boyfriends depression breaking my heart SU trigger

[Suzi]

Sorry lovely, do you mean that he fabricated about his friend needing support?
I think it's totally understandable that you would be so worried last night.

How much did you say to him previously about not drinking?

[Hereforyou]

Yeah.. His friend didn't need his support at all and the whole story was a lie.. He wasn't even with that friend...

All I said was that he didn't want to make drinking and getting drunk an every weekend occurance.. He went out with his friend a few weeks back and got drunk.. Then the following weekend we went out together on a couple night with another one of his friends and he got drunk then too.. Then the following weekend he wanted to go out drinking with another friend so at that point I just mentioned that he doesn't want to drink too much too often because it will make him worse... Then the day he cut himself he was drinking before that and I said to him he shouldn't have drunk because it probably made him feel worse....

So I've only mentioned it twice in 2 months....

When he eventually told me where he really was he said he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want me to get ed off and start moaning at him and he started to get upset...

I am really really angry with him though....

[Suzi]

I would feel angry too. Maybe he didn't tell you because he didn't want to disappoint you or that he couldn't face telling you that he wanted to go out drinking? It's no excuse to make you worry like that though...

[Hereforyou]

He says it's because he didn't want me to go on at him about drinking again..

I literally feel like telling him to sort himself out on his own because it's not fair he keeps making me feel like everything I do is wrong..

He wants me to trust him then comes up with this monumental story just to have a drink.. Came out with more rubbish about how I should just give up because that's apparently what I want to do.. Was back to being spiteful and vindictive..

Even this morning when he left for work he lingered by the door and asked me if I wanted a kiss and a cuddle goodbye.. I said to him does he even want to give me one and he said that he isn't the one that's ed off ... I said because I am not the one that's lying and he just came out with "maybe you shouldn't moan about me having a drink" .. I said it was once and he just said that's enough.. He gave me a hug and tried to kiss me but I just gave him my cheek..

I feel so angry and disappointed with him...

[Suzi]

I am in no way excusing his behaviour, but could it have felt to him that you were having a go the other times?

[Paula]

Ok, I don’t want to get involved in a ‘should people with depression drink or not’ and I certainly don’t want to give you ammunition against your partner as it’s every person’s choice to make. However, there’s a lot of literature in public view, including this, which explains the physiological response to alcohol. https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/alcohol...mental-health/

[Hereforyou]

Of course it did Suzi.. Because he's not looking at anything in a positive way.. Everything has a negative cause.. My mentioning him drinking that 1 time was because I am being mean.. Me being upset and offish one time was because of him rather than being ill or in pain.. Everything I do has a negative spin on it...

Thanks Paula.. Unfortunately my mum has a problem with drink so I know all too well the effects it has..

I am just so upset with the huge need to lie about everything...

[Suzi]

Alcohol is a depressant. Each time he gets drunk he pretty much wipes out the anti d he's taken and sets himself back again.
To be fair if you've had dealings with a parent with alcohol dependency then you'll always be more aware and sensitive around it. However, it doesn't sound as if you laid into him or lectured him about it...
To be honest I think the lying would get to me so much.... Does he understand why you are upset?

[Hereforyou]

He's using it as a coping mechanism.. He says that it makes him feel like he can be normal again and actually be able to have a good time...

I genuinely don't think I did and I told him that today.. I said it's unfair that he made out that I went on about it so much because that's not the case at all.. And if he just explained to me that he wanted to go out I would have told him to have fun and enjoy himself....

Yeah he does now.. And he agrees that if I did the same he would react in the same way.. He said he did it because he didn't want me to moan at him.. I told him that he's being completely irrational and how this isn't him.. He's never been like this so why's he being like it now...

The depression is really getting to him though.. He talked about taking the easy way out again....

[Suzi]

If he's having suicidal thoughts then he needs to talk to someone asap - crisis team/samaritans/A+E/GP.....