Off my chest *SH SU Triggers*

[purpleheart]

Soooo having a bad day and feeling a bit sorry for myself. I'm thinking about my depression, and sort of feel like I want to get everything down to try and make sense of things, I may not even post this.
I was a bit of a emotional teenager. I used to cut myself, I once took an ibuprofen overdose not realising that the stuff can't kill you My family life was a bit weird growing up, I wasn't too close to my parents. So I got very in with my friends, they became like my family in a way.
Post being a teenager, I had some pretty good years, my confidence grew, I had a good social life, I had normal relationships, I thought I would meet someone and have a family...
However, five years ago I lost my mum. The way I dealt with that was to be 'strong', I didn't even cry at her funeral. I think that was when I shut down a lot of my feelings and the dysthymia probably started. I went into counselling around then, but it never really resolved anything.
Around that time, my best friend unfortunately started suffering badly with anxiety. Our other friendships slowly broke down, and we became very Codependant and unhealthy. There was many years of us fighting terribly. Luckily, in more recent times we have been healing our relationship and are actually being able to be there for one another, but that was a time that was also pretty psychologically damaging.
At home I was left with my brother and dad who are very emotionally unavailable, but we got along in our own way.
However, a couple of years ago my dad met his girlfriend, things progressed pretty fast with them and she ended up moving in and they wanted me and my brother to move out. I mean, I was 29, it was probably for the best. And she is lovely, she makes my dad very happy. However it put me in a difficult position, my brother decided to move away to live with my nan and I couldn't afford a place on my own. (My friend is part time and can't afford to move out.) my boss, who I have known for over ten years, offered for me to move in with him and his husband.
It seemed like the dream at first. My boss looked after me like I hadn't been for years. He cooked me dinner, he ran me baths, he was there for me when I needed someone, we got very, very close. I was there for him, and he actually made me feel like I was worth something, like someone truly cared about me. I used to tell him it scared me, us getting so close. And I was right to be.
He started getting feelings for me. It developed into a 'thing' which we tried to resist for some weeks, but we ended up sleeping together, twice. We only stopped becuase his husband found out.
I know it is utterly terrible that I did it. Previously to this I'd had men in relationships make me belive they had feelings for me, and I've always been so desperate to be loved becuase of my 'daddy issues' when really they were just using me for sex. I began doing more and more stupid and extreme things like that becuase it made me feel ...something! When I was sneaking around it was the only time I really felt alive. And it gave me the fix of affection I was so desperate for without actually getting close to anyone. So becuase I'd been getting away with similar things for so long, I never seriously thought we would get found out or what the consequences would be.
Of course, the aftermath was horrible. Their marriage nearly broke up, I had to see my boss get punched in the face by his husband, and I spent a few nights sleeping in my car. I had utterly ruined the best thing that had happened to me in so long. And I have to live with the guilt of it, knowing I've hurt someone who really didn't deserve it. Its still hard to look him in the eye. Amazingly, my boss and his husband actually made it up, and they let me stay living in the house. I know, it all sounds so, so messed up when I put it all down.
It was after that I think I perhaps developed major depression. I wanted to stay out of the way as much as possible so I bought a microwave for my room, and lost a lot of weight. I began to feel very, very down. It got to the point where I couldn't get through a day of work without crying, and I became a bit suicidal. I googled suicide more than once and had to ring the samaritans one time becuase I was in my car with a bag over my head. So I went to the doctors and got antidepressants.
It was amazing, for the first time in years, I was getting angry about things! I was feeling genuine guilt, actual happiness. Things at home started to get a bit better. I built some bridges with my boss' husband and I think he realises I really am sorry for it...
Now I'm trying to put the pieces back together, and come to the terms with realising I do have depression, and that I've probably bulldozed an awful lot of my life becuase of it. I know I can't stay in this house forever. I know it's probably not fair me being here, than it will probably never really be ok.