Hi guys,
Im Chloe and im new here. So basically I just want to share/rant to someone and thought this would be a good place (i will explain). Im really sorry this is going to be long and boring to you lot but it will make me feel so much better getting it off my chest as I cannot do that normally.

So here it goes. Im in my teenage years and met my partner 3 years ago (ish) and he is from the complete opposite end of the country to me. So long story short we decided to buy a house and move in together. So I took the plunge and left all of my family and friends up north and moved over 200 miles down south. All I had was my partner and his parents who live opposite us. I get along with them brilliant and they are like second parents but it just isnt the same as having my own family.
So. I got a job down here and it is absolute hell. In the 10 months I have worked here we have lost 9 out of 11 members of staff because of how badly we are treated by our manager. So I work in childcare so we work with ratios which means 2 members of staff and a manager isnt enough for 30 odd children which basically means I am working overtime to accommodate 3 people worth of work. My work doesnt pay overtime so some weeks I am working 60 hours and still only getting paid for 40. But I cant refuse because I feel too guilty saying no. I even did them a favour one time and stayed an extra 4 hours unpaid so that they could stay open. Well, the manager I was working with forgot to lock up when we closed that night and so it was obviously reported the next day. I was called into the office and told (exact words) "I know its not your responsibility or your job to lock up but we need someone to blame so unfortunately its gonna have to be you. Im really sorry but this is worth a disciplinary" blah blah blah. So the lady who told me that ended up letting me off with it just written on my file.
This is how bad my job is. But I cant quit or find a new job because I have a mortgage to pay for and my anxiety is that bad that the thought of starting over again makes me physically sick.
So to get me through the day I ended up taking 4 prescribed co-codamols or solpadols to numb the sadness.
I used to take my breaks and think about how easy it would be to end it all and not have to go back in.
After work I am so upset but have to put on a brave face and act like everythings fine because my partner gets extremely angry with me and wont speak to me for 24 hours or he will shout at me because "I let people bully me"
I get that I do but I physically cant stop it. Its so hard to explain but I cant say no to anyone.
So back to moving. I have no friends or family and my partner is a gamer with an addiction to his computer. So on his days off he will wake up and go straight onto his computer and stay there until around 6am the next morning. Unless hes working which he will go on after work. Ive tried speaking to him about it and he gets angry etc etc.
So I never see him and I am left to clean the house, cook his dinner, wash and iron his clothes etc. Or sit staring at my 4 walls all day/night.
Except.... I have such an obsession/fear that he's going to masturbate that I wont let him be alone for longer than 1 minute. Obviously not when im at work because I cant control that. But I will literally sit on the floor next to his feet and not move until he comes off his computer. Even if im sat there for 12 hours+ I wont move. This means when hes off work he stays up all night and goes to bed at 6-7am which means I also stay up all night even if im working the next day and have been known to stay awake for 3 nights in a row along with working just because of this irrational fear. And i know its stupid and I try to tell myself I dont care but I just cant stop myself.
So this makes me more down until I cry and cry until I cant cry any more.
I dont expect any of you to reply and Im really sorry if I offend anyone but I just cant keep it to myself anymore. And ive tried talking to my partner and he calls me schitzophrenic and laughs it off. I know I could leave him but something in me cant do it. I love him so much.
Thank you xx