Hi, I'm new here. I guess I really needed someone to talk to because I feel so alone at the moment. I've suffered from depression on and off for at least 17 years. A lot of it is linked to low self esteem aggravated by a couple of abusive ex boyfriends. I had been a lot better the past 12 months. I felt positive about my future, confident, at least more confident than I have been in a long time. 6 months ago I got in a new relationship and I have been pretty happy. The odd blip but every relationship has that. This weekend he was ill and showed a side that I haven't seen before, that confused, scared and angered me in equal measure. He got really angry because I had washed up for his mom and helped his niece make a card. I thought I was doing good, something nice for his mom and keeping his niece out from under his feet so he could rest but he was really angry that I hadn't been looking after him when he felt so bad. The next day he apologised but I've had a horrible knot in my stomach ever since. It brought a lot of bad memories back for me and I feel like I'm just waiting for him to finish with me. Today I had an awful day with my family and he asked me how I was. I told him I wased off with my family but I'd be OK when I had chance to calm down. He asked what had happened so I told him. He sent me a weird message back saying I have the same issues with my family every week and he didn't know what to say because it was so repetitive. Then didn't want to talk before bed like we normally do and he said we'd talk tomorrow followed by a pretty unexpected message about my insecurity and needing constant reassurance. I genuinely don't know what to feel, but I'm pretty disappointed that my first response was unfortunately self harm. I hadn't resorted to self harm in 9 years but have done so twice since we've been together. I'm starting to wonder if it's as healthy a relationship as I first thought. I have been of great support to him since we met, emotional and financial but I'm starting to feel he isn't as supportive to me. I am insecure I guess. It's Always bubbling underneath but the weekend brought it to the surface. I didn't know how to feel after he was like that. I don't know how to feel now. Except frustrated with myself. Self harm always makes me feel sick with myself. I can't talk to my friends or family about it because they'll be concerned about the way he was the weekend, and if I want our relationship to continue telling them wouldn't be wise. I just feel so alone.
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