Selena on the Way to Wonderland *SH TRIGGERS*

[Mira]

What you are telling us, its not easy. I agree with Suzi. You do deserve someone that will treat you right. I remember when I might someone in another country. We both tried to see each other as fast as we could. To see if there was something between us that you can only know in person.

When I read your thread I get the idea that you are hoping o find mr right. And that with his validation you will feel better? That his love will pick you up and will carry you. It will. But only the first times. After that things will get harder again and struggles will return. Even if the relationship is perfect.

All that Suzi is saying is true. And when you do meet someone I hope you will still go on with seeing help. So everything can keep growing like a tree. As strong and good roots. For yourself and for a future relationship

[Paula]

I’m glad you had someone who helped you through the first stages of your grief. And I’m glad you’ve got the strength now to not accept second best. There is someone out there who will celebrate who you are and want to make you the centre of his universe, and I know you will find him

[selena]

Thank you so much for your encouragement and for your kind words. This means a lot to me.

For Suzi, the last world events, uncertainty, crisis and good memories do trigger too...because this crisis seems sometimes infinite.

For Mira, now I have given myself a break. But yes, his presence in my life kept me strong and lifted me higher. I remember our first skype communication,I mean I had communicated with the other guys too thorugh this way. This face-to-face, but when I saw him, my naive and childish thought was that he is the one lol! And the most ironical thing is that I generally have a rather strong intuition, but probably not that time...His smile lit up both my soul and my room. We talked nearly until the first hours of morning...I had never been so happy and calm before. His dark eyes sparkled too ....Even now, I smile when I remember this moment. He treated me respectfully, although he seemed so flirty. I told him we have a bit different temperaments, but he replied feeling so comfortable together, him being very dynamic and sociable but willing to have a calm girlfriend.
I think he cannot really grasp the true meaning of depression and he should have gone to pyschologist himself after.
But after lockdown, something happened and broke inside him. Although he had never been mean to me, he became anxious, telling me that sometimes he switches off everything and does not read any messages. He changed too, there had not been the same sparkle that had been before...We had less communication. And he became desperate, maybe a coward or maybe that occurred because of the whole crisis, I don't know.
I realize that I have got attached too much to him, maybe I was alone after my mom's death, that had an impact too.

But you cannot imagine where my heart was when I saw him with the other woman...the woman he does not really like (maybe to an extent of course), that it must have been me, my story...because I deserved it so much after all my sufferings. He had also a good impact because I was not afraid of him, I forget about my stepfather's harassment by his side....
But then I realize he might have started drinking or going down, or cannabis, if not this interaction...so bad that he did not go to a psychologist.

Maybe I idealized him to an extent, but anyway such words before/after my mom's death " My heart is with your mommy", "Kiss her on my behalf" - these words would melt down anyone's heart! I started smiling and blossoming after a while...people mentioned it too.

He is missing me too, I know, although he got tired with online interaction. But I think this is the best variant, leaving him in peace.

As for my Dad, he revealed himself too, never asking me about my private life, just having a business approach. And yes, I have decided to visit him, but I don't want to start in my dad's place a new life and I am unwilling to learn a new language, just feeling tired.

[Suzi]

Sweetheart I'm glad that you're just going to visit your Dad and not start a new life with him. I think you need to carry on with the counselling and work at finding you some happiness. You had a really tough year last year, so maybe take some time and think about what you really want... Then go out and get it!

[selena]

I think I want that winter lockdown comes to an end and yes, there is some time for reflections indeed.

My psychologist emphasized that this won't last forever and maybe I will be able to have a city break...like I did in summer 2019 during my visit to London, which was successful one and I also met a special person...

[Suzi]

He's right, you have lots of options when the pandemic is over.

[selena]

Today I have attended the other session. I started practicing meditation too. The idea is that there are core problems originating from my childhood and younger years, fears related to my mother's religious practice.
I am missing my deceased family members, but that is life...Many times I have been tortured by certain thoughts, experiences, memories...I asked them to forgive me, if I have done something wrong, but I am willing to be myself.

Although my mom realized the wrong direction of reminding me about being deformed and accepting my wishes in the end, although the last months before her death, she herself tried to repair everything and to restore the things like they used to be in my childhood, certain past things, some hurtful moments and words remain in my memory. I know she had a difficult childhood, was very talented, at the same time helped a lot of other people, but certain things and my stepdad (incuding not only harassment towards me, but his inhuman attitude towards her). I cannot be her, I am not praying like her, I am a simple sinner, I like the men that she usually did not, I have some different opinions and I cannot tolerate some humiliating things like her. She regretted so much before her death and told me that I am a good and beautiful girl, she said I can be with whoever I want to, she will not interefere, just willing to live more if God gives her another chance. This period was a blessing, although it had been hard, the period followed by imminent death. But I think the point is not in being ideal, but sincere with others and with oneself - being and doing what I want.

I remember one of my visits to the hospital where she underwent treatment back in 2017. There were some neighbours in the room, some other women too.
I suddenly talked about a guy I communicated with, he was expected to visit, but it never happened due to certain circumstances...Well, that woman sit near her and whispered pointing at me: "Please let this girl live her life. She can succeed or fail, but it's hers. I have a daughter who married a muslim, never converting herself....they are happy.My other daughter revealed to be a lesbian and I was not delighted at all. But I thought the most important is seeing them happy, seeing smile on their lips. Your daughter deserves to be happy too."
My mother told her no, because a Christian girl should never date pagans. Some time before her death, she asked me to forgive her and asked God to forgive her, that she would have acted differently and must not have judged people according to their religion. And there were certainly some other things too...I cannot really blame myself, now I am simply shocked while thinking about the whole crisis over years. She admitted euthanasia is a normal choice and it is hard one and it had been so differently before her death, when she said a true Christian should never accept this, also admitting that a depressed person like me should ask for help and a man really loving me will accept this weakness of mine...disease otherwise.

[Suzi]

To be honest I'm not sure that I recognise someone as being a devout follower of God and the teachings of kindness and Christianity in someone who can then say such harsh things to you as she had done in the past. This nonsense about you being deformed is just nonsense. You are a very beautiful young lady and you deserve to be treated like a Princess by someone. I identify as a Christian and I haven't ever followed the straight path and married someone who is a Christian. I've dated women and I'm married to a man who had no faith at all. We've been together for nearly 22 years! Sweetheart you deserve to be happy and if that's with a person of whatever faith, no faith, a man or a woman as long as it makes you happy then that's all that's important. Anyone who doesn't want to accept you as you are isn't worth your time at all. Sweetheart you're a lovely, kind and very intelligent person. You deserve to be happy, but finding a partner isn't going to be a magic wand to make you happy...

[Stella180]

I’m just imagining if your mum had Suzi as a daughter. We all know how totally epic Suzi is, how caring, thoughtful, and supportive she is and a genuine nice person but your mum would’ve lost her mind raising a free spirit like her.

You don’t need approval to live your life in a was that you see fit. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, just be yourself.

[selena]

I am just feeling very sorry...deeply sorry that it a was a very short period into which we finally had a normal relationship....a connection that seemed lost since childhood. She provided a lot to me and had herself a rather troubled personality and life, blaming herself or insisting on her principles related to my life. So weird, she gave her blessing to my communication with a man I have been in touch with for a year so far. One of my close friends told me that this had been that way probably because she was dying and she tried not to make me upset...she said that if she had lived, she would probably have found something wrong in him too.

The only good thing that she had never judged someone's sexuality, never judged if someone lived in or without marriage etc...The other principles had been dominant, regarding difference of religions for example or some other issues. But she said before her death I am amazing and can do whatever I want and live with who I want, regardless any differences, just to be attentive that my feelings would not be hurt.

But generally some religious people, some too harsh principles can trigger me, so I am trying to avoid such discussions.