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Thread: boyfriends depression breaking my heart SU trigger

  1. #1

    boyfriends depression breaking my heart SU trigger

    Hi there,

    I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. Our relationship has been mostly very good (I say mostly because like every relationship we have had ups and downs) but we have done so many wonderful and lovely things together over the years, creating beautiful memories and having a wonderful time together.

    In early December things were great, we were on holiday having a blast, we were looking at wedding rings and baby clothes for a while, planning a future with each other, something we've been talking about for a couple of years.

    After Christmas however things shifted and my boyfriend suddenly became a different person. At first he would simply be irritable, tired and moody, this caused a lot of arguments between us as of course I didn't realise what was going on and just thought he was being moody. We've never been a couple that argues every week but without fail the weekend would come along and it felt as though he was purposely starting arguments. At the end of February it became apparent that he had fell into severe depression as he admitted that he was miserable and he didn't know why, he begun talking about thoughts to commit suicide and saying nasty things about our relationship and about me, saying nothing makes him happy. He told me how he needed to get his head together and needed space because he was miserable and how he was messed up. He begun doing stupid things to purposely "set me up" and put ideas of another woman into my head, something which truly breaks my heart.

    We are now in March and he has now started antidepressants (just over a week today) and will start therapy shortly, but I am struggling massively. In the months prior we argued non-stop and he keeps hanging up on that, saying our relationship was bad and how all we did was argue. He left to get some space but came back a few hours later, still telling me however that he didn't know if space would have worked because he didn't give it long enough but also saying how he loves me and doesn't want me to be the reason hes depressed, saying how I've made him the happiest he's ever been and how I am the best thing that's ever happened to him. It's just so hurtful that he thinks that I could be making him depressed.

    We spoke about his issues with me and our relationship and I've agreed to change those things since he started the antidepressants I have tried my absolute hardest to be happy, cheerful, supportive and not moany.

    Admittedly this has been incredibly hard for me, this is the guy of my dreams who I love very dearly. He has said and done so many hurtful things in the last couple of weeks, he's becoming reclusive and seems to always be miserable with me only despite me trying to be positive and upbeat. I've told him that I will support him through things but I don't know what's going through his mind or if he even wants to be with me anymore.

    It sounds stupid but he keeps being strange with his Facebook and hiding our relationship on it, this hurts massively as he knows it upsets me but he seems to continue to do it, and I am not sure if he's doing it because he's depressed or because he wants to push me away and make me leave him.

    He's lost all interest in me physically and doesn't seem to even want to hold my hand anymore, I've been told to give him space and go out more, to also stop being as affectionate as that may not be what he wants right now but it's so hard as I just want to hold him in my arms 😢 .

    Is it normal for depressed people to completely withdraw from their partner physically and emotionally and to act suspicious/strange.? What should I do, should I withdraw a bit or keep being around?

    For the record, he took antidepressants for about 2 weeks before in August but stopped them suddenly. As far as I am aware he has never been diagnosed with depression before but has had bouts of sadness in the past and suffers with ADHD.
    Last edited by Paula; 17-03-18 at 02:50 PM. Reason: Added trigger warning as per DWD policy

  2. #2
    Moderator of Awesomeness magie06's Avatar
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    Hi there. I'm just going to say welcome to DWD.
    Just a heads up on antidrpressants, they can take from four to six weeks to get into the system and start to work. I can understand why your boyfriend stopped taking them before if he thought they weren't working.
    It can be very difficult when someone is going through a depressive crisis because sometimes it can last just a few days or other times it can last months. There really is no telling how long it's going to last.
    Your boyfriend has really done all the right things, going to his doctor and starting in the meds. The therapy will also help but again it takes time.
    I think it is perfectly normal for someone who's depressed to withdraw from everyone around them. If you have thoughts in your head that you are useless and worthless, sometimes it's easier to pull back from people to avoid hurting them too. For me, it's almost like I think depression is contagious and I don't want to infect anyone else.

  3. #3
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome. Iíve added a trigger warning to your thread. Itís nothing to worry about but just ensures anyone who needs to avoid certain subjects, can.

    I know when Iím very low my emotions are numbed and, though I know I love my husband very much, I canít feel that love itms. Itís a coping mechanism but one that, with the mood swings, can put a huge strain on relationships. It can seem easier to push our loved ones away and, in our twisted thinking, seems as if thatís the best option for our loved ones.

    That knowledge doesnít make it any easier for our loved ones to deal with, I know, and in no way excuses anyone from behaving badly to the people we love. But I hope it helps you understand your partner a little bit more
    Come on everybody, join in the QUIZ, I need the competition!

  4. #4
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome. Whilst a symptom of depression is pulling away from those you love because you may not think you deserve them, or they'd be better off without you or you're bringing them down too etc being nasty isn't. You say he was trying to set you up - what do you mean? Ideas of another woman - what that he's involved with another woman?
    What things has he asked you to change about yourself?

    Sweetheart whilst he may have stuff to deal with, you are important and valid and actually the way that you feel is important too..
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the things I can,
    And wisdom to know the difference.

  5. #5
    Thanks for your message.

    I know it takes time, I am just so unsure if I am doing the right or wrong thing, if going out and giving him space is a good idea or if that's going to lead him to feeling like I don't care ��

    I am also struggling to deal with it myself quite a bit, though he may say he loves me his actions don't resemble that and that's really playing on my insecurities, especially with him being quite distant.

    In terms of him trying to "set me up" hes been going to a cafe for lunch whilst at work, he knew that I was spying on his Facebook so he searched for one of the girls profiles in the case, not friending her or messaging her (that I know of) but looking her profile up knowing that I may see it. Apparently his idea behind this was to prove that I was looking through his Facebook and when I confronted him about it he said it was simply to prove a point.

    In terms of hiding our relationship status off of Facebook, he removed it (apparently by accident), he put it back a couple of days ago and then removed it again on Tuesday, hiding it from view. Again my insecurities are going through the roof as he's changed his phone password and Facebook password so that I cannot check anything or see if anything is going on.
    Last edited by Suzi; 17-03-18 at 05:02 PM. Reason: Merging posts. Please try not to double post minutes apart. Thanks!

  6. #6
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    Can I ask why you were spying on his fb?
    TÍn pŽrdu, jham‚i sŽ rŽcŰbro

  7. #7
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Why don't you trust him? If you are spying and logging onto his phone and facebook then it suggests to me that that you have serious trust issues..
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the things I can,
    And wisdom to know the difference.

  8. #8
    I do have trust issues unfortunately, in August (when he was first on antidepressants) I found inappropriate messages to another girl that he sent in March when he was away for the weekend �� . I don't think he will ever cheat but at times I do think he talks to girls I appropriately.

  9. #9
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    But you spying on him is only going to be causing pain to you and pain to your relationship. I don't condone it, but I do understand why he tried to make you look bad about not trusting him...
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    Courage to change the things I can,
    And wisdom to know the difference.

  10. #10
    You are right and I've promised to turn over a new leaf. I've certainly tried. Except now he's constantly on the phone these days and doing as mentioned with Facebook. It's really hard when you've already got trust issues and now he's like this. I've not said anything about it as of course I am trying to be understanding and supportive but he's making me feel terrible when I am sitting thete trying to welcome him home and all I am getting is him staring down at his phone.

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