This is me and I where I am today *SU TRIGGER*

[psw69]

Here are my random thoughts and ramblings as I try to explain how I feel. They aren’t cohesive and probably don’t even make sense. Maybe someone somewhere understands how I feel. Others may feel I need to be more assertive and snap out of it and push on. But this is who I am. It is what I have become over many many years.

I am suffocating here, trapped behind bricks, mortar and anxiety, unable to break free while the whole world it seems moves forward. There’s no future for me except perhaps suicide should all of it get too much for me and the overwhelming sadness inside becomes unbearable. As hard as I try I see no other outlook for myself or anyone close to me, just more of the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow. It’s hard to explain truly how miserable I feel most of the time. It is as if something has hold of me, some poison in my system and in my brain that I can’t shake off. Something that clouds my thoughts and represses anything better inside me. I wake up feeling desolate and sad and my dreams make me sadder still. There seems no escape from this road for me. It will just keep on going as I wander aimlessly from day to day in a vain attempt to try to be as normal as possible as my existence seems to be merging into one long dream like state. My thoughts in my head keep talking at the same as if several radio stations are trying to grab my attention and I can’t silence them. I feel like I am completely crazy at times when all I want is to switch of the constant buzz of random thoughts I have whizzing around for some peace and quiet.

The mountain of tablets that I have consumed over the years have made no improvements as here I am feeling even worse than I felt on the day I swallowed my first. Go to the doctor. Take these and come back next month. Give them a bit longer and come back next month. We will up your dosage next month. Leave it for another month or so. We will take you off these tablets and put you on some different ones next month. And on it goes till I have come full circle and the only option is to try tablets that did not work before. And on it will go, month after month, year after year, decade after decade.

My guts are in knots and my nerves are on edge most of the time. I want to enjoy the small things, the pleasure of trying new food, reading a book or a pleasant walk. But I can’t, even those simple things have seemingly been robbed from me. I do try but it is hard, very hard, and tiring and ultimately pointless. I feel like the whole world has become louder, more selfish and wrapped up in the pointless and the mundane. I feel invisible. I do not understand people and they do not understand me. Everything moves too fast for me and I will at some point to get trampled underfoot. And knowing that my hyperhidrosis is getting worse year after year and that nothing can be done makes everything seem harder. All I can look forward to more horrible comments when I go out, or to go out even less than I already do.

I attended an anxiety group recently after I was put on a waiting list for counselling. I was talked over several times as I tried to speak. Not once though was I asked what it was that I wanted to say. And when people were told how long I hadn’t worked I could feel their derisory looks. Afterwards it all came to me again, that feeling of I don’t belong, that I don’t matter, and that I am at times invisible. I almost felt beaten, what little esteem I had knocked out of me and I was left unable to face going back the following week. The letter several weeks later certainly reinforced my belief that people do not want to help me and I do not deserve to be helped. Just type me a letter and file me under loser and tell me to get lost without even asking why someone who has social anxiety issues couldn’t stomach going back. Help it seems is for people who shout the loudest. However it appears my only chance of help has now come to an end. My problem is I hide deeper in myself and cut off the outside world when I am at my lowest. Which is often.

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