Hello, I would like to apologise in advance, english is my secondary language so there could be some mistakes or misunderstandings.
I waited a bit before posting here. Don't know why. I was reading other posts and people have real problems, me, all this seems irrelevant or just not important. It's difficult for me to present what or how I feel or just how my life looks like. I'm rather shy, not really great with people. I have few friends, one in particular I talk about all of this but I don't want to bother her anymore. I generally hate myself and my life. I'm unable to do something with it. I rarely have a feeling of pleasure or happiness. Mostly I feel depressed, sad or just big void inside me. All of my thoughts overwhelm me. Thoughts of why do I live? What's my purpose? How much everyones live would be better without me in it? Sometimes I had suicidal thoughts but I never decided to go for it. Every day seems the same, earlier I had these pauses from this feelings. It was normal, didn't really feel all happy or anything but it was just normal, stable. Lately only thing that's stable is how I feel. I occasionally have panic attacks but I'm starting to get used to it. I'm sorry to throw all of this at once but I think I needed to throw all of this before I explode.