Worries about my own negativity *SU Triggers*

[C.Naylor]

Hello and thank you to everyone who may read this and offer their opinion/support.

I’m currently 28 and I’ve been struggling with depression for what seems to feel all my life. I struggle with anxiety too but most of the time I can keep anxiety attacks and panic attacks at bay with some simple breathing and steady thinking techniques.

My thoughts.

So depression as we all know sucks. I have days where I’m the happiest man alive, I’m greatful for how far I’ve come in my life considering my up bringing. I have a beautiful wife and three amazing children yet I can’t kick this feeling of worthlessness.
I feel like I’m bringing my wife and kids down, she offers her support but truthfully I don’t talk to her as much as I could about what’s going on in my head.
I’m worried that despite the strength she shows, that I’m going to grind her down and break her down until she feels either the same as me or eventually has enough and leaves.

I’ve often contemplated suicide, but luckily my phone has enough photos on to persuade me it’s not the right thing to do.

It’s here you find me at an impass. I work away all week and once the work for the day is finished. I find myself sitting in a poorly ran hotel just thinking and thinking and thinking.
Everything I hoped to provide for my family is little to non existent, the euphoria of finally having the family I craved has gone and I find myself stuck unfortunately with myself.

If I’m honest I’m only writing in the hope it will ease some of my mind and release some of my thinking but no doubt only for it to return shortly.

I’ve tried various forms of help.
I have tried a social life, I have tried going to gym or jogging in the streets. I’ve tried copious amount of prescribed drugs but due to chequered teen years the Drs won’t give me anything that can be addictive. As we all know most are or can be to the wrong person addictive. I’ve rang Samaritans and I’ve contacted let’s talk just to mention a few. Nothing seems to help.

I don’t want to bribe the closest people to me down as I don’t have many people in my life.