What does he mean?

[S deleted]

Ok, I’m sorry about the break up and that you are hurting but I can’t let this go...

I guess that’s the thing about depression and anxiety. It isn’t logical it is just a feeling that is out of our control.

What exactly are you trying to say? That he only broke up with you because of his illness? Believe me depression is not “just a feeling out of our control”. Do you have any idea how many people join this forum to help their partners with depression AFTER a break up? And how many of them blame the illness for the break up? Yes, depression does warp your thoughts, makes you push people away and act irrationally but it infuriates me when depression is always blamed for the break up. I’m gonna ask you now why you joined this forum and I want you to be honest. If he hadn’t asked for “space” and hurt you in the process would you really have sough out this forum?

I think the true reason so many broken hearts join here is to find a way back in using the illness as a back door. That they believe the partner doesn’t really mean it and it’s only the illness talking. As a sufferer myself I can tell you that depression is just as likely to make a person stay in a relationship they may not want to be in because they don’t have the courage to end it, or are scared they won’t find someone else cos no one else will want them. I also know how hard it is to be with someone when you’re not well and feeling smothered my their partner cos it’s all too much to deal with and it sounds like this is where your fellas at. It’s not about you having done anything wrong or him not lot loving you, but sometimes it’s easier to cope on your own. It’s hard work fighting your own mind and even harder having to worry about someone else as well.

I get that you’re hurting, I really do but if you love him it’s probably best to leave him be. Best for you and for him.

[Niffler]

This is actually the first forum I have been on since being with my partner that was actually helping me. I have been on other forums and no one responds. So when I found this forum it was my intention to stay due to the friendly and responsive nature of it.

In my state of mind when I posted this last night it was not my intention to summerise depression in one sentence but was merely to open up a conversation with people on here to gain some understanding. I have a brother who suffers from depression and has done for 20 odd years now and also have an Aunty who suffers with mental illness so I already have more of an understanding than you may think, however being in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness is very different. I am sorry that you took offence to my post but that’s the thing about written words, they don’t always reflect exactly what you mean. Which in turn has answered my question and I won’t be writing him a letter.

I do not think he broke up with me just because of the illness because I know how hard it was for him to do in the first place. But that is the reason he has given me. So my last post was an attempt to gain some understanding as to why he felt he couldn’t tell me the main reason, if in fact it wasn’t his illness.

I did not and would not ever smother someone.

Again apologies for causing offence but I will be leaving the forum as I am clearly not welcome.

All the best.

[S deleted]

Hey it’s cool. Not saying you are smothering him, that’s not the same as feeling smothered. I broke up with someone a year ago for pretty much the same thing. I simply couldn’t cope with the pressure of a relationship. As I said it’s hard enough trying to cope with your own problems without having to worry about the effect you’re having on someone else. It’s easy to see yourself as a burden on others and “kinder” to end it than have them suffer alongside you. I know from your side that isn’t the way you see it but that doesn’t mean his decision isn’t right for him. It’s one less stress/worry to deal with and he probably doesn’t want to be alone but right now he can’t be in a relationship. By being “just friends” he gets to have you in his life without any pressure or commitment and that I think is unfair on you cos it sounds like you still want and need more from him than that and if he can’t offer that it’s definitely best for you to walk away.

I wasn’t trying to be nasty, just making an observation that we got more broken hearts trying to get back with a depressed partner than people in a new relationship wanting help living with this illness of partners with new diagnoses looking for information which to me, I see a huge difference between them.

[Suzi]

Actually I'm going to disagree with Stella on this... I think you should write the letter - you need to get it out of your head and actually I think you might be partially right in what you are saying.
I still vividly recall the time when my now husband said to me that he didn't know if he loved me or not. He knew he had loved me before he had a breakdown, and he couldn't see why it would have changed, but he didn't know how he felt there and then. He also didn't know if he was hungry or thirsty so I just switched on autopilot and made him food and a drink when I was doing something for anyone else.
I told him that I loved him enough for both of us. Smothering? Maybe...

Don't leave the forum over 1 post lovely.. We aren't all going to agree all the time..

[Niffler]

Sorry ladies just the mindset I’m in at the moment. I totally understand that you don’t always agree and I never sought this forum out to hear what I wanted I just felt I had upset and that was never my intention. I had written the letter last night anyway and after seeing Stella’s post this morning I had decided not to. My initial thoughts were to leave it a few days anyway because I know yesterday would have been draining for him and I also know he is away collecting his new van that he has always wanted with a friend today (he told me yesterday). I’m unsure what to do at this point now. Our mutual friend is coming round for a brew this morning to check in on me and I’ll probably have a bit of a vent to her.

It’s funny Suzi seems so simple but I couldn’t put into words what I was meaning but that ‘love enough for both of us is exactly it’.

I don’t for one minute want him to do something that is not good for him but I honestly think that being alone is not the answer for him and maybe it is just something he feels works because he hasn’t met the right person.

This is all what I think and it’s all maybes but I’m a big believer in love and support going a long way to helping anyone.

Do you think this is me proving myself to him though?!? Does he need to know I’m strong enough?! I’m not sure that’s what it is.......

[Suzi]

Maybe you just need to tell him how YOU feel?

[Niffler]

Ok, so letter has been sent. Whether he replies, I don’t know. Whether he even reads it, I don’t know but I was honest, caring and asked him to be honest back.

[Suzi]

Hope that you get an answer soon lovely. One way or another...

[Niffler]

No response from him but I’d expect he will take a bit to reply even if he did. But his mum messaged me this morning so I’m pretty sure his decision is made.

I just want to help him so much but I can’t be his friend when I still love him.

[Suzi]

What did his Mum say?
Sweetheart never say never...