I warn you guys in advance, this won't be a pleasant read, and if you feel bad already, please stop reading now. Moderators please move or remove this post if you see it needed.

I lost a relative to suicide this week. We were not close, actually never got along too well because in his opinion my depression was self made condition, and I just always wanted to be center of everyone's attention. Which is weird, because I am an introvert - always been, and don't even want to change that. And... He sexually assaulted me few years ago. So yes, I feel nothing but disgust. Towards him, towards his actions, and towards myself because I never had the courage to tell anyone. Not even Le dude is fully aware of this, and I feel crippling guilt about it. Now the man is dead, blew his head away with a sawed shotgun. His sister has to deal with the aftermath, and asked me if I can help her. I don't want to. What he bloody hell am I supposed to do now? One moment I feel nothing at all, and next moment I feel every single negative emotion I can name. I don't want to help arranging stuff, I don't want to attend the burial, I don't want to bake a cake to serve anyone. I would highest likely lose it and scream blue murder at the grave and ask the devil to come gather his soul. How on earth am I supposed to deal with this? In my culture is not appropriate to say anything negative about the dead. Well I have not even one single nice thing to say anymore. And refusing to help or attend the funeral will be a royal insult to everyone else in family. And doing so against my own will is probably going to make me lose my fragile mental stability. What am I supposed to do....