boyfriends depression breaking my heart SU trigger

[Hereforyou]

We do.. We've spent the last week with him being angry and irritable without so much as a reaction as we are doing our best to accept things..

I am not implying he's not trying at all.. I am simply trying to reinforce to him that he's not completely lost or a lost cause.. I am trying my best to make him feel better.. I've never ever said to him to pull himself together.. I simply meant in the sense that for a whole week he couldn't feel anything aside from anger and that meant he couldn't laugh or smile whereas yesterday he didn't feel anger so felt like he could.laugh or smile so surely it's progress..

To be honest then I am even more lost on what I should or shouldn't say.. He opens up to me and tells me he's feelikng crappy and he's a lost cause so naturally I try to make him feel better by pointing out that he isn't..

I guess I am just not good at any of this and probably am just making him worse from the sounds of things...

There doesn't seem to be any right way to do this.. Only multiple wrong ways...

[Suzi]

That's just it, there are no "right" ways of doing it at all. I'm only trying to help, I didn't mean to upset or offend. I went through around 18 years of depression/anxiety/paranoia/social phobia/panic attacks with Marc and it's only now that there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I have tried everything to "make him feel better" but honestly? Looking back I think what helped the most was me just carrying on as me... Doing things like make him a drink when I had one and food when I had it - because he didn't know if he was hungry or thirsty. I've been angry, I've shouted, I've cried, I've begged and pleaded and prayed as hard as possible.... None of it really made that much difference. He needed the right medication and the right therapy... Now we have many more good days and I'm getting "my Marc" back again, but hunni there really isn't a one size fits all strategy. Every person with depression responds to different things - some may find the right meds for them on the first one. Marc had 4 others before Fluoxetine that helped him after his first (and biggest) breakdown, but it took a while to get the dosage right. But then that left him completely numb to everything and everyone. He then went back onto fluoxetine for his most recent crash and it did nothing. So then he has changed meds which has helped loads, and he's not numb - just seriously fatigued. But as he says, that's much more preferable to how he was feeling.
I know I'm waffling, but you have to stop trying to analyse everything that he says/does and everything you do or say... Sweetheart, just relax and be you.

[Hereforyou]

I wish there was a right way .. oh no you didn't offend me.. sorry if it seemed that way.. That's just me feeling a bit useless and self pitying..

That's the thing I am normally like that.. If I see someone sad or upset my first reaction is to hug them and say/do things to make them feel better.. I know when I am feeling low (which of course is no comparison to how he's feeling) people reassuring me that I am not useless and rubbish tends to make me feel better .. With my partner he's always been ridiculously self critical (probably the problem with us both) so whenever he's felt like that I've always tried to reassure him that how's he's feeling isn't warranted..

With my depression it was just knowing that someone's there that loves me and genuinely wants to be there for me that made the biggest difference.. I guess that's just what I am trying to help him see that's all.. Especially with him constantly saying I shouldn't love him and care because he's messed up and a lost cause....

[Paula]

When I’m in crisis, people around me telling me to look at the positives makes me furious. It is never about being miserable or grumpy, its about desperately trying to hold back your mind and body from sliding into a pit. When you’re doing everything you can to stay out of that pit, for someone to come along and ask you to see the silver lining feels insulting, hurtful and insensitive, and just makes things worse.

[Hereforyou]

I am not trying to be..

Please if you have more helpful things to do or say please let me know.. As Suzi says I am just trying to remain who I am and who I have always been... And not trying too hard or treating him differently...

[Suzi]

Let him go to paintball on his own. Don't even ask about you going again this week. Let him ask you, if he changes his mind. It might be what he needs - and it might be exactly what you need. Some respite from feeling like you have to be treading on eggshells all the time.

[Hereforyou]

I am going to... I don't think he will change his mind but either way I am not going to mention it until Saturday when I wish him luck and to have a good time..

Thankfully yesterday there didn't feel a need to walk on egg shells again.. He seemed annoyed when he came in from work but quickly seemed to forget about that when he came home and allowed himself to joke around... He did seem to get stressed and angry when he got some bad news about paintball but managed to move past that and go back to joking around after a little bit of time and after talking about what had annoyed him..

I accidently upset him though when I was on my laptop and I had to download some photos (I had 6 days to do it and he was on his phone so he wasn't paying attention) from our holiday in December.. When he saw them it made him really sad and he cried because he remembers that being the last time he genuinely truly felt happy.. I felt awful and apologised for not being sensitive enough in the first place...

I am keeping optimistic that this is a sign that the tablets have settled in his system after making him volatile like you said and that hopefully they may start to allow him to feel some improvements..

[Hereforyou]

I forgot to mention.. He forgot his antidepressant in the morning yesterday.. He just noticed this morning and said that's no wonder he felt like crap yesterday.. He's doing well at masking the fact that he might be feeling like crap though if that's the case...

[Suzi]

I felt awful and apologised for not being sensitive enough in the first place...

You were downloading photos - you didn't do it to make him feel bad...

I forgot to mention.. He forgot his antidepressant in the morning yesterday.. He just noticed this morning and said that's no wonder he felt like crap yesterday.. He's doing well at masking the fact that he might be feeling like crap though if that's the case...

That will make him feel bad...

[Paula]

That will make him feel bad...

And may make the next few days a little tough too