Me, part 673 *TRIGGERS*

[Jaquaia]

Not really as then I get my mum bugging me. So I've brought Pride and Prejudice downstairs to read as I can switch off then. And J will be here just before 8 so I'll have him to hold my hand

[Paula]

Drinking?

[Jaquaia]

I have got another drink. Taken a propranolol too, took the precaution of ordering more as I'm needing them more recently

[Paula]

You’ve had a lot on soits not a surprise. You’re doing brilliantly

[Jaquaia]

I really don't feel like I am. I've spent the evening feeling really anxious and wanting to be anywhere but here. I felt like a weight had been lifted when J arrived but then spent a lot of the time he was here either pretending to be ok, fighting tears or in tears. I'm not dealing well with him doing potential family stuff. It is really hitting me this year that I will only ever get to mark Mother's Day as a daughter and never as a mum and as ridiculous as it sounds, it feels like grieving. I'm tired of fighting today. It's absolutely exhausting and I don't want to have to keep doing it.

[Paula]

It doesn’t sound ridiculous at all, you’ve been give a life changing diagnosis and my heart would be broken too. However....... I was going to say that it’s not the same as you will be (are, actually, but just waiting to meet them and for them to fall in love with you) a stepmum. But actually, I’m not saying that as I know that Katie views Si as her dad in everything but name - he raised her, he held her hair when she was sick, he stayed up all night covering her in calamine lotion when she had horrendous chicken pox, he was there when she failed her driving test, he lent her £500 deposit to get her first car. Even her father knows that, remember the comments he made at her party? You may not give birth, but you will be a parent to those kids. I know that because you will offer them the love, empathy and support that is lacking elsewhere. You already consider their feelings in everything you do. You will take them into your heart just as surely as if you’d been in that delivery room. Being a mum isn’t about labour, it’s about everything that happens after. And you are made for that

[Jaquaia]

That made me cry, though that's not really difficult tonight...

[Paula]

I didn’t mean to make you cry

[Jaquaia]

I'm absolutely terrified that they will hate me for breaking up their family, I'm terrified that he'll decide that having his children all the time is worth ending things with me. I'm scared that I will be absolutely rubbish at it... and I do know I'm overthinking it but it's always at the back of my mind. And I feel like an absolute failure as a woman, I can't even manage what nature intended...

[Paula]

Nature intended for mother’s to love their children. And that’s it. Nothing else is important compared to that

As for whether they’ll blame you? I very much doubt that. kids aren’t stupid and they’ll know that things were wrong for a long time - and not because of you. They’ll also see how happy you make their dad, and they’ll love you for that.