I feel numb?...*SH, AB and SU Triggers*

[lavenderpurple]

Hi all,
I’m new here, and didn’t know where else to turn, since I’ve been down every useless avenue over the years and nothing has helped.
I warn you that his will be very very long, so please bear with me, if you can...

I want to start out by saying that I’ve suffered every kind of abuse that you can think of, and sadly I’m not exaggerating.
Family, ‘friends’, past relationships...


Over the years, I’ve become a recluse.
I’m 26 and still live with my parents (not by choice, I assure you!).
I am agoraphobic - and thus housebound - since 2012.
I have tried and tried to get back out again, but there are so many things stopping me. I can’t explain it.
Crippling fear and panic attacks stop me getting much further than not quite half way around the block.
I really have been trying so hard.

Aside from being r*ped (which I reported, but nothing was done, and the scumbag now lives locally to me, and the police will do nothing!), there is another issue;
In 2010, right after the police decided to take no further action on my abuser and r*pist, my Mum was diagnosed with cancer (she’s now in remission and has been for a few years), and my employer at the time had just fired me because I didn’t tell them about it, and they thought I should have.
My friends at the time knew of this, and instead of supporting me, they fabricated an ‘incident’ where I had supposedly talked about one of them on a Facebook status, which was simply not true.
I didn’t do that sort of thing then, and I had no reason to do that.
Despite there being no proof whatsoever of what they were accusing me of, they abruptly ditched me. Right when I needed them.
I tried hard to fix the friendship, but was told to stop trying and let them come to me.
When I tried that, they accused me of ‘not making the effort’. I couldn’t win either way!
Try as I might to say my side of things, nobody would listen. Why? I don’t know! I have no idea to this day why they were doing this, or what they were going off?
I was therefore uninvited from one of their weddings entirely, where I was supposed to be a bridesmaid. “X and X said they’ve been having problems with you, and have refused to come to my wedding if you’re there. I’m sorry to say that you can’t come to the wedding. I hope we can be adult about this.”
Of course, I was devastated. I cried for days, tried to contact her to sort it out, even my mother tried, but to no avail.
What a spiteful and manipulative move to make! I would never EVER have ruined someone’s special day. Never!

From then on, my name was dragged through the dirt, I lost all my friends, a smear campaign and rumours began, and I was told that “the way I treat my friends is disgusting.” Merely for expressing how heartbroken I was, and why would people do this to me?
Since then, I was shouted at in the street, sent horrible messages, and so removed myself from social media...And the public.
I haven’t been out properly since.
And all my friendships since then have ended similarly.
Now I find myself pushing people away before they can hurt me.
I have lost all trust in people. These were people I once considered my best friends...But I was easily disposable.
And replaceable...

They stole one of my oldest friends.
Despite seeing what they had done, and how I still suffer now, she chose to remain friends with them.
She refused to take sides.
Which I would say is understandable, if it had merely been a silly squabble. But these people had ruined my life even more than it had been, knowing full well what I had been through.
They even accused me of lying about my mum’s cancer, which this friend knew about (our parents have been friends as long as we have).
To this day, she calls these people her best friends, yet still wants a friendship with me.

Last week, she got married.
They were invited.
I wasn’t.
And they proceeded to cruelly rub my face in the fact that this was yet another wedding of someone I care about, that they had attended, and I hadn’t.
They somehow found my new social media (after years of not using it), and tagged me in photos from the wedding. There was no mistake or accident about it.
This is the final straw for me.
I told my friend what they had done and sent her the screenshots.
She didn’t seem bothered by what they were doing.
I’m sorry, but these ex friends of mine spent years bullying me into reclusion, and now attack me like this? After securing my best friend (not that she reciprocates the ‘best friend’ thing. Nobody ever has.)
I feel so hurt and betrayed by her.
Surely a friend would have defended me right from the start of the bullying? Not refuse point blank to take sides?!
I’ve never got over what happened.

(Cont. in replies)