Am I a bad person? *SU TRIGGERS*

[Striker2001]

My father took his own life when I was in my early 20s. We had years of hell until he finally did what he did. Throughout this time and after, my family all walked away, we had no support and no help. I bottled everything up inside for years. Around the same time as my fathers death, my partner of 6 years decided to cheat on my and my world crumbled. It took me years of fighting my own depression to get to a stage where I could function. I threw myself into work and worked myself into the ground. So much so I had a bit of a breakdown last year (8 years after he passed). I’ve always struggled to maintain healthy relationships because of fear of rejection, abandonment and anxiety. I was seeing someone earlier this year and my fear got the better of me and I pushed them away a few times. They were the first person I’d been with who openly talked about my dad and opened up this side of me I’d been holding in for so long. I think I panicked. I ended it with them rather abruptly which I deeply regret. I decided to go to my doctor and do counselling and they referred me onto psychology, they’re helping me dig deep into my past and to use other coping techniques. I got back into contact with the person I was seeing to explain and apologise profusely, and they told me I was a let down. And I let them down and they would never trust me again. I feel like a terrible person, I would never lie, cheat, or treat anyone badly I just struggle to let people close to me. They were the first person I’d ever let in fully and I threw it all away through fear. I just seem to ruin things. But I know the best apology is changed behaviour, and for the first time ever I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. But they do not want to know me, and keep saying I’m untrustworthy etc. I really want to make things right with them because I was wrong but I also don’t want to feel like such a horrible person, which is how they make me feel, my depression is really affected and it makes me Hate myself. I know I was wrong for what I did but it was purely just the straw that broke the camels back, but actually allowed me to finallyswek some help for my grief and depression. But am I as bad a person as they make me out to be? Please be honest