Selena on the Way to Wonderland *SH TRIGGERS*

[Paula]

Has CBT been pushing at really difficult issues?

[selena]

Not everything.

[Paula]

I just mean that, if it is, that may be what’s causing the nightmares

[Suzi]

Or have you had any anniversaries etc come up?

Are you still having therapy?

[selena]

No. But a year since my lost flight to Paris on Friday.

No, I will return to sessions in May.

[Suzi]

Can I ask why you are waiting until May to restart your sessions?
Maybe the fact you lost not only your flight, but the hope you had of being with that guy too.... It's understandable that you are feeling really sad about it.

[selena]

Because they are not free of charge. Unfortunately, the mental health is still omitted in my place, especially now in Covid crisis.


Yes, but I have actually found another penpal not so long time ago. However, this time I was wiser and he probably too. He told me soon there is no online love and he doesn't want to shatter my fragile mental health with promises.
Well, I have realized I am not ready for real life dating yet. Now I am still very emotional and fragile.

As far as it concerns Paris itself - the city, I still want to visit it.

[Suzi]

That makes sense about it being a private system...
Sweetheart you are so intelligent, kind, thoughtful, beautiful and interesting that I believe you deserve so much more than the men in your life have been/treated.... Your Dad treats you like rubbish, seeming to only contact when he wants something from you, that last man seemed lovely, but actually was rubbish to you and now this one who is talking about your "fragile mental health".... You deserve to be loved, put first and treated like a princess. I really think you need to start seeing yourself as deserving of this.

[selena]

The very last man (from this year) was very nice and active since the beginning....chemistry for sure, but a lot of shared interests and discussions.
He was attentive indeed and I think his attitude seemed like everything I have ever dreamt of. Actually, he was rather insistent, but respectful. We have even the same birthmark! His words deeply touched me, I have never pushed the things. I did not want to hurry the things up, knowing the previous experience.

He is a French-Moroccan and I think the obstacle between us was...religion or maybe his clan's general opinion about such unions. No, he was nice and tolerant, he listened to what I have talked about Christianity and me about Islam.
He seemed secular in his looks first, but then he revealed he is a practicing Muslim. I know a part of him was genuine for sure. He actually proved to be a good friend, listening to the events from my life and his advice was fine. He often repeated I have a pure soul. I could read admiration in his eyes.
That until one day...
I was waiting for my best friend in a cafe. He messaged me and was nervous. I felt something wrong happened even in the previous days.I did not know that a clan means so much even in Europe. Then I asked him if he needs me in his life. He told me that does not want to hurt me and the current situation in France is harsh and his family is his rock, so we cannot be together and he decided it will be better to marry a distant cousin from his family and move to Belgium. Knowing that I should come to Paris anyway, because I generally wanted to visit the city and university considering my desire to maybe pursue post-graduate studies there, he revealed that we can meet, but that is all. I could not believe myself, my tears were falling down cause he has treated me so nice. He asked me to forgive him and that I cannot take my life as I am a good Christian. His parents are deceased too, I thought he is independent, but actually since the first video call I realized I am stronger than him (but depressed), although he is a bit depressed too.
He told me he did not want to act this way, his first desire was being with me, but he cannot currently financially support a family/woman independently. I told him to think, to stop, that is not normal, we have been talking nearly daily, I am still missing his voice, his face! I wondered, if he lies or tells the truth. He said I don't really know him and I am a special woman, but should not really trust any man on internet. He told me then sorry to shock me, that I should try to sleep and that from now on we are good friends. I told him I know, it is online, but still it could not be just friendship. He said yes, he understands this. I told him that he is heartless, he replied that I am hurting his feelings, that I should calm down and search for someone else. But I have got attached to him so much, although I noticed he became a bit anxious, when we talked about clan relationships and religion.

He is indecisive and I think one of his sisters had an impact on him too. His attitude touched me so much and he is so intelligent that I was ready to move there with him as soon as possible. I started blaming myself for everything, because he encouraged me and was so nice to me too. But in certain aspects we disagreed, he said it will be better to move with my dad, because a woman must not live alone.

[Paula]

Well that last statement from him was rubbish. You’ve been living on your own for some time now, and are managing very well!

Hunni, my hubby is atheist and I’m a Christian. It’s extremely hard at times to be with someone who doesn’t have the same beliefs as you do. I’m fortunate in that Si has never tried to stop me from practising my faith, and actually encourages it. But I know many, many Christian women whose non believing partners make it very difficult for them. Your Frenchman wasn’t wrong in saying that a relationship would be very difficult between you. However, he was wrong in letting things get as far as they did without talking to you properly about it. He should have known this was the likely outcome and stopped things before he hurt you.