boyfriends depression breaking my heart SU trigger

[Flo]

He sounds as if he's doing the best he can bless him under the circumstances. And so are you. He's aware that you're struggling too. You're doing what every other loving partner would do. Trying to make things better and licking his wounds for him. Not only is he coping with the depression but the anxiety that accompanies it will be heightened too hence the reason I expect why he said "please don't" when you went to cuddle him! Something as silly as a teaspoon dropping on the kitchen floor can be enough to make us jump out of our skin! I'm sure that in time you'll have the old boyfriend back. And it does take time. Try and understand that it's not your fault. It's not his either! What are the chances of you getting out for a while with a few friends? Even if it's to meet up for a drink or a coffee and lunch? The last thing you want is to go down hill yourself. As for intimacy......I recall that the last thing I wanted was sex, especially feeling like a bag of ! Don't give yourself a hard time and think you're being rejected. In time things will get better. All you have to do is be there for him....the rest will take care of itself. It's a shame that his stomach is playing up so much. Maybe he could go back to the doc and mention it. He might be able to give him something. Hang on in there Herry! (mind if I call you that?...hereforyou is a bit of a mouthful!)

[Suzi]

I don't know what the right thing to do is, but I tried backing off completely and I hated it. I think that you have to acknowledge what you want in your relationship too. If he's struggling fair enough, but you deserve to be acknowledged too.
How long has he been on the meds? If he's still struggling with the bad side effects, it might be worth going back and speaking to his Dr - maybe see if he'd allow you to go in with him, to fill in the parts from your point of view too? I know my husbands GP really liked that we went together... Even if you just wait outside, going and telling someone how you are feeling - intimate details that boys are conditioned out of talking about - is tough...

[Hereforyou]

Flo, he certainly does, I will be honest he deserves credit for the fact that he is trying, he is trying to "fake it till he makes it" as someone said before and he has been really good at taking his tablets despite feeling like they're not working and that the side effects are causing him more additional grief (his words not mine).

He says that the reason he said "please don't" was because he thought I was going to "play fight" with him (which is admittedly something I would do in normal circumstances) and he wasn't in the mood for that, which is fair enough. I am trying really hard to not blame myself, it's just so difficult when he feels so distant from me.

A HUGE part of me is absolutely petrified of getting hurt and just wants to leave and protect my heart and my feelings, convincing me that he's just being funny with me because he isn't in love with me anymore and doesn't want to stay with me.

I am back at work today so thankfully it should be much easier to take my mind off of things and enjoy some time away from him. I am also going to the gym sand doing exercise more frequently to just make myself feel better and more positive about myself.

I miss the intimacy massively, I hate having to question if I should or can cuddle him, if he is enjoying the cuddle, if I am allowed to cuddle him, it's just so disheartening. I know what you mean Suzi, but as I am quite an affectionate person I don't want to be too much or too pushy.

We are due to be going away for one night on Saturday as part of his hobby (paintball) as he has a tournament this weekend, the first of the year, and I am due to go with him, I am really nervous about it if I am honest, and with him not booking the tickets to go it's making me nervous that he doesn't want me to actually go now. I've asked him and he just says he doesn't mind, whereas before all of this he made several points about how it upsets him that I don't go with him.

Whilst the other part of me is saying that he had his chance to leave and he didn't, he still talks about a future with you and still cares about how you feel so he does still love you, and to believe in what he says when he says he loves me and doesn't want me to go. It's like a battle of my own demons to push the negative feelings aside and every time he doesn't cuddle me or gives me a lousy kiss (like this morning when he just kissed under my nose instead of my lips) they can't help but resurface.

Hahaha yes that's fine, my name is Becky if that helps :-) ...

He's been on the meds for 4 weeks tomorrow, he was due to go to the doctors on Friday but apparently the doctor he normally sees isn't in so they have rescheduled it for the following week so Friday 13th instead as he doesn't want to keep seeing different doctors. I've mentioned to him that he should tell the doctor as he told them before but they said that it should get better when the meds get into his system.

I've offered to go with him to the doctors but he says he doesn't feel comfortable me being there too, I am really not sure why :-( .....

[Paula]

He might feel constrained if you’re with him at the doctor’s - maybe that he won’t be able to say things about his state of mind in front of you. However, as a compromise, maybe you can ask if you could go in for a couple of minutes to tell the doctor about the changes in your relationship and how it’s affecting you. Then leave the room so he can talk in private.

As for the paint balling, maybe it’d do you both good to have some space - maybe you should consider not going?

[Flo]

It's early days yet. AD's take quite a while to kick in. When they do it'll be a relief for him and you. Don't beat yourself up about all of this B. I'm sure none of this is personal. Have faith! There are a lot of poor souls that battle this illness alone with no one to support and love them. He has you. You need to look after you too don't forget. Take it a day at a time, that's all you can do. I'm sure it'll come right in the end. Have a good day at work!

^^^^ exactly what Paula says!

[Hereforyou]

Perhaps.. It concerns me that he feels he can't be open and honest with me though...

I suppose I could ask but I am not sure he will want that or be tha t forthcoming..

To be perfectly honest, he's been the last couple of times without me as it's training so I don't go to that, but he has moaned and groaned for months about how I don't go to the tournament's to support him and even his new boss is going and he's only been around for a short while.. So me going was my way to show that I've listened to what he said and I am trying to change...

But now I've just asked my brother (the team captain) how much I owe for the room and apparently he hasn't even told my brother I am going so no room has even been booked for me and he's apparently sharing with someone else.. I feel absolutely gutted :'( .. It things like this that just make me want to go home later and pack a bag to stay at my mum's for a few days because he constantly makes me feel crappy and unwanted.......

[Paula]

Not being able to be open and honest is a usual state of affairs with anyone with a MH illness, it’s not personal. As for the paint balling, memory problems are also normal so it may just be he forgot to tell your brother. I’m not making excuses for him, hunni, but I am suggesting you don’t jump to conclusions about his behaviour. Ask him ......

[Hereforyou]

Yeah I can understand him not wanting to open up but that's just making me concerned that it's because of how he feels about me ...

He's always had a problem with remembering stuff.. But he was talking to my brother about it literally only a couple of days ago.. This is exactly why I feel like crap.. Because he says one thing and acts like another....

I want to go to support him and show him that I am trying too but now I just feel like walking away again...

[Suzi]

Only you can decide what to do... I know how hard it is to be the partner to someone with depression - but I also know how hard it is for those with depression to break through the darkness to function at all.....

[Hereforyou]

Yeah I guess... I am just so lonely and insecure because of it all...

I told him that maybe he needs go to the doctors and he didn't seem impressed by that...

I asked him about this weekend (which has now been cancelled due to weather) and he said he just forgot and didn't realise until today....