Hey everyone, hope you're all well. I've just hit such a brick wall this past while. Completely stuck in a rut.

I started having symptoms of social anxiety in my late teens. I lost a lot of friends because of it. I couldn't tell people how i felt and truth be told I thought what I was feeling was normal. It was only when I got a bit older, say 25ish when I properly looked into it. As the years when by, i got anxiety about everything not just social. Everything and anything.

I've struggled alot with my appearance. I was overweight and I thought the route cause of i was feeling was my weight. In a way it was a good thing because I kept telling myself that i would be happy once I lost weight. So it was like I was in control. Anyways, my anxiety over the years got worse it affected everything. I was in a job which I didn't really like, it was OK and decent paid. The anxiety around my job was intense. For 8 hours a day everyday I felt sick anxious etc. I thought again once I got a new job I'd be happy. So I took matters into my own hands. I lost a shed load of weight and got a new job. I also went back to college to study for a career in a field that I would love to work in. I really thought it would be a turning point for me but it just made myself worse. After losing weight i realised It didn't make me happy. The new job has been a step down for me and I don't particularly enjoy it. I finished my course but have no intention or even motivation to do anything with it.

Since last year my mood has just been awful. I don't experience anything other than anxiety and depression. At first I thought I only had anxiety but it developed into depression too which I didn't realise. The past 9 months have just been exhausting. Nothing motivates or excites me anymore. I don't feel any hope for the future. I describe it as an umbrella over me. I feel lonely. I feel like I'm watching the world from outside. All I see is my friends and family enjoying life and I just feel either sadness, anxiety or numb.

I have struggled with confidence issues my whole life. Part of my anxiety is regarding rejection and abandonment. I never feel like I am good enough. I always feel like I'm waiting for people to get bored of me or waiting for them to leave. I had a relationship last year. It was only shorticulture about 6 months. It was awful. Constant anxiety that they were gonna leave that they were talking to someone better. If I didn't hear from them in a few days I was so anxious and depressed. It really took it out of my emotionally. I couldn't enjoy it because of how I felt.

Over the years I've had a few medications. I was prwscribed fluoxetine which made me feel spaced out. I didn't feel anything. I was also put on citalopram which messed me up. It made me feel the worst I've ever felt. I've been to counselling too. Last year I paid for it myself and went everyweek. It was good to talk to someone but It didn't help me. My counsellor was more hollostic who just kept saying 'be positive'.

From Christmas this is the lowest I've been. Any other time I have managed to crawl myself out. But this time I feel like I'm drowning. People are starting to notice. My friends and family are commenting on my mood swings. I don't enjoy spending time with them. All I do is go to work and come home. I don't have the motivation to do anything else. I have become a hermit. Rarely leave the house when I'm off. I'm cowing 30 I should be out enjoying life but instead i count down the hours until I can go to sleep.

I just don't know who I am anymore. There's no joy. There's just nothing. I feel broken. Instead of living I'm existing. I have looked into natural ways to help such as supplements and vitamins. I really don't want to go down the route of anti depressants because I've have had 2 already and they just made me feel worse. There's just no spark left and I don't know what to do.