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Thread: boyfriends depression breaking my heart SU trigger

  1. #251
    Hereforyou
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    I dress nicely in general.. I am not a "jeans and a t-shirt" type of person so anywhere I go I try to look my best....

    He said he wouldn't have been comfortable going out for dinner after work together as he would be wearing his work uniform covered in muck and I would look nice but said if I took him clothes it wouldn't be an issue because he would also look nice...

    I don't understand why the present would have resulted in him being teased..? It was a mug from the disney store and it was in a shopping bag so it's not like I got him a teddy or something and no one saw it.. I also wasn't standing right outside the site I was just down the road from it.....

    I didn't know me just being there in general would be an issue but I did know dinner after work without a change of clothes would be... That's not what I did though and I certainly don't think it warrants him being abusive and aggressive 2 days in a row and sulking.....

    I also don't even see why it's an issue in the first place.. He should be proud of me if that's the case...

  2. #252
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Is this something you’d done before? If not, could he potentially have seen this as you being provocative?
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  3. #253
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Building sites are notoriously difficult and I know that my Dad never wanted Mum anywhere near them.... I am sure that's he is proud of you, but there is a difference between that and having other men letch over you...
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  4. #254
    Hereforyou
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    I've met him from work before and it's never been an issue.. Albeit it wasn't right outside of the site but I've still met him from work..

    I can somewhat understand why he didn't want me there but I don't think it was fair for him to speak to me in such a way and to continue to make me feel bad despite apologising the day before.... And completely disregard the fact I tried to do something nice in the first place....

    He's still sulking even now... Left this morning without so much of a hug or kiss or even a "love you".. I ignored him because I was upset with being spoken to so badly and he ignored me because his work colleagues made him feel bad...

  5. #255
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    No, being abusive and aggressive 2 days in a row isn't on, but I think you need to try and see it from his point of view.

    It isn't a case of him not being proud of you. I will admit that I have it easier than you as me and my partner both have depression and anxiety so we both understand how bad it can get for the other, and of course, I'm only guessing based on my own experiences so I could be wrong but bear with me...

    I'm quite a big girl and I've been blessed with very large boobs so I actually look in proportion! I'm apparently also pretty. I use kik messenger a lot and did have a selfie as my profile pic. I was inundated with messages from men I didn't know, telling me they thought I was fit, that my boobs were awesome among other stuff and then sending me a dick pic. My partner knows as I have always been honest with him and it upsets him because how he sees it is that I am not just a pair of boobs to be objectified, but I am an intelligent woman, there is an awesome person behind all the physical stuff (his words not mine!).

    Now my partner only heard about it second hand from me and it upset him. Imagine your bf hearing that kind of stuff repeatedly in person, how hard that must be as if he had objected much, he would have probably been ribbed even more. Now imagine hearing all that while feeling utter e and having to expend so much energy pretending to be ok while still trying to do your job. Imagine hearing all that while trying to hide that you feel like there's no joy in the world and feeling like there never will be again.

    Depression is not always rational, it can make the smallest thing seem huge. Our reactions can be out of proportion. He obviously loves you and wants to prevent them leering at you again, he just might not be going about it the right way.
    Tên përdu, jhamâi së rëcôbro

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  7. #256
    Hereforyou
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    When you put it like that I guess I can understand a bit.. He gets annoyed when we walk past people and they just look at me.. It just annoyed me that I apologised when I did it on Tuesday.. And then he must have had an argument at work yesterday and tried to make me feel bad about it again.....

    I am not really too sure what to do now.. We spent all day yesterday in separate rooms because he had upset me so much.. And the way he was this morning was also upsetting too..

  8. #257
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Whether it’s rational or not, you upset him and it’s human nature to respond in kind. I know it’s not something that comes naturally to most people but I think you need to swallow your pride and try to make up. I’ve been with my husband almost 20 years and sometimes that’s all you can do - whether you’re right or wrong
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  9. #258
    Hereforyou
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    But I didn't personally do anything to upset him .. And I already apologised and he continued to carry it on a day later and was rude about it...

    I am fine apologising but I don't feel it's reasonable to let him "get away" with being rude and aggressive and dragging it on for another day despite me apologising already...

  10. #259
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    No it's not and to be fair he shouldn't be being aggressive to you at all - that's not excusable in any circumstance, but if he knew that he'd be going back in today for more of the same then I can understand him being upset....
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  11. #260
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    I'm going to make a few observations which may not go down very well so apologies in advance if any offence is caused as that is certainly not my intention...

    I think you need to take a step back and try and look at this as an outsider. For starters, was he expecting you to meet him after work or did you try and surprise him? Surprises quite often set off my anxiety, it's very rare my partner just shows up as he knows I don't deal with it very well. It sets me on edge. If you surprised him then I can understand him being upset, especially given the environment he works in.

    You say you apologised but how? Did you say you were sorry and leave it at that or was it followed by a but? I've been binge watching Santa Clarita Diet and something struck a chord with me in the last couple of episodes. In general, an apology followed by a but isn't an apology, it's trying to justify something. Have you asked him why he was so angry with you about it? Have you considered that you trying to be nice by buying him the gift and then taking it with you to meet him just ended up making things even more difficult for him at a time when he's already struggling to just get through the day?

    Your last few posts are very focused on him upsetting you, and you're entitled to be upset when he treats you badly, but have you stopped and considered that he may be upset too? Not everyone deals with upset in the same way and add depression in to the mix and it has the potential to be incredibly difficult for him to cope with.

    Speaking from a personal point of view, I have always been known as being calm and rational. I used to work with teenagers on the SEN register and could get through to the most difficult of them because of that calmness, yet depression makes me incredibly irritable and irrational. I'm fairly close to my parents but when I'm feeling really low, I can't cope with them talking to me, I can't cope with them doing nice things for me, I can't even cope with them being in the same room as me. I don't tolerate people well at all and get very snappy. In fact, the only person I can cope with is my partner as he understands and he knows what I need when I'm like that. It's not that I'm trying to be rude, it's just that I physically and mentally can't cope with people talking to me

    You said that you ignored him because he upset you and then commented about him carrying things on, but by ignoring him you're also carrying things on, that's not just on him.

    Depression is no excuse for behaving badly. Sometimes it takes me a huge physical effort to not snap at people. Sometimes it's incredibly difficult when people don't understand though. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, I'm just trying to offer an explanation. How he feels isn't about you, it's about his thinking being distorted by his illness. He'll be trying so hard to pretend he's ok that some days he'll be too exhausted to keep the mask in place.

    Does this make sense?
    Tên përdu, jhamâi së rëcôbro

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