boyfriends depression breaking my heart SU trigger

[Hereforyou]

On Saturday I didn't reply because I was tidying up and didn't hear my phone.. On Sunday because there was nothing to reply to (I'd already said see you soon and he was just telling me how long he will be
) .. And today was because he told me he had good news to tell me when he got home and I was on the train so by the time I could reply I was already nearly home...

I am always the person to text him either way and I tried to explain that I am the person that texts him to start a conversation so i am hardly ignoring him...

[Suzi]

That's cool, I was only asking You seem defensive lovely, there is no need.
However, I learnt that Marc worried if he didn't get a reply, so I made sure I replied as and when I could. I still let him know when I get somewhere and when I leave - it's not about being controlled, it's about him loving me enough to care and me loving him enough to let him know.... Saves him worrying and makes it easier all round

[Jaquaia]

This may sound harsh but I really think you would benefit from reading other threads on here and from checking out the Time to Change website as you're not understanding. I'm sorry if that upsets you but you aren't.

This isn't about you. This isn't about you always being the one to text him to start a conversation, this is him sat waiting for a reply and his thinking being so skewed that he starts wondering if he's upset you, if he's done something wrong, if you're mad at him, if he's actually good enough for you. This is about him getting ed off at the world and not knowing why, so it must be something wrong with him, he must be a horrible person because normal people don't get so angry over nothing. This is about him feeling completely worthless and it not mattering if you tell him different as you must just be saying it to make him feel better as you couldn't possibly mean it. And you must be getting fed up of his changes in moods and him feeling so low.

To describe it succinctly, depression is a bitch. My partner absolutely adores me; he tells me every single day just how much he loves me; how he is with me, how he looks at me... this amazing man makes me believe in soulmates. But when we're apart, my head is telling me how much better he deserves, how worthless I am, how disgusting I am, how he would be better off without me. When he goes a few hours without texting me, I KNOW that work has got manic, or I KNOW that he is busy with his children but I immediately wonder if I've done something wrong. My head can turn innocent remarks into huge issues, that he wants to leave me, he's having second thoughts etc.
I can have days where I can't cope with people talking to me and it makes me want to scream at them to off and leave me alone. Yesterday I almost told my mother where to go and walked away from my dad as he was talking to me as I could feel my control slipping. In that frame of mind, I need to be left alone, in fact the only person I can tolerate when I'm like that is my partner!
I can wake up and regret it immediately because I have to get through another day. My chest will feel tight and my heart will race because I have another day of trying to survive to get through.

Your bf will have similar thoughts and feelings to those. They won't be the same as depression is a very individual illness. Somehow, you need to find out what he needs from you, while trying to do as much as you can to actually understand.

[Suzi]

That's such an open and honest post. Thank you Jaq, that can't have been easy. Much love and respect.

[Hereforyou]

I understand what you're saying Suzi but I am so fed up feeling like I don't do anything right... Feeling like I have to constantly watch what I do and say despite the fact that there's still other problems in my life aside from just him...

I've read the time to change website and I am trying my best.. But it's just not good enough.. I am always a last thought and can't even have a bad day myself without feeling like I am going to upset him.. No perhaps I am not understanding and perhaps I never will.. I am just trying my best... At least you can take the things your partner says and see the positives in them.. I just get told to stop and how it's not helping..

It seems like he wants me to leave him alone too though.. He seems to tolerate everyone.. He's even out now with his paintball team having dinner and drinks but when it comes to me he can't handle being around strangers too much and wants to go home pretty quick..

I've asked him constantly what I can do or what helps/doesn't and he just says he doesn't know...

[Paula]

Tell me, if he’d had an operation and needed months of recuperation, would you take it personally if he was constantly in pain and grumpy with it, taking it out on you? If he’d broken his leg and needed weeks not being able to use it, and had to keep asking for your help to get him to the loo, would you feel comfortable saying that you’d had a difficult day so he’ll need to get himself sorted out? Your bf is ill and that will mean you will have to make adjustments.

The World Health Organisation description of depression is that ‘Depression is a common illness worldwide, with more than 300 million people affected. Depression is different from usual mood fluctuations and short-lived emotional responses to challenges in everyday life. Especially when long-lasting and with moderate or severe intensity, depression may become a serious health condition. It can cause the affected person to suffer greatly and function poorly at work, at school and in the family’

Depression “may become a serious health condition” which may “cause the affected person to suffer greatly and function poorly ....... in the family”. This isn’t a down day, week, month. This is an illness that can be dangerous if not treated properly - and part of that treatment is the care and support of our loved ones. Accepting that reality is crucial if we’re able to get theough this. I can honestly say I wouldn’t be here if it hadn’t been for my husband’s support. When I was in hospital, he was insistent that he came to see me every day. At the time, our children were small (aged 7 and 3) so he would get them sorted for school/childcare, work from home for a few hours, feed the kids, get my mum to look after them so he could come up to the hospital, spend a couple of hours with me then go home and continue working til the early hours of the morning. Not once, at that time or any other difficulty we’ve been through, has he ever complained about the impact on him.

[Hereforyou]

That's the thing I have been there when he broke his hand.. I took the slack and cared for him then.. Took the burden of his moods.. His care and even his finances..

I get that he's ill but it makes me so angry that it seems like I am the only one he can't be around for too long.. I am the only one that gets forgotten about.. I've not said anything to him about how I am feeling but I am getting so tired of being the brunt end of everything and even when I think he's starting to show signs of improvement he just shuts it all down and says it's all pretend..

I am trying my best but nothing is good enough and I just don't know how much longer I can keep banging my head against a brick wall feeling like the man I loved so deeply is gone and doesn't so much as even care about me anymore...

[Hereforyou]

I just feel like I want to cry.. In fact it's much more difficult right now to stop myself from crying than it is to actually cry..

When if got quite late last night I messaged him asking if he was okay.. Simply because it was gone 11pm, he had work the next morning, he told me it was only dinner and a couple of drinks and because only 24hours before he told me how he feels so angry and he feels like he will flip his lid at anyone for absolutely anything and he doesn't feel like he can control his aggression.. I genuinely laid in bed worried that he was either angry or having an anxiety attack..

My message simply got ignored.. I then messaged him again for it to be ignored again.. I tried to call him and I got ignored.. I left it for a little bit and messaged again only to be ignored.. I finally phoned him one last time before being ignored again...

At gone 12pm he came home very drunk.. Our dog started barking so i ran downstairs scared only to realise it was because he fumbled about outside the front door.. When he came in he shoved the dog away (who was happily greeting him) with his foot and started to swear at him.. I said hello and was greeted by an angry drunk man who just grunted at me and asked what I was still doing up and started moaning because he couldn't find his vitamins.. I asked why he didn't message me back only for him to tell me that I "shouldn't be checking up on him while he was with his friends" this really upset me and I tried to explain I wasnt trying to check up on him I just wanted to make sure he was okay because of what he was saying the day before..

He started to speak to me in a really nasty way.. Telling me how I shouldn't have messaged him in the first place and how I shouldn't worry about him.. How he told me where he was and I shouldn't bother him.. This was all completely unfair.. He went out at 7pm and I only text him at 11:30 saying "You okay?xxx" so I felt hurt by the fact he was being so nasty about it...

When I told him that he didn't have to ignore me if he had just messaged me back the first time I wouldn't have messaged again or called... He continued to act like he couldn't care less that he had worried me and in fact told me to shut the **** up and go to sleep.. I asked him not to speak to me like that only for him to tell me to just leave him alone so he could go to sleep.. Some further hurtful things were said including how his friend would have ignored me if I messaged him and how itnwas "unimportant" for him to message me back...

I started to cry so I went downstairs and left him to sleep while I sobbed...

This morning he was hungover and started to be nasty again.. I tried to explain that I wasn't checking up on him and how I was simply trying to make sure he was okay because I care.. He told me how I shouldn't bother caring and how he's a lost cause because he's heads so messed up.. He kept going on about how he doesn't think I should care and how much easier it would be if I didn't care.. I said to him that it wasn't fair for him to say these things and how he's not a lost cause just unwell.. He went on to say how he's life is messed up and when I told him that he was happy before and this is only a snapshot again he got angry at me because I say that too much.. He kept saying how he doesn't know if I should care and when I asked him if he loves me and still wants to be with me I said I felt the same and that was all that mattered.. Only to be met again with a shrug of the shoulders..

I said to him (probably wrong of me to say) that it felt like he was trying to push me to end things and how I feel like that's what he wants me to do.. He didn't even say anything to this..

I literally feel so rubbish.. How can he be so hurtful and not even see a problem in it..? How can he say such nasty things to me and tell me he doesn't want me to care anymore..? How can he see me crying and not even feel an ounce of sympathy or care towards me..?

I just don't understand... Perhaps our relationship is a lost cause.. Perhaps I am just holding on to something that is already gone...

[Suzi]

Sweetheart he has no excuse for speaking to you like that or for treating your dog like that. Depression is not a carte blanche for treating others like . Also if he didn't reply why is that OK for him to do to you, but not the other way round? You should NEVER be afraid of your partner. The fact you were lying awake worried if he was going to be angry speaks volumes to me. Are you sure you want to be with someone who treats you like this? Depression or not, your relationship worries me...

[Angie]

How can he be so hurtful and not even see a problem in it..? How can he say such nasty things to me and tell me he doesn't want me to care anymore..?

I just don't understand... Perhaps our relationship is a lost cause.

I am quoting just a tiny bit of your post


He is ill and not well and will not be thinking in the same way as he may of done before becoming unwell, you say you dont understand but if you read the posts previously by our other members and mods properly they are trying to tell you and help you to understand.

This is not about you,