Hi everyone,

I've made this post into 2 parts as it's quite a long story.

I'm living with my partner of 2.5 years and the last year has been hell. I love him with all my heart but I'm desperate for things to settle down.

When I met him he told me he was on fluoxetine for depression and these were helpful. He was the most loving person I'd ever met. Saw me every day, helped around the house, took me away on long weekends, wrote poems etc. After 9 months we moved in together.

Things were in general good for the first year. Some arguments happened, nothing major, just the usual getting used to each other in a small space that everyone usually gets. I wasn't too worried. We got on well, including looking after his children from a previous relationship who stay with us at weekends and regular visits to his mum who had severe MS. We spoke regularly about marriage one day, having a child of our own and buying a house etc. Things were good.

From around last summer his mum was in and out of hospital with endless infections and ended up with sepsis. Not long after this she died. We were both devastated. Just before he got a new life changing job and was due to start shortly after the death. It was a very tough time dealing with all the changes.

Sadly my partner has a history of infidelity in past relationships which he assured me wouldn't happen again, but his past became a worry of mine when I saw some messages to one of his mum’s carers which were I felt were a bit flirty around the time she'd had sepsis.
Stupidly I began checking his phone after that (bad move I know) and there were messages to other women he knew - none of which were flirty or anything to actually worry about in content but he was trying to hide them from me by archiving them and lying when I asked about them. Probably as a measure of conflict avoidance but I needed honesty and trust to feel safe. I think looking back he just needed a distraction and someone, anyone to talk to. He has no real friends so this was his only way of connection.

Due to all of this worry at the time, I had an anxiety breakdown at the start of March. I felt like a prisoner mentally. I wondered what he was up to 24/7 and it was killing me and I wasn't able to function and I kept pressuring him for reassurance. There were lots of arguments. I've never been like that, not even a bit. I somehow managed to pull myself out and got back to normal. I have since sought the help of a counsellor to make sure I don't drive myself mad with that again and can deal with it should the fears arise again.

His new job involves a lot of training for him to be qualified in a few years with courses/exams and he's so stressed about that as he's not getting much guidance, it's all new to him and it's all he talks about at home. He can't take anything in he's done and he doesn't do a lot most days he's there. He says he just can't.

So in short - there has been a lot of external stress and life changes since last summer for us as a couple.

For the past few months he has been saying to me he doesn't feel anything anymore. For me or for pretty much anything. He said this started happening a few months before his mum died. I noticed a big change in him around that time. He can't cry for his mum (last time he did this was at the funeral) and he doesn't feel anything towards me and he said he is desperate for both. He wonders if this is the tablets. He says he is desperate to feel. Every other day when I try to be affectionate with him or say loving words I am pushed away with him saying he can’t and he doesn't feel anything anymore (he does clearly feel anger and frustration still however as he'll get stressed out with me over small things quite often).

He's suggested a few times over the past months that we break up as we can’t go on like this him feeling nothing and me feeling upset all the time. He says when we have sex he enjoys it at the time but doesn't initiate it anymore because he can't feel. Other times he's told me it makes him feel sick which killed me. What he says to me about this changes. Since saying those things he has initiated it a few times. I am beyond confused. He will ‘sort himself out’ if you get me, which hurts me a bit as I miss closeness together. He said though when this happens it’s not even enjoyable anymore either.

There are great days like yesterday and today when he's happy. Yesterday we went for a run, cooked together, had a laugh and shared cuddles and spoke about future days out etc. It was nice. He says he feels on the edge of feeling but it just won’t come through. We've had several nice days where he’s motivated, wants to eat well and exercise etc then a few days later he pushes me away again and shouts he feels nothing.