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Thread: I want to smile again for real *TRIGGERS*

  1. #1
    Nick310771
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    I want to smile again for real *TRIGGERS*

    Good morning

    Even logging on here and beginning to put down what I am feeling feels completely self indulgent.
    2 years now I can't shake this thing that was initially diagnosed as stress induced depression. I am lucky that I have private health but question their motives as I don't seem to be getting better. Without boring you all with my history I have realised recently that I just get no joy anymore In anything i do and I don't know how to even begin changing that. I feel guilt 100%of the time and a complete waste of space and time. I really don't know whe to turn. I'm on max pills I can be and was very successful and amazing family etc. I smile and I'm fine to everyone but inside I'm dead almost and feel there's nothing left. I just don't want to leave my kids with the pain of a suicide. I feel completely alone as this disease is so selfish and invisible. I used to be such a fun person with a real desire for life and to live and now every smile is fake every laugh is hollow ...I hate this feeling and don't know where to begin or how to change it...maybe someone here has or is feeling the same ...I apologise in advance because I am very privileged because I was successful at work so don't have the pressures of money worries so there will be so many out the re e in a worse position than me but I'm hoping I may get some help out there. Thank you nick
    Last edited by Jaquaia; 09-04-19 at 12:17 PM. Reason: Trigger warning added as per DWD procedure

  2. #2
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome! I've added a trigger warning as you mention suicide. It's nothing to worry about, it just lets those who it may triggers know not to read it.

    Firstly, depression doesn't discriminate and there isn't always a reason. What we say here is that how you feel is important. If something affects you then it matters. We don't compare here as whatever you're feeling matters just as much as the next person.

    What meds are you on? Are those the first ones you've tried? There are more than 20 registered antidepressants and it isn't a one size fits all kind of thing so is often trial and error I'm afraid. Have you ever had any counselling? Your first step really needs to be going back and speaking to your doctor and being honest about what you're feeling.
    Tên përdu, jhamâi së rëcôbro

  3. #3
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome to DWD. Jaq has asked most of what I was going to!
    Are you eating and drinking OK? What about getting any exercise? Have you thought about trying to find a local support group?
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  4. #4
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome. I understand why you feel you have to apologise - I’ve always had a safe, comfortable life yet have suffered from depression since I was 16 and, like you, felt I had no right to feel this way. Yet being a part of DWD, I have learnt, as Jaq says, that depression can affect anybody, sometimes for no discernible reason. It’s an illness and, like any other illness, can impact anyone.

    Unfortunately, it’s a difficult illness to treat so I’m not surprised you’re not getting better after 2 years. It’s a chronic disease so takes time to get things settled. Sometimes trial and error with medication and other therapies will lead to successful treatment but sometimes it’s more about managing the illness. Just keep engaging with your doctor and keep fighting, its early days yet and you’re doing brilliantly
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  5. #5
    Head Groundskeeper OldMike's Avatar
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    Hi Nick depression can strike anyone sometimes you can find a cause other times there doesn't seem to be cause it just happens, lack of enjoyment in anything and loss of emotions are quite common symptoms. There's no easy answers it just a matter of trying different things till something that works for you is found.
    77 and counting, less of the "Old" call me "Mike"

  6. #6
    Nick310771
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    Thank you all. I'm on duloxetine 120 lithium 120 mirtazipine 45 and methyl folate 15
    I've been seeing pscy and cbt guy for 2 years but the counselling side hasn't helped much beyond initial identifying my fear of failure being a people pleaser and trying to do everything for everyone. It's only really in the past few months that I've noticed I'm just not enjoying anything. I've put on weight despite exercising which is a side effect of the drugs to a certain extent do now 'hate' myself too physically. I will speak to my psychologist again but at every meeting he mentions Cigna and billing them....he makes the psychiatrist in After Life look kosher!

  7. #7
    EJ
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    Hi Nic,
    I’ve been taking lithium and mirtazapine for about twenty years. I have suffered with depression since I was in my teens and I’m now fifty seven. Depressive episodes will come and go and it’s recognising that and seeking help when necessary. You will eventually feel better but it might take a long time. I always felt that I wanted to go back to how I once was before the depression. That is impossible because we are all travelling forward.
    I’m sorry that you are having trouble with your private health insurers. They are meant to be there to help you. OH had private cover which was mostly good. They might not always be available to you ?

  8. #8
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Have you had a meds review recently? Have you told them how you are feeling?
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  9. #9
    Nick310771
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    Sorry I havent been back on here - school holidays have been somewhat testing...
    Med review next week and I am also going to seek a 2nd opinion from a new psychiatrist and therapist
    Thank you once again - EJ1 - nice to know you can live for 20 more years on lithium - I hate it....could you tell me the brand - I am on Priadel and hate swallowing the tablets as they always get stuck - so I know it sounds stupid but I sometimes avoid them as I am so apprehensive about taking them

    Thanks
    Nick

  10. #10
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Nick missing doses of any medication should be avoided. If you are struggling taking them could you talk to your Dr about it?
    Can I ask why you are looking for second opinions?
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


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