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Thread: Breaking the silence

  1. #1

    Breaking the silence

    Hi all,

    It's taken a while to pluck up the courage to post anything but I feel like a have to. I'm not shy but I'm a hider. It's hard for me to speak out because the tendency is to withdraw completely when I'm feeling low, hide myself away and stop talking. Right now I'm feeling really alone. Not lonely, just alone.

    I'm not alone, I live with my husband, I have a grown up son, my mum, friends that I see occasionally and a support group I attend twice a week. But I don't talk about how I'm doing very much, especially to the people I'm closest to. And I'm struggling. I'm stuck in the loop of depression, panic disorder and agoraphobia, each one feeding the other so sometimes it's hard to know which part is worse and when. I feel trapped, ashamed and humiliated by my fears and the inability to speak.

    I've recently finished another two rounds of CBT (exposure therapy), which aside from seeming to make no difference whatsoever has just left me feeling defeated and exhausted. Possibly the hardest part at the moment is frustration. I'm bored. I've done everything I need to do in the house, and apart from the days I go to my support group, I don't see or speak to anyone for the rest of the week (with the exception of my husband who seems to have run out of things to say to me).

    Spring has arrived, the sun is out, not far from my home tiny, beautiful lambs have been born. I want to go outside and breathe. To exercise (something I have not been able to do for a long time because of the panic disorder). I want to escape the constant feeling of suffocation, which I honestly believe is caused by suppressing how I feel for long periods of time. But I'm out of my depth. I don't know what to do next.

    In my previous life, I played tennis 3 times a week, I loved seeing new places. I went to concerts and to the F1 grand prix whenever I could. I laughed with my friends. I was strong, confident and independent.
    I play guitar and piano, I occasionally work from home preparing used guitars for resale for a local shop. I love all animals (except chickens and spiders - yuck). I have not yet completely lost my sense of humour, I still like to laugh with friends. My self esteem and independence are currently in hiding.

    So, I'm taking the first step and starting to talk. I want to feel like a part of society again, even if most of my time is spent watching life happen to other people through my windows.

    Apologies for the long post, I wasn't sure how much or how little to say. What I am saying is, I would really like some people I can talk to, and listen to on the good days and the bad.

  2. #2
    Princess Sparkles Paula's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome to DWD. DWD is not so much a society as a community so you will find friends who care and empathise here.i do understand the need to withdraw but I think you already know that’s not healthy. Maybe, as well as the support group, you need to do something completely different where there’s no pressure to open up about depression but where you can talk about something else. And maybe getting out for a daily walk would help?
    Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe and have faith that everything will work out for the best.

  3. #3
    Hi there and welcome to DWD. We’re all guilty of hiding away from time to time and the longer you do it the harder it is to break the habit. It’s good that you have a reason to get out a couple of times a week. The guitar work sounds interesting. What exactly do you have to do? Replace strings and tuning or something more detailed? I don’t play an instrument but I’m still a big music fan. Anyway I’ll leave you be for now, I need to find something for dinner.

  4. #4
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Hi and welcome to the forum! Paula and Stella have said what I was going to, so I'll just add that I'm looking forward to getting to know you.
    Today I aim to be the best person I can be.
    That mean that yesterday or tomorrow I might be a better person,
    but today's best is more than good enough for today.

  5. #5
    Thank you for the welcome. When I say support group, it's more like a bunch of us that get together and just have a giggle, but it's good to just get out and see people.
    I look forward to getting to know some people here too.

  6. #6
    Thanks for the welcome ��
    I try not to hide but find my habit has got worse since moving to a place where I don't really have friends I can go out with. But I've met some people in the groups I go to that I can have a laugh with.
    The work varies depending on the condition of the instrument, sometimes it's just a clean, new strings and tuning, others it can be replacing broken parts or complete setup. It keeps the hands and brain working so helps reduce anxiety which is great and I get a warm fuzzy feeling from taking an instrument that's been unloved and turning it into something that someone wants to buy and play.

  7. #7
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    OO is it just guitars you service? My eldest plays electric guitar and they are his pride and joy!
    Have you thought about things like meetup or spice? Where you can meet up with people and go and have fun?
    Today I aim to be the best person I can be.
    That mean that yesterday or tomorrow I might be a better person,
    but today's best is more than good enough for today.

  8. #8
    It's mainly guitars, basses, ukuleles and they sneak in the odd banjo because they know I don't like them lol. I know some people that run local jam nights but I really don't enjoy playing in public. I always think it's a great idea until I start playing and then wish I could disappear. But it's always nice to meet and chat with others that love music. Has your son been playing long? Music is such a great thing for them to learn. I tried to teach my boy when he was younger but he just complained that his fingers hurt.

  9. #9
    Moderator OldMike's Avatar
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    Hi Imaginary welcome to DWD, hiding away seems to come along with depression that coupled with agoraphobia must make life very difficult. It's good you go to a support group a couple of times a week that is something to be proud of, you've taken the first steps of dealing with your agoraphobia.

    Repairing and playing musical instruments sounds fantastic.
    71 and counting, less of the "Old" call me "Mike"
    ~~~ Please check out the latest quiz in Fun and Games > Quiz I'm sure you'll find it fun. ~~~

  10. #10
    Not "nagging" really... Suzi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Imaginary View Post
    It's mainly guitars, basses, ukuleles and they sneak in the odd banjo because they know I don't like them lol. I know some people that run local jam nights but I really don't enjoy playing in public. I always think it's a great idea until I start playing and then wish I could disappear. But it's always nice to meet and chat with others that love music. Has your son been playing long? Music is such a great thing for them to learn. I tried to teach my boy when he was younger but he just complained that his fingers hurt.
    He's been playing on and off for a few years. He tried lessons and hated them and so is self taught. He has a couple of Ibanez which are his pride and joy. He sits in his room and plays and we play "rocksmith" together.. He's really good. I'm not. I play the piano, bassoon, clarinet, a little sax and "sing." I used to play violin but gave that up really quickly as I really suck! I love music always have, always will. It's so amazing.
    My daughters both sing and are learning the piano. My middle one plays uke and my youngest plays sax. It's noisy in my house!

    How are you feeling today?
    Today I aim to be the best person I can be.
    That mean that yesterday or tomorrow I might be a better person,
    but today's best is more than good enough for today.

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