Loneliness *SU Trigger*

[Paula]

I do feel strugglingmum is a good name for me as I find parenting the hardest thing to keep working at and being a mum is the thing that has crumbled a lot since my illness. I do struggle to keep being mum. When the darkness sweeps over me I'm not a very good mum. It takes every ounce of fight to stay on my 2 feet and still be here for them.

Yet this is the perfect description of being a great mum. Despite everything, you’re going through, you put your children and their well-being first. Despite struggling so much, all that matters to you is that they’re ok. Don’t underestimate what you’re doing for them, lovely

[Suzi]

I can't agree enough with what has been said. I don't think you'll ever find a "good mum" who thinks they're a "good mum!" Every Mum I know can write a list as long as you like about their weaknesses or "failings", but ask them to write a list of the things they do well? It's a very different story and that's without the chronic illness guilt..........

[magie06]

There was a video doing the rounds recently about mum's and how they described their parenting skills. It was heartbreaking to watch it. But then they interviewed the children and the same question was asked. What's the best thing about mum? The answers were so lovely I was blubbering for ages. NONE of the kids saw the struggles, they ALL only saw the LOVE. It was a real eye opener.
We all struggle, but I think we all win in our children's eyes. Maybe we should listen to them a little bit more.

[Suzi]

I can't agree more with Magie. Listen to your children. Sometimes it's best to ask them how they feel - there's nothing more honest than children.
I told mine that I felt guilty because I hadn't done xyz with them and they told me that they had the best thing in the world and that was hugs whenever they wanted them. Yes I proudly admit I sobbed for hours.....
Talk to them.

[Strugglingmum]

Unfortunately my daughter has a very similar view to me.
I broke her world, her security, her foundation. Everything crumbled when I fell apart.
My hugs are unwanted and refused as is any physical contact. She has other people in her world she loves enough to hug, not many, but some.
Hence her journey with CAMHs.
However. I know that in her way it is a defence from being hurt again, she just doesn't realise the damage she is doing to her own life by closing it down so much, trusting no-one letting no-one in.
Although it hurts like hell I let her know I love her and want to show her I love her. Refusal hurts but I need to leave the way open to her.
I remain hopeful that some day I will prove to her that she can rely on me again.
I guess knowing your mum tried to leave you by attempting suicide is a bitter pill to swallow but I cannot change that fact. We both have to move on.

[magie06]

It's difficult to rebuild trust. That's what's missing, and it can be rebuilt, it just takes time. You will get there.

[Suzi]

Have you thought about writing her a letter and telling her how you feel and how much you love her?

[Paula]

Magie’s right, you will get there. She’s not quite as extreme but my youngest regularly rejects me. I was looking through some things just now and found a thread I entitled ‘Jess, again’, which speaks volumes. She hates that I have mental and physical disabilities and blames me. It’s so, so hard to deal with, especially when she tells me that we ‘just don’t like each other’ and have nothing in common. All I can do is make sure she knows I love her and hope she will come around in time. What I don’t accept, though, and neither should you is her being rude and disrespectful. I’ve raised her, given her a nice home and a good, loving family life. I’m there for everything she needs me for, whether she likes it or not.For that, I deserve her respect. And so do you

[Strugglingmum]

Have you thought about writing her a letter and telling her how you feel and how much you love her?

I have Suzi.
I wrote her one last year.
She refuses to talk to me about it. In her head she says the right thing.... I know its not your fault you got sick mum......I know you love me..... I don't blame you but her actions say the opposite.
Just recently she made a comment which shows we might be making headway,
She said ....I just had to grow up too quickly.
It's the first time she has openly admitted my illness has affected her.
I know we will get there eventually.

[Suzi]

If ever she wants to talk she'd be welcome to create an account here and she can use the under 18's section.