boyfriends depression breaking my heart SU trigger

[Hereforyou]

I just feel really confused and upset.. Especially about his plans for next weekend.. He has always said to me throughout our relationship that he wanted me to come and support him at paintball.. And now all of a sudden he's saying that he doesn't want me to go because he wants to stay in a room by himself and think.. Because he wants space...

I asked him why he wants space again and if I should just go and stay at my parents so he can have space and he just moaned at me for making this about me.. I honestly feel like he's doing what he did to me all over again 2 months ago where he left to his mum's saying he needed space and time and then came back.. I just don't understand why he needs space and time again away from me ...

[Suzi]

Then do something to make you happy next weekend - go and see a movie with a friend? Sit and watch all those movies he hates? Get a take away totally for you.... It doesn't have to be so negative.

[Hereforyou]

It's just the principal I guess... The fact that all of a sudden he doesn't want me there and wants space again ..

Today he seems like he's in a "decent" mood.. He's able to laugh and joke again today.. A welcome change considering these last few days he's been very irritable and angry...

He was talking about paintball again this morning and I asked again if he's sure he doesn't want me to go and he said he doesn't know..

I literally have no idea what's going on with him...

[Hereforyou]

I forgot to add.. Now he's not even staying in a room by himself and is staying with someone else instead..

[Suzi]

The more you are asking him, the more pressure you are putting on him. Really love, he's said he wants to go alone so let him go alone.

[Paula]

Suzi’s right, no couple has to be joined at the hip. My own personal opinion is that couples do better if they take time out for themselves sometimes. Maybe this is just one of those times

[Hereforyou]

I know.. You're both right.. I think it just upsets me that for some many years I purposely didn't go because I wanted to give him time and space without me and he always used to get upset about that.. And now I am going he doesn't actually want me to.. It really seems as though he doesn't even know if he truly doesn't want me to go...

Yesterday was probably the best day I've seem him for a while.. He had a bit of a hiccup he said when he started to think and stress about next weekend as it's their first tournament of the year.. But aside from that he said he didn't feel angry at all in the day.. Just stressed out about paintball..

I told him his proud I was of him and how well I think he's coping and functioning when he said he's feeling bad.. And I told him how much he means to me when he said I shouldn't care about him..

But honestly a huge proportion of the day he seemed to "allow" his old self to come to the surface much better... Especially considering for the past week he had felt so angry all the time...

He's going to get his blood tests and samples done today thank goodness.. I am super pleased he's finally doing them a month later...

[Suzi]

Maybe you praising him for acting "more him" actually just piles heaps more pressure on him to be like that all the time, and not allowing him to be able to say how he's genuinely feeling?

[Hereforyou]

He tells me how's he's feeling.. When he's stressed ans feeling crappy.. I just remind him that he's not completely lost or a lost cause because there are still elements of him coming through and he still cares enough to try for those around him...

What I don't want to happen is for him to not see the positives in his day I.e. being able to laugh yesterday whereas he was completely unable to do so for a week prior to that..

He's always been an extremely negative person and I don't want him to not see the positives in how he's being..... If that makes sense....

[Suzi]

He tells me how's he's feeling.. When he's stressed ans feeling crappy.. I just remind him that he's not completely lost or a lost cause because there are still elements of him coming through and he still cares enough to try for those around him...

But surely those around him should accept him as his is and not want to change him. Obviously you don't want him to be poorly, but to imply that if he isn't putting on a mask of "happy" then he isn't trying and isn't caring about those around him is really awful. That's akin to "Pull yourself together"

What I don't want to happen is for him to not see the positives in his day I.e. being able to laugh yesterday whereas he was completely unable to do so for a week prior to that..

He's always been an extremely negative person and I don't want him to not see the positives in how he's being..... If that makes sense....

I get that you want him to see the positives, but you pointing them out isn't necessarily helpful and pushing him to be positive could make the depressive thoughts so much worse.... If he genuinely can't see anything positive, you pushing him to do so will only reinforce that he's not able to "even see that" or that you saying that he should be positive about things means that he can't tell you how bad he is feeling....