make up the hours

[Suzi]

I always think that honesty is the best policy and actually if they do know then they might be able to help you..

[Ibby]

I have been to the gp today. It went OK. He says because I am OK at work it is the situation I am in that it could be main causes. However he thinks there be underlying causes. He is happy to refer to talking therapy and try some meds. He has sent a prescription to the pharmacy I use. It goes automatically so am unable to say what he has prescribed until it is delivered.

At least we have the ball rolling now