boyfriends depression breaking my heart SU trigger

[Suzi]

Can I be blunt? I may upset/offend, but I don't mean to...

Do you not think that this should be something the two of you work out? It's just you seem to have lots of involvement from your parents, his mate, this girl, facebook etc. Everyone has their own agenda, and actually part of dealing with this is standing up and actually dealing with it - just the two of you.

He doesn't want you to go away with him, he doesn't want you to go to the drs...
This is all very well and you have to respect those wishes, but he's lied to you, he's made up that a friend was having suicidal thoughts when he wasn't and he was in the same place at the same time as a girl..... Your Mum has contacted the girl - you know as well as I do that she's now been in contact with him telling him that you don't trust him. Whilst he's away your Dad is effectively spying on him and reporting back to you too.... None of this paints you as anything but paranoid...

The thing is a lot of this isn't depression. You don't deliberately do things to upset and hurt the person you claim to love. You don't say to them that you have lost your phone when actually you've just been out getting pi$$ed... You don't lie about someone having suicidal thoughts just so you can go out on the pi$$.

But then you shouldn't have been checking his phone, you shouldn't have kept on about going with him or going to the drs with him...

This just doesn't seem healthy on either side right now. Do you see what I mean?

[Suzi]

How are things?

[Hereforyou]

So things are a bit uneasy at the moment... After all of the revelations this weekend I am not too sure what's happening now...

So to recap.. My partner went out last week Friday (May 4th) when he made up that monumental lie about his friend so that he could go out drinking as so that I wouldn't moan at him for drinking.. We argued about it and I told him that he crossed a line lying and crossed and even bigger line by not contacting me so I wouldn't worry.. I thought that was it..

Then on Friday (11th May) we had an argument in the morning because I went on and on about going to the doctors with him (yes I know he had mentioned it before but I wanted to try to make him see it wasn't about holding his hand more about me asking questions myself) .. Despite trying to apologise and move on he turned nasty (as he normally does when he feels pushed too far) .. He then didn't go to the doctors appointment after work and didn't come home until 230am .. With no message or call to let me know he was going straight out or that he was okay.. When he finally did come home he had lost his phone somewhere (doesn't know where) and said he had fallen asleep on the train countless times so that's why he was so late.. I told him he needed to think about our relationship and what he was doing to it and me by being so unfair and letting me worry like mad only a week after asking him not to do that..

I woke him up early in the morning to go to paintball and told him he needs to think long and hard about what he's doing...

Whilst at paintball my dad saw that he seemed okay.. Didn't seem like he was anxious or down.. Was capable of having a laugh/joke etc... The entire day my dad also noticed that he had used several different people's phones to try to call the bar where he thought he had left his phone.. This upset my dad as he felt like he should have been more concerned with me being upset and should have tried to contact me..

Saturday evening my dad called me and told me about my partner calling the bar several times and seeming like he was talking to someone (again my dad was upset about this) .. I then put 2 and 2 together and realised that the bar my partner was in was the same bar as the girl he had made me feel so insecure about was also in.. I saw red at this stage.. I completely felt like he was up to something with her and felt like there was more to their communication then her just serving him food in the cafe..

At that point I threw some pictures of us around and packed his stuff to leave..

In the morning my dad tried to tell my partner that he needed to go home as I was in a bad way and I was really upset and angry.. My dad however did not tell him why just told him that I was upset about something as I wanted to confront him with what I saw myself.. My partner said he didn't want to go as he didn't want to let the team down.. This then made me feel even worse..

After some time I felt heartbroken and distraught.. Thinking that my partner had either cheated on me or had every intention to as he may have liked this girl..

At that point my mum messaged the girl.. At first it was a simple message which she blocked straight away and then went on to block me so I couldn't contact her (despite me not contacting her anyway) .. Eventually she unblocked my mum and my mum asked her out right..

She told my mum that nothing had ever happened between her and my partner and explained she had a child and a partner and was happy.. She went on to tell my mum how my partner had told her he was depressed and how he wasn't happy and hadn't been since December (something he has always said to me) .. She then went on to say how he had also told her he wasn't in love with me anymore and how he wasn't happy with me anymore.. Apparently she had told him to try and be happy and try to love me again because he once did.. She had also said my partner had called her pretty but had never flirted with her and always told the girls and her that he has a girlfriend.. She said he told her during his lunch breaks when he would come to her cafe and how he told her first in March (when he first realised he was depressed) and again about a month ago..

I was absolutely gutted.. He had never told me that he doesn't love me anymore.. Only that he didn't know if he did because he didn't feel anything and that he wasn't sure if he knew he loved me because he does or because he did... I even asked if he still loves me and said it's okay if he didn't..

[Hereforyou]

When he came home I confronted him with it.. He told me he never told her that he didn't love me anymore and only told her he was depressed because everyone had started to notice he had changed and saw the cuts on his arms..

I asked why he called her pretty and if he fancies her and he told me he didn't but he said it when she was upset because of an argument with her boyfriend and he said it to make her feel better.. That annoyed me more because I asked why he couldn't do the same for me when I was upset and he said he didn't know...

He said he wasn't fine at paintball and said he had a a panic attack and then when he heard about me he went and sat on his own and cried when he begun over thinking things... My brother told him it was something to do with him with coming home so he started to over think that I was thinking he was cheating...

I asked him to leave and he begun packing everything saying how he would leave anyway.. Lots of things were said including things neither of us meant..

Eventually after the anger subsided he sat down and begun crying because he realised he messed everything up and felt really bad.. He cried saying he didn't want to lose me and didn't want to split up.. How he doesn't know why he lied and how he isn't thinking straight.. He sobbed saying he felt lost and broken and how he knows he's been treating me badly.. He said again about going to his mum's to "level himself out" and I gave him a choice of either staying, a break or ending our relationship.. He kept saying he didn't know what to do or what he was doing with his life.. He just doesn't feel anything apart from anger and misery.. He feels like the depression is and has gotten worse and he wants to take the easy way out...

He sobbed in my arms like a little boy when he explained how lost and broken he felt and how he knew he wasn't acting like himself.. He told me he would never cheat on me and when I asked him why he lied he said he knew I would be upset and I said it was because he knew what he was doing was wrong by being there with her and lying to me everytime I asked if they were close..

He said he feels like he's let me down and I told him that depression isn't making him act like an idiot.. He is.. He said he has an "F" it attitude and has had one since last Friday (4th) and that's when he started wanting space again..

Again I asked him several times to just go to his mum's.. He told me how i apparently really wanted him to go and I just said that's what he wants and he kept saying perhaps he didnt want to.. Eventually he decided that he wanted to stay with me rather than go to his mum's..

I told him I no longer trust him and that he needs to take responsibility for the reason why and he needs to stop blaming depression for acting selfish and irrational.. He said he doesn't think things through before he does them and then realises in the end..

He said he feels guilty and now feels even more depressed.. He didn't do particularly well to comfort me when I was sad which makes it all the more upsetting that he could comfort her when she was.. I asked if it was because he didn't want to say lies but then he said he didn't know why he couldn't or didn't comfort me..

Even when I asked him why he wants to stay together he said because he knew we were happy and if in 6 months he could have anything it would be that the depression is better and we are together happy.. He said he wants everything with me (kids, marriage, a house etc) and didn't want to lose me..

Quite frankly it has been an awful couple of days.. I've felt betrayed.. Heartbroken.. Hurt.. Lied to and mugged off.. But I still love this man more than anything.. Perhaps you're going to tell me I am an idiot for believing what he's saying.. Perhaps you're even going to tell me our relationship doesn't sound healthy.. But it was never like this.. He was never like this and neither was I..

Perhaps our relationship is doomed to fail because of depression.. But I want to try and support him.. I still love him and I am still hoping he loves me too.. Deep down I am still hoping that he loves me the same as he once did..

[Suzi]

It does sound like a horrid few days, but you sound really determined to make it work and I hope it does for you!

[Hereforyou]

It has been awful Suzi.. I felt every emotion possible and I didn't know what to do.. Saturday I was determined our relationship was over.. Sunday morning I was also determined it was over.. Then I started to wonder if there was any hope we could save it and after spending Sunday evening and all day yesterday talking I realise still I love this guy so much..

I don't know if he loves me.. And I don't know if his story is true.. Or even if the depression will ever get better.. But I still feel like I have a fight left in me.. I just hope I am making the right decision and that we can get our happy ending together like we both want...

[Paula]

So there’s no evidence, only hearsay, that he’s been cheating on you?

[Hereforyou]

Apart from the fact that they were in the same pub together and that he told her (and others) about his depression.. There's no evidence at all...

[Paula]

So both of you had a horrible time and are completely miserable because you doubted whether he was loyal to you? Perhaps you need to be a bit kinder and more forgiving of each other

[Hereforyou]

Well no not because I doubted his loyalty because he made up an incredibly elaborate story the week before that wasn't remotely true.. Because he had started to be horrible and nasty to me and because he kept on neglecting to communicate with me when he was going out leaving me at home worrying and being in a bar with someone I blatantly told him I am uncomfortable and insecure about because he made out something was going on.