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Thread: Is this forever? 25 years in... **SU+AB Triggers**

  1. #1

    Is this forever? 25 years in... **SU+AB Triggers**

    Hi everyone - I'm brand new to this forum and looking for others who can understand, share and support. Love to you all with the invisible hurt.

    I'm in a really bad patch right now and really unravelling. For me depression started memorably when I was around 16 I think. I'm 40 now. If someone had told me then what was to come and that I'd still be struggling, unwell and alone at this age, I have to admit I may not have stuck around.

    It's been an ongoing battle. The ups are more based on distraction and engagement (like new jobs, trips etc), but truly non-depressed times are rare. You might identify with that feeling when you get a glimpse of 'you' and suddenly realise you have been in a pit the rest of the time. It has become so normal that it's not until these glimpse moments happen you realise what being well really feels like. I find these very difficult to hold on to.

    I have an NPD mother so am a sufferer of emotional neglect and abuse. As a result of her (and his own mum) my father was pretty subdued, depressed and absent. My home and school (sent away) were remote, so it wasn't until I was 19 that I really interacted with the world and by then I was pretty scarred. It took me until I was 36 to discover/recognise the real root of my mental health problems.

    It's been a roller-coaster of disconnected attempts at living and relationships. Now I can see why I find it so hard to relate to people and have been in Psychotherapy for over three years. I have a failed career and have just left another relationship ('this time it's different', but no, he is less well than me, and what is a deep connection is also a damaging one so it had to end). I'm damaged. Last year my father died after a long and drawn out illness that ended in a terrible way. All in all I feel like I am grieving my dad, but also my mum as I have discovered that she is and always has been absent as a parent. I've gone very low contact since dad died.

    I'm exhausted. My anxiety is sky high. I feel alone and hopeless and with no attachments or anywhere to go. Just writing this is making me worse as I should be working and the shame and guilt of every day are wearing me down. I mention above of the invisible disease. So few people in my life understand or even know what is up. I tell my boss regularly that I am struggling and despite being an understanding sort, I feel I have to keep raising it as he you can't see depression every day. I think everyone sees me and thinks I am fine. The old classic - 'oh I thought she was unwell, seems fine to me'. Underneath it all I am a vivacious character with a lot of energy for life. I'm also a master actor and pro at keeping it all shiny for others to see... I mean how else do you interact. I'm not ugly and to others I might seem confident. I guess I am naturally confident, but the depression sh1ts on that a lot of the time. So those things make it harder for ppl to understand.


    There are two states - 1. havnet got the energy to keep up the pretence, so make excuse and cancel plans. 2. pretend everything is fine and keep going.

    Only one of my friends has ever asked me 'how is your health' - and that was last week, we've known each other for 12 years. It meant a lot that she did. If it was something physical like cancer, or emotional like a divorce, you wouldn't think twice about saying to a friend 'how are you doing, is there anything I can do, lets all get together'. But the nature of the beast is to shut everyone out and be seemingly 'capable' and therefore not ask for help. So no one does.

    Despite the blinding sun right now, it's hard to see the positives. Actually the good weather just stresses me out more as I am not in it doing lovely sunny stuff! I am a big believer in 'do it anyway, even if no one to do it with' and I keep doing this, but each time I take off to swim in a river or camp on the moors, I'm in such a bad place it just sucks all the joy from it. Life behind the glass wall.

    Well thanks guys for listening. I am at a loss as to how to go on sometimes. Very hard to see how to leave the solitary prison I'm stuck in. Sick of my own gloomy outlook. Any tips for kicking butt once and for all, or do I need to just live with this forever?

  2. #2
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome to DWD.
    Nothing to worry about, but I've added the trigger warnings for suicide and abuse as you mention both those things and it's better for the members if they can avoid topics which may be triggering to their own health.

    You do sound so low. I lost my father almost 10 years ago now and I still miss him and wish I could talk to him every day. It does get easier, but have you had specific bereavement counselling? CRUSE are brilliant if it helps?

    I know you're having psychotherapy - which my husband has just finished a year of and which has helped him see things that he hadn't seen before about himself and his environments... Are you on any medication? Do you have a good support network around you?

  3. #3
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome . I was 16 when I had my first breakdown, Iím 44 now so I understand how that feels. I try to tell myself that Iíve got through this far and have learnt so much about my illness and about myself.

    Iím sorry about your dad and for your relationship split. Theyíre two very difficult events to have to deal with
    Come on everybody, join in the QUIZ, I need the competition!

  4. #4
    Moderator OldMike's Avatar
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    Hi Nomad, I was in my mid 40's when I had a breakdown and since then I've struggled at times but with medication I'm more or less back on track.

    Bereavement counselling is a great help in getting over the loss of someone close. suffering abuse and neglect from your mother must've really taken its toll. I see you're in psychotherapy which hopefully is enabling you to come to terms with what happened in the past.
    71 and counting, less of the "Old" call me "Mike"
    ~~~ Please check out the latest QUIZ (Fun and Games > Quiz) I'm sure you'll find it fun. ~~~

  5. #5
    Hello, welcome, and a virtual high five for sharing with us, even it hurts it still somehow helps. At least I feel that way when I pour out my emotional mess in a post, and People here actually get it what it is to feel this way. I am struggling as well right now, and have no energy to write a proper answer since I have no computer, and doing this on a cellphone is agravating. But I want to say.. Telling people in here your story may really be a game changer. It was for me, and probably to many other forum user as well. This place is like a safety net, it sort of grabbed me too when I was spiraling down. Even people around me are supportive, none of them are battling their own head ever day like I am. I really hope we can offer you the same support I found here. We try to help you, if you let us in your world.

  6. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Sissy For This Useful Post:

    OldMike (24-07-18),Paula (24-07-18),Suzi (24-07-18)

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