I want to smile again for real *TRIGGERS*

[Nick310771]

Good morning

Even logging on here and beginning to put down what I am feeling feels completely self indulgent.
2 years now I can't shake this thing that was initially diagnosed as stress induced depression. I am lucky that I have private health but question their motives as I don't seem to be getting better. Without boring you all with my history I have realised recently that I just get no joy anymore In anything i do and I don't know how to even begin changing that. I feel guilt 100%of the time and a complete waste of space and time. I really don't know whe to turn. I'm on max pills I can be and was very successful and amazing family etc. I smile and I'm fine to everyone but inside I'm dead almost and feel there's nothing left. I just don't want to leave my kids with the pain of a suicide. I feel completely alone as this disease is so selfish and invisible. I used to be such a fun person with a real desire for life and to live and now every smile is fake every laugh is hollow ...I hate this feeling and don't know where to begin or how to change it...maybe someone here has or is feeling the same ...I apologise in advance because I am very privileged because I was successful at work so don't have the pressures of money worries so there will be so many out the re e in a worse position than me but I'm hoping I may get some help out there. Thank you nick