No need to apologize for being quiet.
We all know how well you are trying and doing the best you can. We can relate to the struggle with the thoughts. And knowing you should not feel guilty and not feel guilty are different things. In my book you are always on the page of people I admire and people I think of with warm caring feelings.
I was so happy to read you asked for help from the Samaritans. That is awesome. And great that you keep going out to swim