Hello

Im not sure if anyone is going to read this or even be interested.

I'm not sure if Im doing the right thing. I'm not sure if this will help, but Im feeling pretty desperate so thought Id give it a shot.

Thanks for taking the time to read, if you choose to.

I'll try and bullet point so that its not boring.

Life history in a nutshell.

[LIST][*]Grew up in a big very supportive family. Lots of love but lots of arguments and violence (sounds odd I know).
[*]Ginger, shy kid, got badly bullied at school and had to move schools, never really trusted friends after that
[*]Despite expectations, turned out to be quite pretty, and not a total dumbo, so plan was to work hard and be ambitious but confidence has always been cripplingly low. Not outwardly but inwardly. I strive to achieve. I get jobs and then ruin them by telling myself I'm useless.
[*]Then periods started, diagnosed very early with endometriosis
[*]Experienced severe pain, countless ops, years of painkillers. It almost ruined uni. Created serious problems with work, relationships and friends because of my constant absence or associated depression.
[*]Because it almost ruined uni, I came out with a crappy mark and even lower confidence in abilities but worked super hard and eventually got a really well paid job. The company grew exponentially, as did my workload but not my team. Worked 7 days a week for 4 years solid (with a few breaks here and there).
[*]At the same time, I got pelvic tuberculosis following routine op for my endometriosis. Was told if I didn't have kids within the year, Id never have them.
[*]Pressures from my parents to get married before having kids, meant I married the guy I was with but he had drug induced psychosis. I was 26. We divorced after 2 years with no children because I didn't want them with someone aggressive.
[*]Back at work - I couldn't cope with my boss and the immense pressure and had a proper clinical breakdown. Fainting in public places. Couldn't leave the house. I needed help. I was doing 4 people's jobs. Work refused to give me extra staff for 3 months, but eventually gave me one additional part timer. I returned to work on meds and seeing a psychiatrist for work related anxiety, I stayed for another 3 years.
[*]Boss was still applying pressure. Telling me if I didn't have children he would make me a director but at the same time telling me I was useless and was going to get rid of me to get someone else in. I left the job to do a masters.
[*]During the masters my endo was so bad, I couldn't get of bed to even go to exams. I tried so hard but it was a real struggle. New subject and a bad choice of uni.
[*]Reaching my early 30s, Id been with my new BF for 3.5 years. He told me he never wanted kids after telling me at the start he did. I was heartbroken. We split and I was effectively homeless for the last 6 months of my Masters. Sleeping on sofas and moving back in with my parents.
[*]Two years later I got back with my BF and we got pregnant. After 3 months, I miscarried at home. BF was sleeping or in a another room the whole time. It lasted 48 hours.
[*]Roughly the same time, a friend who used to work for me at my old job took his own life, partly because of work related stress. I was heartbroken that id left him in that evil mess.
[*]From this point forward I have no feelings. I sway from being completely empty and numb, to being desperately sad.
[*] My partner and I agree to try to having a baby again and to be give him credit, he grew up a lot. I miscarry a further two times.
[*]My whole family have children. Im the only one who hasn't. This hurts so much but I can't show it. My sister's son loves me so much. He wants to be in my arms the whole time. I don't know why. But my sister gets jealous about the attention he gives me so Ive been avoiding going. I tried bringing it up, say sorry and ask why it upset her and she told me off for being weird.
[*]I have no real career to speak of after leaving my job and screwing up my masters. I've no focus. No passion. Ive no children. Money is really strapped because Im not bringing in enough. I recently went completely grey. Ive put on about 2 stone in 2 years. I feel old and unattractive.
[*]I fell out with all my family because Im really snippy and sensitive.
[*]Ive pushed all my fiends away - never really let them get close in the first place so there not much to lose.
[*]Ive been trying to go running to lose weight and have a focus. I hear it helps.
[*]I have a dog - he's literally amazing and probably the only reason Im still alive.

Phew, that was long.

If you managed to get to the end. Thanks

I need advice. Please can anyone help?!