Thanks Magie.
Today at work i felt out of it. Could not focus and made stupid mistakes. So i went home early. And i had a good day with regards to eating. So that is a win. But other then that I am sitting on the couch just staring at the walls.
So many things I wish I could do but nothing I can do. I am my own worst enemy.
This all sounds way to dark. And i wanted to delete it. But i will post it.
Thank you for posting it, thank you for trusting us enough to post it. Having a good day with eating is a huge win, lovely, well done-.gif ")")
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.
You can't win at everything. Your win of the day was eating right. Celebrate that win. The others will come too.
Baby steps lovely. It's going to take time.
Tên përdu, jhamâi së rëcôbro
Thank you so much for posting! I know how hard that can be. That's a huge step.
Can you get together things that you can do when you can't face anything else - to stop you from staring at the walls... What about things like sketchbooks? Crochet? Knitting? Colouring? Jigsaw puzzles? Ingredients to bake with?
Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!
I have this dread that today will be another bad day. I still feel guilty of not joining my brother and his new girlfriend for dinner next friday. I have not met her yet. But its way to stressful for me to do right now. And I have this image in my mind that then she will see me in a bad moment and I will be branded the weirdo mental health problem boy.
So I want to do that when I am feeling a bit better.
Seeing other people succeed in things that I find difficult makes me feel so bad. Its a list that goes round and round in my mind. A list of things I want to learn and do. And then the list of things I say that suck the fun out of them in an instant.
I want to write down some of the things on those lists. But thats not easy for me. I can already feel my nerves coming because then I talk about what I would like and people might judge because of it.
Well here goes anyway. At least here its a safe inviroment.
I love to be old fashioned (in the good way, not a racist way or thinking of class difference). Be humble and caring. Friendly and have a house that looks like its been build and decorated in the '30.
The list of hobbies is so long but I dont do any of them. I like to read, write poetry ( I loved reading Lord Byron in English). To draw and to do Caligraphy. My dream is to learn. Study. I even thought of doing an Open University study in the UK. Be better at my current job. I want to exercise. I always wanted to run a marathon. Be social and volunteer at the local museum.
What do I do at the moment? Not one single thing. Thats partly because of the depression. And its to do with the list that goes round and round in my head since I was a little boy.
You are not smart. Look at others around you. So many people get things done. Even with mental health issues. You are pathetic. You are no where near good enough at writing and caligraphy. You practice and not even have a routine. Just stop. You are a big dissapointment. Just stick to the shadows. Where people do not see you. That way nobody can think badly about you.
One thing I have got going for me is that I have rules for myself. I was born German. So I need to be on time. I need to work and I need to do my best. This helped me to have my own home. Have a job and be punctual.
But other then that I feel like an empty shell. An empty shell of the person I could be.
Even writing this has left me sad. I might take a small break. And rest a little bit. Sadly that does not help but i have no idea what else to do.
I apologize for being so down in my post.
And the bad part is that its not just thoughts that go round in my mind. But I feel this to be true in my core. Even on good days where I dont have bad thoughts. A feeling comes over me and I spiral.
NEVER apologise for saying how things really are for you.
Sweetheart I know it's in your head, but you are far from "not smart!" You speak so many languages - I always forget that English isn't your first language when I see your posts here. I couldn't write anything nearly that complicated in any other language.
You can do all of those things, but I'll be honest that each one just takes 1 step forward. You can download things like the couch to 5k app to help you work towards running 5k, it just takes 1 step forward...
You could study anything you wanted to. You really are an intelligent person - as to being kind, caring and humble - you've already achieved those things. You are a gentle soul and a caring friend.
Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!
All of what Suzi said. I speak English and a little of my own native language which is Irish. When Aisling was little I thought of the dread I had in learning my own language, and I wanted it to be easier for her. She's a fluent Irish speaker now aged 12, but doesn't want to continue with it. I've brought her along as much as I could. It's her decision. But hopefully she will find it easier to learn more languages now.
You are doing so well. Don't forget that. Love you and wishing you a better day.
You never have to apologise for how you feel here!
You are an incredibly smart person. I'm doing my degree with the Open University and they are absolutely brilliant, the tutors are really supportive and I much prefer studying on my own so it works for me. Suzi and Paula can probably tell you how much I struggled with my first module as my head wasn't good. I've even struggled with this assignment as my head hasn't been great, this was actually an extension. But my tutor has been brilliant. So maybe look into that.
You are an amazing person and we will all keep telling you that
Tên përdu, jhamâi së rëcôbro
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