Hi everybody, I'm new here and struggling with some stuff. This is probably gonna end up as a huge post, so I apologize in advance. And also, I'm not a native English speaker so have mercy on my skills

Anyway, I'm now 30 years old and I never was a particularly happy person. Not even as a child, and especially in my teens. But honestly I never saw that as a problem, I kinda thought that was normal.

Truth to be told, I hadn't have the greatest childhood: when I was 4 a wore was raging in my country, my dad died then and my mom and I fled. After 6 years we moved back. The war was over, but the country was (and still is) a mess. So we struggled financially as a family and so did I when I moved out.

I had a lot of jobs, non that I liked particularly - well, most of them I hated - but I needed the money. My free time I spent going out and drinking a lot (which I thought was normal then, now I'm not so sure about it). As the years passed by I just felt worse and worse about it all. My life was boring, it had no meaning to me what so ever and I just kept going because... You know, the only out wasn't an option because it would devastate my mom.

And I also had some hope that at one point all of a sudden something would change for the better and everything would fall into place and it'll be great. Well, now I'm 30 and that hope is kinda gone.

The thing is, I have no idea what could happen to make me feel better. In the meantime I got married and I love my husband very much. We moved to another country and I earn good money here.

But I still hate my job (and I literally have no idea what I would like to do - whichever job I can think of would make me sick after a while) and my life is so repetitive and boring. Everyday I go to work, I'm just counting the hours until I'm home and when I'm home I don't know what to do with myself. Going out isn't as fun as it used to be and I don't really have other stuff that I enjoy (like drawing, reading...).

So is this depression? Or am I just like that?