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Thread: boyfriends depression breaking my heart SU trigger

  1. #261
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    That post is exactly why I had to talk to people who had depression when Marc was struggling - because I needed to hear things from the "other side" so to speak..
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  2. #262
    Hereforyou
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    *****TRIGGER WARNING****

    I can understand him being upset too.. I dont think the surprise was what upset him as we often do little surprises for each other.. As I've said we always have been a very affectionate couple... I did apologise on the day it happened and it wasn't a "sorry but" kind of apology.. It was genuine.. In terms of why he was angry he said it was simply because he knew he would get stick the next day and that's what he was upset about.. He wasn't upset or angry when he saw me or even as we were walking.. It seemed that he got upset when he started to process what the next days events might have been.. He did say and look like he was genuinely pleased with the surprise.. It does make sense which is why I tried to to talk to him last night.. I am always the one that goes running back from an argument to try and rectify things and admittedly it may have been wrong but I just couldn't cope with doing that on Wednesday when he has upset me at work.. There's a lot of problems for me at work which he is fully aware of and started before his depression so I desperately didn't want to get upset at work like he made me.. Admittedly it may have been wrong for me to ignore him but I just needed a breather myself and I just needed to take myself away for a couple of hours and particularly let him see that he cannot talk to me in such a way..

    We talked last night and I explained that whilst I understand what upset him and annoyed him.. He needed to explain that to me in a way that Jacquala did because once she had explained how it may have actually been I understood a lot more.. I also explained that it wasn't fair for him to take his frustrations out on me because people at work had upset him.. Ultimately all he had done was cause more issues by lashing out at me.. And that if he simply worded his frustrations in a less aggressive and rude way he knows I would have apologised and tried my hardest to cheer him up when he got home (like either of us always has done when the other has a bad day) ...

    I greatly appreciate you helping me understand and I don't take anything you say on offence or as an excuse.. It's helping me to understand so thank you so much.. It makes total sense and I know that he has been putting on a mask.. Since the medication change however he is struggling to put on the masks at home it seems..

    Yes Suzi you're definitely right.. Being here is so helpful to understand what's going through his mind and helps talking to other people on their experiences too..

    The sad thing Is though.. On Wednesday when I left him alone he decided to have a bottle of beer and was very low.. This lead to him harming himself 😢😢😢 ..

    I feel so guilty like it's all my fault because if I had been there it wouldn't have happened.. If I had stayed it wouldn't have happened.. I feel awful because I left him to sit in self pity and it caused him to do this.. Thankfully they are not that deep or bad and have already started to close up but I can't help but feel dreadful and how I am to blame.. He said tha t work was horrible and he spent the whole day listening to people say crude things about me.. I again apologised and said that it wasn't my intention in the slightest..

    When I was a teenager I was bullied very badly and in an abusive relationship so I got depression then and used to self harm.. It brought back all of those awful feelings and memories which sadly I understood more when he talked about them..

    I've said that he needs to go back to the doctors after next Saturday if he still feels like this as Saturday (28th April) will be 2 weeks since starting the 40mg Citalopram instead of 20mg .. He had a telephone assessment for therapy today and they have referred him to another specialist who have to give him another telephone assessment so again that is taking a lot of time..

    I just don't know what to say to him when he asks for help and guidance.. He keeps asking me what to do and apart from keeping on with the tablets.. Trying the therapy and trying to be positive and strong I can't suggest anything else..

    What else can we try..?? What else can I say..??

  3. #263
    Librarian and chief holder of antiquities and biscuits Jaquaia's Avatar
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    Firstly, well done for having that conversation. That must have been difficult.

    Regarding the medication, it doesn't work like that I'm afraid. Dosage increases work the same as starting the medication; side effects, 4-6 weeks to reach therapeutic levels in your body, so again it needs time.

    The self-harm. It's not your fault. It's simply a coping mechanism, not a healthy one but one nonetheless! How it works for me personally is I get overwhelmed and I start scratching. It's not something that I realise I'm doing until it starts hurting, and by that time I've taken off a few layers of skin. I know others do it because it helps them feel in control.

    He can try peer support groups, there are support lines...most people assume that the samaritans are a suicide helpline, they will actually listen to you talk about anything if it helps you through a tough time. There are online CBT programs. Mind often run support groups and various courses.
    Tên përdu, jhamâi së rëcôbro

  4. #264
    Hereforyou
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    It was difficult.. Especially after learning about what he did to himself.. But I think he needed to know that as much as I support his depression I don't support being treated unfairly...

    Ahh I see.. I thought it would take 2 weeks.. So at what point should we go back to the doctors..?

    I truly feel like it is.. He said he felt so low and how I wasn't there and now I feel terrible.. It took every ounce of strength in my body to not cry and just hug him because I didn't want to be pushy.. He said it was because he felt so low and wanted to take away the pain from his head but it didn't help.. He now feels embarrassed and ashamed about it.. I helped him dress it this morning and I just felt awful whilst doing it...

    Yeah I may suggest those to him... My work provide a service to us and our family.. I phoned them about myself and how I can try to help and they said he can get 6 weeks of counselling.. Should i tell him to try that in the meantime..?

  5. #265
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    Having had a telephone assessment already is actually really fast. It's not uncommon to wait 6 months to a year for assessment and then up to 3 years for therapy after that...
    If he's self harming then he needs to make the Dr aware of that - particularly if it's a new "thing" since starting the meds.

    You could suggest he joins here? We have separate areas of the forum that you can both access so you can both speak openly without the other seeing everything if it helps?
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


  6. #266
    Hereforyou
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    Oh really.. I didn't know that.. My father was also given a telephone assessment pretty quickly so it seemed quite a quick turnaround for that just not the appointments....

    Yes I think the doctor does need to know to be honest...

    I've suggested but I honestly don't think he would feel comfortable with it.. He's not that way inclined.. Do you think the private therapy would work best for the time being..? I was thinking perhaps he could start that as something sooner and then transfer over to the NHS therapy once it starts..?

    What can I do..?

  7. #267
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    If someone wants to self harm, they’re always going to find a way. He would have found the opportunity at some point to do this so you can’t blame yourself, or blame him. It’s a coping mechanism for lots of reasons, not least because physical pain can mute mental pain. What your focus needs to be on is that the wounds are clean and dressed, and try to find other ways for him to deal with it all. For instance, if I’m feeling the urge to SH, I do some cross stitch instead.

    I feel like you’re being unrealistic in terms of the length of time it’ll take for him to recover. Depression is a chronic illness, he’s probably been ill for much longer than you think and it’s going to take at least the same length of time for him to recover - even when he does find the treatment plan that helps him itms. You need to be patient
    The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

  8. #268
    Hereforyou
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    I know.. I have self harmed myself over a decade ago so I know the principles of it.. Still doesn't make me feel any better in terms of feeling like I've let him down...

    I know that it can take time for him to recover .. But what can I do in that time frame to try to help him along the way.. He is incredibly fed up and saying he is giving up because what he's tried doesn't seem to be helping so what can I do until he does start feeling better to not let him give up...

  9. #269
    Boss Lady ;) Suzi's Avatar
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    He needs to go back and see his GP lovely....
    I wouldn't look into private therapy right now. I think he needs to work on getting the right medication and the right dosage first....
    Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!


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  11. #270
    Hereforyou
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    When do you think he should go back to the gp..? He has been on the stronger dosage for 1 week tomorrow so I thought it might have been too soon..?

    I came home from the gym today to find him crying again .. He's feeling very low.. Worse than what he did when he first got diagnosed... The doctor did tell him it will get worse before it gets better so I am not sure if this is just that...

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