Selena on the Way to Wonderland *SH TRIGGERS*

[selena]

I have had an online boyfriend (NO MORE ONLINE DATING if he is far away).

Our communication has been very good, for nearly a year or so. Once he pointed out that the problem is distance between us. That was back in January. He supported me a lot after my mom's death, having given his warmth. He liked me as a woman too. My mom got to have known him before her death, not in real life, but she gave her blessing. He also has been very much impressed with her life that she had raised me alone...

So I told him I can relocate anywhere, no problem and I like the place he lives (apparently!). I even applied online for an assessment to be registered for Master's degree at the local university there only to be with him...and to my surprise, they replied I can follow Master or Ph.D. studies there!

So, I bought a ticket, but corona changed my plans....The flight in March had been annulled. And I accumulated more debts on lockdown, he got depressed too.

We restarted our communication in summer. It was very beautiful, I mean he is not ideal, but his attitude was not bad at all!

I did not know if I can visit him in autumn, although my flight had been apparently rescheduled.

Then our communication stopped, he hasn't replied to my messages anymore....I accidentally saw his pic with another woman, I've got everything. And I decided to cut everything between us, because he has already blocked me too on one of his accounts, not secretly following him behind other persons....It is a bit more than a week. It is hard, but I decided to leave with my head up and dignity. Although everything is bleeding with sorrow inside of me.

This evening I have broken in tears and called my Dad. Nothing special...
I just told him about my online relationship...briefly. But his reply put me down: "Yep, unpleasant...but...damn...I wanted you to relocate here by my side, staying by my side, not with that man somewhere else. If he returns to you, then I will remain without my daughter with me."

[Stella180]

Selena why would you call your Dad when you are feeling down? It’s obvious he’s only going to make things worse. As for the “relationship”, well that’s not really what it was. You were in love with the idea of being in a relationship, but for that to happen you meet the other person, spend time with them to know that you are compatible. What you had was a pen pal. You got away lightly, imagine you had travelling half way across Europe to be with this man in March? Covid did you a favour. If you want to date you have to get up and go out and meet people. People that live close enough to make spending time together regularly a possibility and get to know them.

[Suzi]

Hunni, I know we've talked about all this. I'm glad you're talking here. You might get other opinions which would be great

[selena]

I don't know, I am feeling very alone now...I cannot even go to Romania for a holiday in mountains because there are many recommendations against it.

And I am feeling like being closed in a trap, my 2 best friends are in the other cities, we can communicate online but obviously less, we cannot go for a walk around.

And maybe I wanted his pity, I wanted his opinion and support of a senior man, a Dad...but I was shocked to hear that he wanted me there by his side first, not thinking about my life.

[Paula]

Selena, over all the years I’ve known you, all you’ve ever really talked about is escaping/moving countries. Maybe the appeal of this man was simply that he gave you the opportunity to leave?

As for your dad, IMO a parent’s role is to ensure their child has the means to make their own life, independent of parents, not to spend their life pandering to mum or dad.

[selena]

For Paula - no, I liked him as a man and his attitude too. In this case, I think I would be glad just being together with him, regardless of the country.

[Suzi]

But hunni, as I've said to you privately, your Dad only ever treats you as if you are his and you have to do as he says or he isn't interested in you, certainly doesn't take an interest in your life or your hopes and dreams.
RE the man in France - hunni, I understand that you had a connection with him, but love did he ever suggest to you that he came to see you, rather than you making the journey to him? I also have to point out that you travelling to see someone in another country is REALLY risky. You do not know that he is who he says he is. It's really easy to be someone you aren't online...... You could be travelling into complete danger.

[selena]

I have taken a holiday leave scheduled for beginning of November, but my first CBT appointment is scheduled for next week.

I hope it helps.

[Suzi]

I'm really glad you're doing this.

[Strugglingmum]

A nice break from work sounds lovely. All the best for starting your cbt.