Depression, loneliness & excessive worry*SH Trigs*

[SA89]

I never realised your history Jacquaia, would you say being an introvert is a factor in your depression?. I know it's not exclusive to being an introvert but there does seem to be a lot of people who suffer from being more withdrawn, myself included. Depression is also a disease of isolation to coin the phrase. From my experience, the loneliness that can come with it is certainly a factor in why I'm so troubled. Even abroad on a luxurious beach or in a nightclub I've felt so lonely. I've often cried in the toilets at a gathering of people. I've turned down wedding invitations from childhood friends purely because it triggers how worthless I am in comparison. I don't like it shoved in my face how happy people are with their lives.

Anyway I'm digressing. Regarding the other stuff, I've always struggled to tie knots. I know the process but the last part I can't firmly tighten so resort to tucking in my laces . Even at Burger King I struggled to wrap burgers & someone had to tie binbags for me. Maybe it's dyspraxia who knows. My mum's done most things for me for 29 years. If I had a father figure maybe I wouldn't be so bone idle. The irony is I had a high work ethic part time at Burger King, got employee of the month. I've also been behavior tutor of the week & computing student of the term which suggests there's some potential in me. Knowing I've failed to realise that potential is keeping me pinned down in despair. I've made steps recently by registering with a teaching agency & support work, it's down to me to focus. It'd be cool if there was a community of users here on Facebook. I'm free to add anyway to chat about depression & anxiety but I don't know the rules regarding that .

[Paula]

Have you been diagnosed with dyspraxia?

[Jaquaia]

That's just it, you can be lonely and not have depression, or have depression and not be lonely. You can be introverted and not have depression and you can be extroverted and have depression. At times, I'm very happy being on my own. Other times I crave company and feel very lonely, but there aren't many people whose company I can tolerate for long. I wouldn't say that being introverted is a big factor in my depression, but it does affect being able to make friends. I'm very quiet in person, at uni that got me labelled as strange and standoffish as people weren't prepared to look past that. I'm much happier in a room full of books than a room full of people. I don't like clubbing, haven't since my early 20s! I'd much rather have a quiet night at the pub where we can actually hear each other talk, or go see some live music or theatre, a night in with friends or a nice meal out. I think one lesson I learnt is I need to be true to myself. Trying to fit in with everyone never felt comfortable, once I started being me, it helped. I have had to push past my comfort zone and pretend to be confident and the more I pretended the easier it got. It makes new situations easier to deal with. The me you see on here is pretty much who I am in person.

How would you like your life to be?

[Suzi]

I don't think it's to do with having an absent father - surely that'd make you want to help your Mum out a bit more. Didn't you say she has Lupus too?
Have you had a formal diagnosis of dyspraxia or anything else? Google diagnoses aren't helpful and can make things more difficult to work through.
What about your brother? Is he in school? College? Apprenticeship?

[SA89]

I went to a quiz night again with the meetup tonight then we had a card game afterwards which was fun. But when I got home I broke down crying in front of my mum caus we had a deep conversation about why I feel so low . She encouraged me to open up caus she's aware that suicide is the biggest killer in men under 40. I told her I think my depression is dysthymia as it's persistent & doesn't come & go in episodes. She's noticed how I've been highly irritable because of my brother & the smoking. She agreed to keep the smoke downstairs & at night smoke out the window so that's something I guess. The chat led to conversation about our family history which as nice. My mum knows I can only open up like this when it's just me & her & no ones's around due to the stigma of mental health.

The other day I had a really positive interview about volunteering as a youth worker. The 2 women told me I'm really interesting because of the work I've done with autism & how I articulate myself. I don't think I have dyspraxia btw as my symptoms only relate to tieing knots. And you seem a lot like me Jacquaia in regards to how you keep yourself to yourself. I personally have an aversion to loudmouth personality types. My estate is sadly full of those people, that's why this meetup group is a breath of fresh air. It serves as an escapism for me ..

[Suzi]

I don't think it's to do with having an absent father - surely that'd make you want to help your Mum out a bit more. Didn't you say she has Lupus too?
Have you had a formal diagnosis of dyspraxia or anything else? Google diagnoses aren't helpful and can make things more difficult to work through.
What about your brother? Is he in school? College? Apprenticeship?

Glad you opened up to your Mum and she sounds supportive. Just wondering about the above questions - although I know you posted at past 3 in the morning...

The meetup group sounds good for you - have you made any friends? What about spreading your wings and trying others? Well done on the interview!

[SA89]

Thanks, I was out again tonight with the meetup for Friday night drinks & a dance. But I was more reserved than a few weeks ago when I was more merry. Tonight I was back to my shell & the group organizer had to encourage me to get up & dance with them. I had a bit of a dance & about 3-4 half lagers but towards the end I locked myself in the club toilet with my head in my hands in despair.. 1 of the group members even came lookin for me. If only they knew how bad my depression is behind the facade of my "chilled exterior" . Even just a few half lagers seems to be enough to exasperate how worthless I feel ..

I was chatty at times & it's always good to meet new people but there's an age gap & they've lived amazing lives (living in america, italy for instance). I hate the idea of throwin pills at it to solve the way I am. If that was the case I would of took them yesterday but there's no silver bullet to mental health, that's why I've been cold turkey for a year. It was ruled out a while ago btw that I don't have dyspraxia by an assessor. My mum has Lupus yes & I feel guilty for not doing house chores. The way I feel I don't value myself, I don't care if I die tomorrow so house chores are the last thing on my mind. And my evil brother doesn't do anythin other than smoke weed & be obnoxious ..

[Paula]

I think you need to stop drinking, it’s obvious it has an effect on your mood. As for your brother, it’s irrelevant whether he helps out - what matters is what you do, not what he does. Do you not think you’d have more self respect if you helped your mum out more?

[Suzi]

Can I be blunt?

You say here that your "evil brother" does nothing and yet a few posts back you say that he helps with the shopping and the chores whilst you do nothing and stay in your room. Except when he was in mid breakdown Marc has always helped me around the house with chores I can't do/find difficult physically - things like taking the bins out, carrying loads of washing outside for me to hang up, carrying them back in when they are dry etc. I wonder if you've got yourself into a bit of a self pity wallow and you aren't actually doing anything around the house etc so then you feel worthless and guilty and so you don't do anything and it goes round in a cycle. Having depression is no excuse for not helping around tbh - especially when the person who is the one who needs your help is your Mum who is dealing with a condition as crappy as Lupus.
You say that you keep registering for teaching agencies etc and applying for caring jobs, but why not start caring and helping out your Mum? Maybe then your brother wouldn't be such of a problem.
You haven't been "cold turkey for a year." You stopped your meds "cold turkey" which only lasts until they are out of your system, since then you have just not been on meds. I don't think you were taking them properly when you were on them either were you?
Taking meds to help isn't "throwin pills" or a "silver bullet" because that isn't how they work. Sometimes it takes a few different types of meds to find the ones that help you. Of course, there are other ways of helping, but you've proved over the last year(s) that those aren't working for you, so I don't understand why you don't want to try meds. If it's an issue with your Dr then change Dr. Simple.
However, it has been shown that alcohol and not sleeping properly are huge issues for depression and again you've proved the alcohol in your post there.
Really, you do need to start trying to be more sensible and maybe trying to fake it until you make it a bit or go and speak to your Dr and try something different... What you're doing now hasn't worked and you've been trialling it for over a year, maybe it's time to try something else properly?

[SA89]

I don't want to live anymore ..