Selena on the Way to Wonderland *SH TRIGGERS*

[selena]

I'm feeling so bad, so depressed, I'm fed up with my work, with my boaa, with my current place, with my f...g life, with my mom's disease, with the fact that I've failed in my private life.

I know that is nothing in comparison with my mom's sufferings, but this is just the way I'm feeling, that I'm useless and cannot stop the process of disease.

But that's ME. I just want to cut my fingers, my veins, to take something, and also fear that one day a customer will find me in tears.
That I'm not worth of being loved, and hearing at home my mom's good and a bit vile comments at once, although generally we get along well now. I'm feeling that she's more or less happy each time I fail in my real or online attempt to build up a relationship with a man. I know that is a sin to think so, but that's my feeling, her ideal of man is hers and the image of religion too. I'm feeling bad in my relation with prayer and church too, I'm feeling punished, trapped, breathless.

In fact, too much accent on me, I'm maybe egoist but responsible for everything, just feeling I cannot cope with this chaos anymore...

[Jaquaia]

I've added a trigger warning lovely.

Stop and take a deep breath. You know what we say here, if it affects you then it matters. Your mum being ill doesn't mean that your suffering suddenly becomes irrelevant. It doesn't mean that you can't resent her when she makes those vile comments. You're human lovely, not a robot, and it's ok to find all this incredibly difficult. And you've not failed in your private life, it just hasn't happened yet.

Take a deep breath.

Can you try and do something nice for you every evening?

[Suzi]

I'm feeling so bad, so depressed, I'm fed up with my work, with my boaa, with my current place, with my f...g life, with my mom's disease, with the fact that I've failed in my private life.

You haven't "failed" in your private life at all! You've been spending so much time and energy taking care of all those around you and trying to be the perfect daughter etc that you haven't had enough space to meet anyone properly!

I know that is nothing in comparison with my mom's sufferings, but this is just the way I'm feeling, that I'm useless and cannot stop the process of disease.

Of course it's important how you are feeling! You cannot give every waking moment to work and caring for your Mum, no one can. Sweetheart if all of medical science can't stop the disease progressing then you have to see that it isn't anything to do with you being "useless" at all! You are far from useless.

But that's ME. I just want to cut my fingers, my veins, to take something, and also fear that one day a customer will find me in tears.
That I'm not worth of being loved, and hearing at home my mom's good and a bit vile comments at once, although generally we get along well now. I'm feeling that she's more or less happy each time I fail in my real or online attempt to build up a relationship with a man. I know that is a sin to think so, but that's my feeling, her ideal of man is hers and the image of religion too. I'm feeling bad in my relation with prayer and church too, I'm feeling punished, trapped, breathless.

In fact, too much accent on me, I'm maybe egoist but responsible for everything, just feeling I cannot cope with this chaos anymore...

You are NOT responsible for everything. It is not a sin to have a relationship with a man at all. You can build up a relationship without having sexual experiences if that's what worries you....
Your Mum has always said hideous things to you. Please try to remember that that's just her being horrible and is very far from the truth. You are a wonderful young lady, you are smart and kind and thoughtful... She isn't always and surely that's a bigger sin than talking to a man?

[selena]

Thanks for supportive words. Although it's a daily struggle, but some days are very dark.

As for relationship, my mom might be concerned, but the main thing bothering me is extreme opinions of some religious people, I cannot perceive the extreme things as normal. I cannot accept the harsh style dictated by some priests.

The relation with my mom has improved so far, like it had been before, or let's say from adult perspective. The disease of course makes everything harder.

[Suzi]

What kind of opinions are you struggling with?

Are you having treatment and therapy?

[OldMike]

I've been through it with both my mum and dad, dad with liver cancer and mum with dementia, both are cruel diseases and you make feel helpless, but being feeling helpless isn't the same as being useless you are supporting your mum to the best of your ability and that's all you can do. As for your job find another employer or set out on your own.

[selena]

I think I need to wait just a little and take private CBT sessions (or psychologist), otherwise I can get mad with all last events, especially see my mom dying.

[Suzi]

OK, I just wonder if you having that space to talk through everything with someone might be a good thing - especially whilst you are dealing with your Mum's illness...

You didn't answer...

What kind of opinions are you struggling with?

[selena]

It's related to religion dogmas.

I don't agree with all strict teachings of my church.

[Suzi]

Which teachings in particular? - That is, if you don't mind talking about it?