Selena on the Way to Wonderland *SH TRIGGERS*

[Paula]

I can imagine how painful it is that you had all those years when your mum struggled to allow you to live your life, only to see a glimpse at the end of how it could have been if she’d been able to see things differently, earlier. She probably thought she was protecting you when actually she was lucky she didn’t push you away - and that’s down to your love and devotion for her.

Sweetie, I’m a Christian, I was raised in a Christian family. My husband is not, nor has any desire to even consider it. My daughter is gay. I love them both very, very much and nothing and no one will ever change that and I will never turn my back on them. What I’m trying to say is that there is a huge difference between true Christianity and religion and those ‘religious people’ you’ve come across are not Christian in my eyes

[selena]

All of you are so supportive that I cannot express my feelings well enough and hide my tears.

Even her confessor told me that maybe that was "good" for her to die at that period. I remember my boss's cleaner (which left the company a few years ago) came once to clean my office and told me I would marry after my mom's death! I was so shocked....

Maybe my mom achieved a higher spiritual level and had a vocation, I believe, but I am a simple woman just willing to be happy in my own way.

I just want that she hears me where she is now and fully understands my feelings, my struggle, my willingness and my weakness that I am not ideal in the matter of mental health. Because I was with her until the end and although she was not in direct putrefaction process like the other cancer patients, but anyway. I know she loved me, but all this is a trauma to me, comprising some of her words, still sounding in my head!!!
I know that in the end, everything had been different.

First, that I am "deformed". Ok, I had been touched by insulin rezistance, but I am not guilty and although I lost some weight, but I am not in a slim team. My psychologist considers this caused by mostly psychological issues.

I have a question to all of you. Is it ok listening to mantra or motivational meditation videos (this brings me relief), although I am a Christian?

[Suzi]

You are NOT deformed! You are beautiful! You just need to smile more

Of course you can listen to things that you find soothing!

[selena]

That is hard to smile. Now it is a bit hard. When that man was present in my life, he made me smile, now generally it is more difficult in lockdown.

As for my mom, I know she was searching for perfection, but in the end she admitted she is wrong. She revealed that was caused by her harsh childhood and poor self-esteem. I would want her back, because she was my mom and we shared nice memories too, but I realize the reality of course. There are things that deeply hurt.

In the end of spring 2019, some weird things happened. According to one of the scans, she had multiple MT, according to the other - it was unclear. And on her summer pics when she accompanied me to the airport in my way to London, she looked fine.
But there is a thing she did, although there is no way of making me feel guilty. I didn't communicate with anyone at that time and it was a general discussion and I thought she changed her mind in many aspects, mainly because of remission. It was nothing at all, but she suddenly exploded and said: " If my daughter will marry a Muslim, then I ask God to take away all my recovery so far and die, so that I will never see them or any grandchildren!" I was so shocked and scared at once, because it was me who fought for her nearly alone. But really I did not search for a special category of religion etc, it was some fun at beginning in internet communication with the men from abroad. Later, some stronger connections appeared, everything was mostly online and pretty much without even skyping!!! Maybe because they were not too insistent in intimate discussions or respect my privacy, not sure.

She even complained to the confessor about it, without taking into consideration that I am a different kind of Christian and I will never change my religion. I was so ashamed of everything, because it sounded weird. The confessor told her not to judge people of the other faith.

[Paula]

You really are not deformed. If you are, love, then me and my multiple health issues would make me a complete wreck - and I’m not. I’m also married with 2 amazing kids, and my contribution to my family has never been less than it should, even if I’m not well. None of us are perfect, the important thing is to accept ourselves for who we are, not who others want us to be.

As for that explosion of your mum’s, hunni I’m not a perfect mum but I would be horrified if I was to say anything like that to or about either of my children.

Oh, and I meditate most days.... actually I use a meditation based on bible verses

[Stella180]

What has being Christian got to do with it? If those videos are of benefit to you then absolutely stick with it and no shame in it at all.

I don’t know your definition of “deformed” but it’s definitely not a word that I would use to describe you at all. You have health conditions, that does not make you deformed.

Your mother. I am glad that you and her were able to resolve some of your differences before her passing and the fact that she was able to be more compassionate with you towards the end. However, the years of her saying some horrendous things about you and being incredibly controlling and that kind of trauma does not disappear all of a sudden.

[Mira]

If deformed means that you are a smart woman, open minded and in interested in other people and cultures. Trying to better better yourself and build a future for yourself without looking down on anyone or anything. Then yes. You should even be proud of being deformed.

But if you think the "regular" definition applies to you then I have to say (and this is something I hardly ever say), you are wrong!

I am a man of many believes. But not a religious one. But if I were to believe in a higher power. Or god. Restrictive thinking would not fit that lifestyle. When my grandmother died we were in church. And I kept hearing god is love. God is love. God loves all his children. Then there we are. All his children. That tells me the gay children, the sick children, the muslim children, the transgender children. I could go on and on. And if that is how we look at someone and say thats a religious person. Then I think everyone of us here on this forum is deeply religious.

To me its that simple.

I live in the Dutch bible belt. A small village with 12.000 people next to me and 14 churches. They all separate over (in my view stupid) rules. They go to church in a car. They dress differently. They watch tv. etc etc. To me that's not religion. There are so many religious people that are doing out of the box things to feel a deeper connection to god. And if that helps them. Then by all means go for it. Who cares what other people think of it? I think its a personal thing to begin with. Your own connection to god. What does other people give the power to determine how you should express your love or your feelings?

Selena. Through your posts we have gotten to know the person you are. And the person you have become even through the difficult times. You are a woman with mental health problems yes. But these do not define you. Its a part of you. But its not all that you are. And its not how you or anyone else should look at you. And the way you are has nothing to do with being deformed. I myself have never ever seen a person I would call deformed. Sadly there are a lot of people with problems and issues. But thats not being deformed.

[Suzi]

As a Mum to 3 children who all have additional health needs I am disgusted by what hurtful, hideous things that your Mother said to you. Being ill is no excuse for being so unkind. 2 of my children are autistic, one has chronic health illnesses... Do any of those things make them "deformed"? NO! They may be different, but we are all different from each other and aren't we all made in the image of God, as one of God's children? The others are right, I'm sorry lovely, I know you're grieving but the horrible things she said to you are inexcusable and are even more so as she was your Mother and meant to be the one person who loves you unconditionally and without judgement. The first person to support you and to be there for you - not to fill your head with horrible rubbish as this stuff.

[OldMike]

Selena how can you possibly be described as deformed (it was cruel beyond belief for your mother to say that), you're a highly intelligent pretty young woman it's a pity you don't see yourself as others see you.

[selena]

When I look back, I understand that she herself, my poor mom, had issues with self-esteem and once told me she considers herself deformed too!!! I asked why, because when she did not eat sweets, she was rather slim. She was an artist first as her vocation and she started telling me about ideal proportions or closer standards. Then she started reminding me the words my stepfather told her, a horrible man. I said ok, but anyway why she allowed him to say these horrible words, how she did come that in the end he even tried to kill her, 10 years of tolerating him! We would have been so happy without him. She admitted then that everything is related to her poor self-esteem since childhood. A month or two before her death, she told me: " I and grandma got to get along recently. But my childhood was harsh, she never gave me a kiss, just telling me how horrible I am and refusing to buy even the cheapest nice dress. I had never felt my mother's love, I had always been a worthless loser, being told again and again that I am nearly nothing. I wanted us to be different, so I told you since childhood how amazing you are." Yes, this was true. My early childhood was very happy. But then this horrible man came into our life. Later, I started to gain weight due to stress.
In my mother's definition, "deformed" is somebody's body (woman's variant) affected by illness, especially weight gain. Then she tried to interpret and explain everything that all this is due to sins and curse. When she had her religious vocation revealed, she attended religious services, allowing to be told rather bad things by some so called religious servants. She raised her voice when I missed those services. I tried to explain that I am a bad Christian, because I have my view, something alike.
I cannot deny that some small or big miracles, good things happened, but I think that occurred due to my inner prayer or hers. The worst came after she started self-blaming herself, stating that is such a big sinner, and no real reasons provided. She started to fast very harshly, one year not eating and/or drinking for 9 days! I know she made her best that I have everything possible and to fulfill some spiritual goals, but the others took advantage of this too.

When she realized her faux pas, it was too late. And I knew deeply inside, since the first hospital admission, that this is the beginning of the end.

When we had talked about euthanasia before, she told me that a true Christian would never accept something alike. Then she recognized her fault when she got diagnosed with cancer. But the worst occurred when I had been completely alone with her before her death. She died on Sunday, but this happened on Saturday - the start of infinite circle in attendance of death. No, there had not been any physically horrible issues, but cancer remains a beast. I was alone. Just the connection on internet and Cholangocarcinoma support group, they helped a lot indeed. So when I asked if she maybe wants me to read the Bible, she said no, not in this condition. She was not searching or asking for anyone's help, just asking me to help her into her native language. I was feeling completely lost, but had no choice. Then she probably imagined we are in Euthanasia unit waiting for doctor and asked me: " When will the doctor come? To finally inject me to die. Please tell him to do this as fast as it is possible. " I was perplexed, but just murmured he is on his way there. And thought deeply inside that I had been right, we should never judge. The next day, she died peacefully and I know I should be grateful for this, thus avoiding additional mental struggles, but this is a trauma too.

The same happened with her opinion about my mental problems, she said I should search for help and she was not right about her previous statements that a true Christian should not search for doctor's help and does not need psychological assitance or other help, she criticized my preference for meditation and yoga practice. But in the end she changed, asking forgiveness before God and me for having judged so harsh, affirming that she was so wrong and if God gave her another chance, she would have acted differently. Maybe that is the reason she accepted that man despite everything too.

Her childhood friend confirmed she had a harsh childhood. I have also found out that my mother had acquired school program very early, being strong in all fields, even in maths. She was ready to enter the university at 13-14 years old. It was USSR and they had a Council and decided to allow her for final exams a bit later, so she left school at 15 years old. Her Dad was talented too, but not acquiring everything so early. And she was not happy.

I am different and unwilling to follow her exact spiritual path, I am not a regular, but a moderate church goer and with liberal views. Meditations have a positive impact on me too. I would be happy to see her alive, but now I decided to follow my path.