How are you today?
How are you today?
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.
I’m ok. I’m trying to stay strong. But the not knowing is driving me crazy. I have been focusing on myself all week and have done a few things around the house. I got my hair done yesterday but I have pretty bad anxiety today. I know I shouldn’t contact him but part of me knows he is too stubborn and proud to get in touch too. But if he still having a downer then it will be because he doesn’t feel good enough for me and that I’m just going to leave like everyone else. My patience is very very low now. As he knows he can talk to me and I know it isn’t that easy but he could just say whether he wanted to break up or not. He’s not clarified that. Space is fine as I know he needs it. Im just a little tired of being supportive now. I feel better than I did a few days ago but today I’m just feeling as though he doesn’t care. And like we’ve discussed it may be because he doesn’t feel anything. I’m keeping busy again today and I have plans for the weekend. Itlll be the evenings that are worst as I get no sleep due to being so anxious when I stop and come Monday I have no plans so I’ll feel worse.....I e applied to study for my PGCE. A bit late in life but I hate my current job and have always loved working with children so fingers crossed I get in but that won’t start for some time anyway. I can’t make him get in touch and I do think he needs to make the first move otherwise I am chasing him and during our relationship I have always supported him so if he doesn’t know that now I’m not sure what else I can say anyway......
Sorry for the rant. I spent most of the night playing over different scenarios in my head if he got in touch and we did actually talk and I know what I will say to him but he just needs to make that move.....the sun is out today so I am hoping he goes for a ride with his friend and chats to him a little and maybe see sense. I’m just so sad
Oh hunni. I’m a bit old fashioned but could you perhaps send him a card just to say get well and that you’re thinking of him? It’s not putting any pressure on him, just letting him know you’re there for him ..
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.
Suzi (23-02-18)
Maybe a card is a good idea. I just don’t want to go round there.....I have keys to his place and a lot of his stuff.....
I’ll give it today, see if he gets out on his bike and messages me later on.....
Maybe a card tomorrow and get someone else to drop it off for me.....
That's a great idea about the get well soon card..
Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!
So he hasn’t been out with his friend. I am going to contact him. I cant just leave this and not contact him as it is just strange. I’ m currently drafting up what to write but no words are coming into my head as the response I am expecting is going to be negative......wish things were easy sometimes
Ok I have messaged him.....I just wrote some along the line of what Suzi has suggested. Thanks for the card idea Paula. Was a great suggestion, that just would have taken me longer to sort and I’m at breaking point now. I’ll see what he says.....thanks for your support all xx
He’s broken up with me....has said he loves me but he likes being on his own. And finds being in a relationship pressurising not that I have particularly done anything but a relationship is not for him. I’m utterly heart broken.....
I'm so sorry it's finished lovely... Concentrate on being kind to yourself lovely...
Do a little of something that makes you happy every day!
Saw a friend tonight, she knows me better than anyone. Talked to her about everything. She made me realise a few things. My BF has been seeing a counsellor and ever since then he has raved about her. The mutual friend he works with has seen the same woman. Now she has said although this counsellor is good, she is not amazing as my BF always made out. Both these discussions have led me to think that all this time my boyfriend has been trying to convince himself or even me that he is getting better. And he knows I am good for him. So in that way thinks I am too good for him and that is the pressure he is referring to. The pressure he puts on himself to be better for me.....am I making any sense? I have thought long and hard and I want to write him a letter. Not that I think it will achieve anything but I have feelings I need him to know. And I also want to leave him with something to help him on his journey to recovery. He wanted to be friends and I told him I couldn’t do that. That’s something I cannot do whilst still in love with him and I think that will be for a very long time. I am not sure whether this is sensible but it won’t feel finished to me until I do. This break up has unsettled me as there is no ‘reason’. I guess that’s the thing about depression and anxiety. It isn’t logical it is just a feeling that is out of our control. I just hope he knows what an impact he has had on my life and how much I am going to miss that. Maybe this letter won’t get that across but I can try.
Crying myself to sleep tonight won’t change anything but it’s all I can do tonight at least......
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