Hey guys, I’m new to this forum and forums in general for this type of thing.
I’ll be honest with you, I know it’s a self profecy but I’m not expecting much after 14 long years of a depression cycle. That being said I’m desperate to reconnect with life and the people around me so I will give it my all.

So here it is...
I struggle to get out of bed every day. Most days I don’t and my friends that I’ve managed to cling on to have become accustomed to calling me a hermit. It’s a laugh to them, it’s banter... to me it ing hurts to the core. It’s a reminder every time I talk to them that I’m not doing well at this life thingy majig.
I have a job at a recruitment agency, I used to be a recruiter but the pressure got to me and i crumbled like a warm apple pie. Thankfully the boss has a ton of patience for me but not for depression (he thinks it’s a millennial problem), so I’ve built up lies about stomach problems to keep my job.

I live with my girlfriend and her parents... which I am so ashamed about... I’m 28. They put up with me but make sure to let me know I’m a waste of space. My girlfriend is such a wonderful person and I feel guilty for dragging her down with me. She’s ambitious, motivated and positive and I struggle to keep up. We’ve had several talks over the years (been together 5 yrs) about breaking up. I start them, because I love her so much and she deserves better than me. For some crazy reason she’s still here.

I lost my dad to cancer in 2014, my mums a Facebook mum at best and I don’t see my siblings much at all, they’re as ed up as me with their own problems.

I smoke weed, and I’m trying to quit. I love smoking to be honest but I’m determined to eliminate any depression triggers in my life. But it’s so hard, it’s my safe place when the roar in my head gets too loud.
I’m on mirtazapine (anti depressants), but it’s obviously not working. The weed is a coping strategy that doesn’t really work in the long run, but it’s better than self harm. My arms are covered in scars from my first introduction to depression in my teens.

I need things to change, I honestly fear that if this goes on I won’t see 30. I guess it’s a good thing I still have fight in me but we’re on round 12, I’m knackered and I just want it to be over one way or another.

I feel trapped, I can’t go out and function because it seems an insurmountable task every day yet I beat myself up for my apathy. This in turn adds to the pressure. It’s a vicious cycle.

Please help me