I'm Tom. A 43 yr old who is going through an awakening. Sounds New Age I know but it's the simplest way to start I can think of.

Having come out of a catalytic and toxic, narcissistic/co-dependent relationship 4 years ago I have been battling nihilistic attitudes, behaviour which sends into a hibernation state where I can't focus on activities which will improve my life and end up relying on escapist activies like lots of film and tv viewing.

I was in therapy, privately, for about 2 years, after which I started a gardening business in order to earn while doing something enjoyable and give me some agency with the aim of becoming self-sufficient (I moved back with my parents after the relationship in which I succumbed to suicidal thoughts and the flight side of fight or flight. through this processI have learnt much about how I ended up in such a precarious situation and gained tools which are useful to prevent me heading there again yet I am still affected by that time and also my life up to that point and unravelling reasons why I became the man I was and partly still am.

Negative terms such as gullible, failure, fraud override any positive image I have in the good times which can seem fragile in fleeting yet I am determined to get to the bottom of this and enjoy the remaining years I have among good, understanding and loving people and also to manage my encounters those who aren't such a positive influence. they're unavoidable after all.

The feeling of loneliness is also a big sticking point and trip hazard so another aim is to learn to accept that lonely feeling and turn it on its head by finding occupations which stimulate and counter those feelings.

I arrived here after a recent hurtful event and opening up to someone who advised me of this forum have expressed a desire find a support group. Though I hoped this would be locally available and so could have human interaction as well, I hope this will provide a good place to find this and also give me the opportunity to express things in writing which I am really beginning to see the benefits of. I wrote 1500 words pretty quickly today as a draft for the first post of a blog I have an idea to start. That may end up being one of those good ideas I come up with often that get left behind. If I can maintain a little of the fire I have after beginning the healing prcoess again, it should come to life. I am happy to post those words here after this introduction if anyone would find it interesting to read.

So, that's a brief summary of what I am here for and I look forward to what unfolds.