Hi everyone - I'm brand new to this forum and looking for others who can understand, share and support. Love to you all with the invisible hurt.

I'm in a really bad patch right now and really unravelling. For me depression started memorably when I was around 16 I think. I'm 40 now. If someone had told me then what was to come and that I'd still be struggling, unwell and alone at this age, I have to admit I may not have stuck around.

It's been an ongoing battle. The ups are more based on distraction and engagement (like new jobs, trips etc), but truly non-depressed times are rare. You might identify with that feeling when you get a glimpse of 'you' and suddenly realise you have been in a pit the rest of the time. It has become so normal that it's not until these glimpse moments happen you realise what being well really feels like. I find these very difficult to hold on to.

I have an NPD mother so am a sufferer of emotional neglect and abuse. As a result of her (and his own mum) my father was pretty subdued, depressed and absent. My home and school (sent away) were remote, so it wasn't until I was 19 that I really interacted with the world and by then I was pretty scarred. It took me until I was 36 to discover/recognise the real root of my mental health problems.

It's been a roller-coaster of disconnected attempts at living and relationships. Now I can see why I find it so hard to relate to people and have been in Psychotherapy for over three years. I have a failed career and have just left another relationship ('this time it's different', but no, he is less well than me, and what is a deep connection is also a damaging one so it had to end). I'm damaged. Last year my father died after a long and drawn out illness that ended in a terrible way. All in all I feel like I am grieving my dad, but also my mum as I have discovered that she is and always has been absent as a parent. I've gone very low contact since dad died.

I'm exhausted. My anxiety is sky high. I feel alone and hopeless and with no attachments or anywhere to go. Just writing this is making me worse as I should be working and the shame and guilt of every day are wearing me down. I mention above of the invisible disease. So few people in my life understand or even know what is up. I tell my boss regularly that I am struggling and despite being an understanding sort, I feel I have to keep raising it as he you can't see depression every day. I think everyone sees me and thinks I am fine. The old classic - 'oh I thought she was unwell, seems fine to me'. Underneath it all I am a vivacious character with a lot of energy for life. I'm also a master actor and pro at keeping it all shiny for others to see... I mean how else do you interact. I'm not ugly and to others I might seem confident. I guess I am naturally confident, but the depression sh1ts on that a lot of the time. So those things make it harder for ppl to understand.


There are two states - 1. havnet got the energy to keep up the pretence, so make excuse and cancel plans. 2. pretend everything is fine and keep going.

Only one of my friends has ever asked me 'how is your health' - and that was last week, we've known each other for 12 years. It meant a lot that she did. If it was something physical like cancer, or emotional like a divorce, you wouldn't think twice about saying to a friend 'how are you doing, is there anything I can do, lets all get together'. But the nature of the beast is to shut everyone out and be seemingly 'capable' and therefore not ask for help. So no one does.

Despite the blinding sun right now, it's hard to see the positives. Actually the good weather just stresses me out more as I am not in it doing lovely sunny stuff! I am a big believer in 'do it anyway, even if no one to do it with' and I keep doing this, but each time I take off to swim in a river or camp on the moors, I'm in such a bad place it just sucks all the joy from it. Life behind the glass wall.

Well thanks guys for listening. I am at a loss as to how to go on sometimes. Very hard to see how to leave the solitary prison I'm stuck in. Sick of my own gloomy outlook. Any tips for kicking butt once and for all, or do I need to just live with this forever?