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Thread: Hello all. *SU trigger*

  1. #1
    Captain Slow
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    Hello all. *SU trigger*

    Hi,

    I'm Sam, I'm 27 and I suffer with mental health related illnesses. At present I am suffering from depression and anxiety, and it's believed by the NHS that I am exhibiting signs of PTSD.

    I've joined because sometimes I feel as if I need more support than I am getting - be it the ability to read about other peoples' issues, advice from those who have been there, or even just the ears of people who don't know me in real life. And I think being here might help that.






    A little about what I have been through in the last couple of years - I don't know what the form is for being open on here, but I don't think that joining is going to do me any good if I can't be completely open here about my past.


    In May 2017 I was involved in a rather nasty car accident, in what was my pride and joy. I am a motoring journalist with a collection of classics, and this was the only one - the only possession - which mattered to me. I was within the speed limit and had right of way, when someone cut across me in an inadequate gap. I braked and tried to steer, but hit her at about 20mph. The impact bent the roof, spun us about 100 degrees, and wrote off my beloved Montego. My then-girlfriend was in the passenger seat and sustained broken bones in her left foot - injuries for which I held myself responsible as I believed that had I not taken evasive action the accident wouldn't have happened in the way it did. Having felt like I had broken my girlfriend and lost an item of serious importance to me in unpleasant circumstances, my mental state declined. This wasn't helped when I discovered that she had been cheating on me with a friend, taking advantage of my mental state to assure me that I was being paranoid, and playing on my mental state for amusement. I never attempted suicide, but I had the 'accident' planned. I tried cognitive behavioural therapy, but it had seemingly little effect. Over time - and with triggers removed - I found myself levelling out and getting better again.

    I wasn't completely clear. Things still had the ability to knock me and put me into dark places, but never as bad, and never with plans of accidents in the night. I was able to cope.


    Fast forward to June 2018. Having worked hard and saved, I'd achieved my boyhood ambition. From the age of seven, I'd wanted a Bentley Turbo R, and I'd finally managed to get myself a Mulsanne Turbo (basically the same thing.) Eight days later, having called the AA out to rectify a failure to start, their patrolman's actions blew the car up with me inside it. For those who understand such things, one cylinder had hydraulically locked through overfuelling, and having removed the plugs the AA patrolman isolated the ignition and asked me to crank the engine. The idea was that it would purge the fuel through the plug holes. But removing the king lead from the distributor is not adequate when there is fuel and fuel vapour about. The fireball stretched approximately 25 feet, and I was in the middle of it. My current partner was watching from about 40 feet away. I now feel guilt for putting her in a position where she had to watch that, and for exposing her to that risk. I am also experiencing flashbacks, anxiety attacks, chest pains from the anxiety attacks, and unpleasant thoughts. I have once again self referred to my local NHS therapy services, and I've been placed on a waiting list for EMDR therapy.

    My girlfriend is also undergoing a depressive episode at present, and I think that in part the above incident is to blame. But she internalises her problems and won't open up. And right now, when I am feeling especially vulnerable and insecure, I am having trouble coping with that. I'm hoping that as well as my own issues, being a part of this group will help me understand the thought processes of those who internalise their mental health worries, and help me understand precisely where she might be even if she doesn't want to tell me herself.




    If anyone's read all that, thank you.
    TLDR: I've got issues and I'm here to try to help myself understand them!

  2. #2
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome. It's not surprising that you're struggling with what you've been through, though didn't understand a word of the car talk have you spoken to your doctor about how you are feeling? They can advise you on other support that may be available to you
    Tên përdu, jhamâi së rëcôbro

  3. #3
    Captain Slow
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    I haven't. I did the first time round, and they told me to look online for the regional IAPT service and self refer. That was it, and that was over a telephone appointment. This time round, because I'd been down that route before I cut my GP out and just self referred straight to the IAPT people. I've had my triage appointment with them, and am now on a waiting list.

    Realistically is my GP able to do anything more for me without resorting to medication? I recognise that antidepressants work and they help a lot of people, but I derive a lot of my internal support from the fact that at least the emotions I am feeling are ME, rather than a chemically controlled version of me. And I don't want to compromise that in case NOT being able to remind myself of that were to get to me.


    I'm keeping track of myself with the PHQ9 and GAD7 tests online, as well as the IES-R. Because these are what the IAPT people have used to assess me, I'm using them to make sure I'm aware of any changes in my mental state between my triage appointment and my eventual counselling appointments. I'm getting slightly worse, but not to the point where I'm worrying about where I am if that's clear? I'm showing as "moderate" for anxiety and depression alike.

  4. #4
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    They would probably just offer medication or counselling if I'm honest, it depends on how good your doctor is. You could always try contacting your local MIND, they often run groups, and check if there is a recovery college in your area, they run courses to help too. A lot of people find mindfulness and meditation helps
    Tên përdu, jhamâi së rëcôbro

  5. #5
    Captain Slow
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    I have a good practice for the physical side of things - I had an anxiety attack which gave me chest pains and I have a male line history of heart issues in the family, so I was in for an ECG within hours. They've also been good with my psoriasis (On top of the rest, I have an autoimmune condition that makes my body resemble puff pastry unless I take drugs to compromise my immune system). But I don't know how good they would be with mental issues.

  6. #6
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    Tell me about it! I have PCOS and rheumatoid arthritis on top. Some symptoms really affect my self-esteem and if I have a flare up, the pain affects my mental state too. I'm lucky and my gp is really good with both physical and mental health. He got me seen by the home treatment team.

    You could ask if there is a gp with an interest in mental health that you can see?
    Tên përdu, jhamâi së rëcôbro

  7. #7
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome. I agree with Jaq, anyone would be traumatised by what happened - particularly the car on fire, that must have been horrific! But your guilt ...... you were not at fault for the first accident and you were definitely not at fault for the fire. I do understand that sort of guilt as a fall a few years ago has led to me being disabled and has had a huge impact on my family. It’s taking time but I am slowly coming to realise that it was an accident, these things happen and it was no one’s fault - it’s life and, in life, happens.
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  8. #8
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Hi Sam! I've added the trigger warning as you requested Thank you for that!

    My husband is a petrol head too and he's worked on many old classics specialising in Aston Martin, Ferrari etc I said to him what happened to you and he asked was the car damaged as he wants to know what caused it to hydraulically lock! He asks, was the car engulfed in flames?

    I agree, both those incidents are horrific! I've noticed that you think that both things you feel responsible for... Sounds to me like neither is your "fault" at all...

    I get the psoriasis issue as I have a list of physical diagnoses too, so can empathise hugely x
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  9. #9
    Captain Slow
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    Quote Originally Posted by Suzi View Post
    My husband is a petrol head too and he's worked on many old classics specialising in Aston Martin, Ferrari etc I said to him what happened to you and he asked was the car damaged as he wants to know what caused it to hydraulically lock!
    Solex 4A1 carbs are known for warping at the first sign of warmth apparently, and I've subsequently found out carburetted Bentley Turbos are prone to plenum chamber fires as a result. I think an afternoon sat on top of a multistorey in the heat led to a warped carb. I think it was flooding from the first second I cranked, and thus wouldn't fire. Eventually one cylinder filled and it locked. But this is all conjecture - given that this is all that survived.



    Quote Originally Posted by Suzi View Post
    He asks, was the car engulfed in flames?

    I'm doing these as hyperlinks as they aren't for the faint hearted. Don't look if you're easily shocked.

    A photograph captured at the split second it went up by a friend photographing the repair procedure on a burst mode for me

    CCTV from about half a second later.


    In both, I'm still in there. This was the second attempt at purging fuel. The first time, fuel sprayed everywhere so I got my girlfriend out of the car and made her stand in fresh open air on the next level. I also feel guilt that the situation could have resulted in her death or injury were it not for fate, and that ultimately it's a situation she wouldn't have been in were it not for me. If a spark had caught the first time, it wouldn't just have been me in there.








    I also feel guilt for the fact that there were things I couldn't save. As well as my girlfriend's bag and possessions, as well as my own stuff (mostly replaceable and replaced) there were 3 big items of sentiment that were lost.
    1: The jacket I was wearing when she and I first saw each other across a railway station.
    2: A lapel pin she got me for our first Christmas.
    3: In my passport in my pocket, I kept a note she had written me on our second date.

    I feel bad there because I know I had time to save them. I didn't because she shouted it wasn't worth it, and I didn't want to put her through watching me dive into the blazing car. But these are things that my decision meant were lost forever, as a result of a situation that wouldn't have happened had I not chosen to take the Bentley that day.

  10. #10
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    I've manually approved your post as we don't normally allow hyperlinks for newbie posters - but I think these need to stay to fully have a grasp at what you went through.
    They look horrific and actually made me choke up as I saw them - I am so glad you got out. How you got out safely though I'll never know...
    I understand why you're feeling guilty for not getting the other few things out of the car, but blimey, you got your GF out and you got YOU out. You did brilliantly.

    For the record when I was really concerned about driving (and the possibility of scratching/crashing) Marc's pride and joy (BMW 325ise) he once told me that it didn't matter what happened to anything as long as the soft and squishy peopley bits are saved and OK. He's right and I've never forgotten it.... You did well love.
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  11. The Following User Says Thank You to Suzi For This Useful Post:

    Paula (05-09-18)

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